Adopting before having biological child

[Rae444]

Hi all,

Forgive me for a rambling post but I'm mainly thinking out loud..

I have always wanted to adopt and my husband has agreed to look into it. We have also started TTC however I am confused to the rules on adoption if you are pregnant and can't find much online?

Has anyone ever started the adoption process whilst pregnant or do you have to wait a certain amount of time?
If you start the adoption process and then get pregnant will they continue with it/delay matching/ask you to restart in a specified time frame?
In peoples experience is there any differance/benefits to adopting first or vice versa?

Thanks for your advice in advance!

This was my experience a few years ago, but things may have changed or agencies may have different policies:
If we had a biological child, we needed to wait at least two years until applying for adoption.
If we applied for adoption, we had to confirm absolutely that we were not TTC and had no intention of TTC (ie that we were devoting ourselves wholeheartedly to adoption).

So I think it would be highly unlikely to be able to start the adoption process whilst pregnant (why would you want to?).
And if you start the adoption process, you'd need to stop TTC.

I was the same as you OP, really wanted to adopt. The first time we tried, we were told that we were ineligible because we were both white, but I believe those race policies are no longer used. Adopting is a huge, massively intense process - most agencies/councils run info sessions on it, perhaps go along to one of those? I'm sure others with more experience will give you more info on here. Good luck OP.

QueSera has it spot on, you would be told you could not continue to TTC whilst going through the process, and you would probably be asked about contraception (we were). If you got pregnant the process would stop.

You absolutely could not start the process whilst pregnant, and even after that you would need to wait at least 2 years before starting. They like the adopted child to be 2 years younger than the younger child.

Adoption is expensive, the process is around 9 months to get approved (sometimes longer) and waiting for a match is open...it could be weeks, months or even years.

@quesara and @nohateplease thanks for your replies.

I guess we need to have a think in that case, what order to try to do things in..

@nohateplease Can I ask what parts you found expensive? Im in the UK so I'm only aware of a couple of costs the adopters need to pay?

It isn't expensive for adopters but it is for social services, who don't want to waste money training people up and putting hours of work into couples who are tcc anyway. You can't have it both ways, it's one or the other. As you are already TTC I would put adoption completely on the back burner until your birth child is older.

I meant expensive for them to put people through the process (I'm in the UK too). ☺

It's expensive in that you are expected to be able to fund a parent staying at home for 12 months post placement . It's not like maternity leave where you can put your child in nursery and go back to work due to additional attachment bonding required plus possible contact with birth family etc . You have to pay for medicals etc. You might qualify for adoption leave from work.

@BogStandardMe and @nohateplease I understand, thanks, i naively hadnt thought of it like that. Thanks for your insight.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished - That's all maybe's though, and probably your experience, but not everyone's.

Yes, you are 'expected' to be off work for 12 months. It will go in your favour if you say you will be, but you don't HAVE to.

Our LO came home at 6 months, when he was a year old he went to nursery 2 days a week. He was ready, more than ready!

My OH went back to work then, so did I, and our LO would be in nursery 2 days a week, my Mum would have him one day, and we would cover the 2 days between us.
Once a child is placed, if things all go to plan, you can apply for the adoption order after 10 weeks. Our son was legally ours, no more involvement with SS, after 6 months. Then it was our choice what to do.

Our LO didn't have contact with his birth family, most don't unless it's 'foster to adopt' which is completely different and the process is different.

Not all people pay have to pay for medicals. We didn't.

Everyone is entitled to adoption leave/pay, unless your self-employed. Self-employed people get no adoption pay (which is soooo wrong) even though they would if they were pregnant get maternity pay.
Everyone else gets adoption leave/pay.

I have two children my eldest is 6 and I gave birth to her and my youngest is 4 who is adopted.

I came to adoption unable to have any more biologically but always wanted to. However I am glad I had the experience of pregnancy and a newborn. I went through a grieving almost of not having that with my son and still feel great sadness about it.

I am also aware that my son would struggle with me having a biological baby. That’s a part of his life I didn’t share with him.

I also know I wouldn’t adopt again. I could never put him through the trauma of the early days the way he put my daughter through. My job is to protect them and knowing now how hard the adoption was/is I couldn’t risk it. (Sorry it’s so gloomy but it was our experience).

I personally glad I had a birth child first. If I was able to have a second naturally I would have and adoption wouldn’t have been considered. For that reason, I came to adoption for very different reasons. What are your reasons? Would you be disappointed if you didn’t adopt or give birth to your child? (I’m not asking for an answer but things to consider)

I think these are things you should consider before starting a family, whichever way you do it.

Practicalities. You need to be prepared to have a year off work and be prepared to return part time if your little one needs you at home (I’ve done this but he struggles being apart). If you can return earlier and full time then you’ve at least prepared for the cut in wages. You need a spare room. Also, we were asked to be on contraception while adopting just in case. You need to show commitment to adoption as being the way you want to expand your family. The little ones need you to be.

These are just ramblings but hope they help.

Also consider that your adopted child may have specific needs which require much more focus/ attention and wouldn’t be able to cope with another child around. Have you considered that the needs of the child are too great so practically having another child (whether adopted or birth) would be impractical/ could you be 100% certain if this was the situation you would be okay with that?

We adopted by choice with no health/ fertility issues and throughout the process this was always ask to us to consider. For some families when discussing it honestly couldn’t fathom not having birth children after. Just something else to consider x

If you start the adoption process and then get pregnant will they continue with it/delay matching/ask you to restart in a specified time frame?
If this happens, you will not be allowed to continue with the adoption process.

I'd strongly advise bio child first, if there is any part of you wanting a bio child.

I agree with what’s been said already - though the processes are a bit different depending on where you are in the uk.

I’d also say I wouldn’t even consider adopting with the idea of having a biological child afterwards - the level of insecurity and uncertainty you’d be bringing to your adopted child would be awful for them.

If you think about the focus of adoption being to find secure, safe homes for children, rather than finding children for parents, you’ll understand that the adopted child’s needs are always paramount so the shape of your family needs to fit them. I know of folk who have unintentionally got pregnant after adoption and have had real challenges to face, it’s not remotely something I’d plan to go into.

In my experience I strongly felt that if i were to be TTC or if I was to fall pregnant during the adoption process, not only would the process stop but it would be unlikely that we would be allowed to continue at a later date either - the sw really emphasised that we ensured that we wouldn’t get pregnant, and that we were truthful and honest when answering their questions.
i honesty think have your bio children first, and then revisit adoption at a later time when you are both ready and completely on board with adoption.

"I’d also say I wouldn’t even consider adopting with the idea of having a biological child afterwards - the level of insecurity and uncertainty you’d be bringing to your adopted child would be awful for them."

This with bells on!

The adopted child needs to be the youngest in the family because:
-They may be at a lower age behaviorally anyway
-They will bring challenges and need to be the 'baby' get a good share of time attention
-The birth child may be subject to difficult behaviours from their adopted sibling. Being older by at least 2 years give them a better chance of weathering any upsets/aggression and of understanding why little bro/sis needs so much attention.

Practically, unless you are very young, e.g. twenty something, you would have very much lowered your chances of having a birth child by adopting first and potentially waiting 4 or 5 years to TTC.

Even at 29 ( assuming you were) you would be looking at 1-2 years process and matching, a couple of years with adopted child then trying to get pregnant in your early to mid thirties. Just not practical. Even if you were very young I'd not do that. Fertility does drop of for women (as I am sure you know).