Contact with ex partners

[organicapricot]

We are currently in stage 2, home study and its going ok so far. We have been told we need to provide contact details of ex partners for the SW to contact for a reference. I completely appreciate the need for this but I have not had contact with my ex for a number of years and we did not part on good terms (he had an affair). What if he refuses to provide a reference? Im currently thinking of how to word a very awkward email to him. Has anyone any tips on how to approach this?

Don’t worry about it. What the SW’s are looking for is any history of violence, abuse or substance misuse or such like. They are used to some ex’s being a little hostile/bitter and if any allegations are made they will want evidence or a collaboration of circumstances to back any allegations up. My SW contacted an ex from 20 years ago! I found him online and told him what was happening and if he minded being contacted (I kicked him out after he cheated, so we didn’t part on the best of terms). SW didn’t even ask him about that, just if I was of good character. He was fine about it all. He’d moved on, I’d moved on and he honestly wished me well (20 years does give you quite some time to grow up). We all have a past, SW just need to tick the box that everything you say checks out and corroborates.

Did you live together or share any child care? My sw was happy not to approach exes if those criteria were filled... she even said it wouldn't be relevant if had lived together, if no children involved and a significant time ago.... I wouldn't have had a clue of how to get hold of one at all.

Thank you. I do think if it was the other way round and he contacted me then I'd be fine to do that for him. We were married so living together but no children involved. Ill send that fb message today!

He won't be asked to be one of your referees.

Hi, They tried to contact my ex twice as I had looked after his child but there was no way he would respond as he didn’t agree with adoption. I begged them to stop trying as I didn’t really want the control freak thinking he was that important. Thankfully they just wrote a section in my Par to say they had tried and all was fine.

Thanks for your replies. He's not one of our 3 references but they have said they need to contact him. OHs ex too. I understand why it's required, its all self reporting otherwise isn't it. This is just to corroborate what's been said. He has actually replied now and said its fine so all good!