Lack of support network

[steveomc209]

So we went to a presentation from local adoption board. Split into five areas in wales. Anyway once everyone had got up at the end of the talk we asked a question to the staff member to.one side.
In terms of a support network both sets if parents live away one side 2 hours the other 3 hours.
We also dont have much of a social network. Dont get me wrong we have some friends but only a few mainly work and dont go out much.
So when we mentioned this he seemed to be a bit reluctant perhaps and said it may not be a problem but once we the initial interview he would have to review it and see if we would be able to go further with the application.
I'm really worried that it would be a no.

Hi. I adopted a year ago. Our families live abroad and just like you we have a very small group of friends. This was never seen as an issue. The important thing is quality over quantity! Also, support doesn’t necessarily need to be available physically. You can have a close small group of friends that you can rely on for emergencies and then family far away who can support you in other ways. :)

Also, when you adopt your family will obviously visit you and vice-versa. The important thing is that you demonstrate to the social worker that you have a couple of people that you can rely on for emergencies and then a wider network that can provide emotional support and advice when needed.

And two/three hours away is not far... our families live over 1000 miles away! Since adopting they have visited us several times and vice-versa.

Most people write down their support network only to find out after they've adopted their actual support network bares little resemblance to what they wrote. I genuinely put down names on our support network just to pad it out. I've met a couple of fantastic mums since LO came home and there are a couple of people from adoption training sessions who are fantastic too.

We are in north wales and adopted through NWAS while my little sister lives in London. It hasn't stopped her from becoming an integral part of my support network, especially since she had her first child earlier this year. We video chat a couple of times a week and see each other during the school holidays.

We had a query brought up by a social worker on our limited support network. It made us think about this in a more general way- you don’t need lots of close friends, you probably know more people than you think you do. Don’t be put off by one slightly negative comment, you are likely to get many obstacles on the way. Also, you can work on improving your networks. Do you know any of your neighbours? Neighbours can be great for emergency babysitting, a quick trip to the shops or just a friendly face that you regularly see. If you don’t know your neighbours that well, start saying hello and stopping for a chat. You have friends in work, start cultivating those relationships now. Support can be on the end of a phone, and I even gave this forum as a source of support. We helped out at Beavers which not only gave us the necessary child care experience, but enabled us to meet other parents who became part of our support list. Are there any parents groups locally that you could join or any children’s clubs that you could help out with? Think of it as something you can work on to improve rather than a no from the start. Good luck!

Don't be put off.

Think about the support you have and cultivate more.

My family are not available to help and dh's family are quite far away and only help a bit. Most support comes from local people. Here are some examples of the support I've needed in the last few years with adopted son and birth dd.

-Someone to talk to (by phone or in person)
-Someone to look after son for an hour when I went for a mammogram
-Someone to collect son from school when I had to work late
-Someone to drive us to the hospital when dd was ill and our car wasn't working
-Someone to go to the shop for me when little one was unwell and we had run out of something
-People to come round and chat to me at home of an evening when I needed a friend
-People to go out with for a drink or meal because even parents need a bit of time off, and dh was at home with kids
-People to ask advice of when little was was behaving a certain way (this forum has been very helpful!)

Just think who you could ask and cultivate friendships who could fulfill those kind of roles. Most likely, no one person will be able to do everything.

What Italian said.

Family can provide emotional support by phone.
The doctor / health visitor can provide medical support.
An ex-work colleague with children can provide child related advice.
Mumsnet can provide advice (I had Adoption UK message boards down on my network).

But you do need to be able to name some people who could go and buy food for you if you were ill or whatever. You may not like to ask for help, but you need to be able to ask for help when needed. Many people are only too happy to do bits.

In our early days I needed

• a new friend with DC same age that I met at playgroup to come and play with my LO while a social worker visited
• a neighbour nurse to confirm chicken pox
• long standing friend just to chat to about how I was feeling
• message boards to be 'not alone' in the adopting bit
• AUK meet ups to meet other adopters

By the time we got our adoption order, 15 months after placement, my support network was very different from the one in our homestudy, or even the one at placement.
But
by having a network it showed we could build and draw on relationships, so we were able to continue that when placed.

Thanks for all your answers and advice. We have an appointment with the social worker to come to our house and do an initial assessment next Monday 13th.

Yay, sounds good.

So we had our meeting this morning and it went really well I think. Lasted about 2.5 hrs. At the end before looking around our house she said she was happy to put us forwards for consideration. She could not foresee any major questions being asked by her manager. She says she will come back to us with an update in the next week or so. There is a course at the end of March she will put us forward for.
In terms of the support network it split into 3. First with family she seemed content that all our family would be supportive and available on the phone or able to travel to us and help out if needed. Second she seemed happy that we were enthusiastic to engage in the process and would want to come along to events and meet with other adopters at events.
The third and final thing was friends in the area that we need to build on she seemed ok that this was limited and we said we would work on this.

Also, have a look for local, child friendly community organisations.

For us, one of the best sources of practical support has been getting involved in our local church. I went along initially because DDs FCs were church-goers and it was a part of their routine I could continue for the transition phase. I carried on because the 1 hour 15 minutes while they were in Sunday School was the only time in the week I could slope off to a coffee shop and stare into space... it was the start of a number of supportive relationships, and I was never asked about my personal beliefs (it was the Anglican church, rather than one of the more 'intense' denominations).

Have a browse wherever local notices get put up - the library? The focus of the group (local history, bell ringing, maintaining a local beauty spot) is less important than finding a friendly, non-judgemental, civic minded group of people who are open to new members.

When we adopted I found I didn't use my support network for anything face to face, it was more over text/the phone when I needed someone to tell me I was doing okay, my feelings were natural (when I was overwhelmed in the first 2 weeks of placement) etc. THAT is what I needed them for, and they were there for me!

If you have a handful of friends/family who will be there if you call then that is the support you will be looking for.