Life Story book... Negative reaction

[Ianrules101]

Hi...
We adopted our boy at 7 months old, he is now nearly 3. I have always read stories and talked about adoption etc to make sure it's in his awareness even if he doesn't understand what I'm going on about. Today, he was asking to see photos of himself as a baby so I did that and thought it was a good opportunity to get his life story book out. His reaction was really odd... he was happily looking at the photos of himself and with us and his foster carerer but when we got to the page of his birth parents he scrunched up his face, got a bit angry and shut the book... he was fostered from birth but had contact sessions with his birth parents until he came to us but he was so young I can't imagine he had any memory of them. I was just as positive when talking about them as other people in the photos. It reminded me that the last time I showed it to him he shut the book at that page too, at that time I thought he'd just got bored cos they weren't photos of anyone he recognised.

I was wondering if anyone else has had any experience like this or if anyone had any advice on introducing life story to a 3 year old?
Thanks!

My AD3 has seen photos and when I discussed this with the parent of an adopted now 4 year old they were horrified and wouldn't engage with the concept/term of life story work at all later in the discussion.

I've very much simplified our life story into a book of photos of babyhood taken while with FCs and a photo version of her with birth family.

She's not really interested in photos of birth family as she doesn't recognise the people in them. She is also struggling with the idea that we're not her birth parents and asks why we're not in the photos and where we were at that point. I think it is related to the very real separation anxiety that she feels if one of us goes out without her when she doesn't expect it. She worries we will suddenly disappear from her life forever too.

We've done a third book celebrating our first few months together and this one she really engages with as we can talk about the memories behind the photos.

Have you got any books to read together about adoption? If you haven't got them already I'd recommend:

A mother for Choco
We belong Together, the I love you book and family book all by Todd Parr
The teazle's baby bunny

I love 'A mother for Choco'.

Ianrules101 that sounds very tough for you and your little one but it doesn't sound very odd really. Our son came to us at 3 and is now 9 so he has a whole concept of his birth family your little one does not. However, he also struggles with some aspects of the adoption (quite understandably) and I kind of feel it is all quite normal.

Presumably your son knows he could not live with his birth family and that may be painful for him in some way. Because he was adopted so young he doesn't have the langue to discuss this easily and when we are stumped by things it seems normal to want to avoid them (by shutting the book). Our son had a similar reaction to some news in his life story book.

I think it is great you are persevering with all this, it would be easy to forget it all and then for it to be a massive shock for him when older, and this is why we continue with stuff our son has little interest in.

Your doing a great job and I think I'd just keep a note of reactions etc. I presume you will be offered ongoing support in your area, especially around talking about adoption as your child grows and you could talk to professionals about this, just to help you cope in the best possible way.

At his age and with no real memory of his birth family I’d just keep it in conversation just now - eg showing baby photos and talking about foster carers and asking if he wants to see pictures of his birth family rather than showing him. For you it’s part of his story but he doesn’t know that part yet so don’t ignore it, speak about his birth family but don’t force him to face them just yet. A friend adopted at around the same age and her little one is now 5. He knows he is adopted and knows about his birth family but still isn’t interested yet in pictures - he too closes his book or walks away.

My two were older and have memories of their birth family but my daughter particularly will say things like “when I was a baby we did X”, I gently remind her she wasn’t with me as a baby and talk about her life before us. It’s difficult because does wish she was always here but we just keep dripping info about her birth family as it comes up. There are parts of their story they don’t know yet because they’re just too young yet but when the time comes we’ll talk about it with them.

They need to know they are adopted and why they couldn’t be with their birth family, looking at photos etc I’m happy to do at their own pace.

Great advice jelly.

We recently had our DC's lifestory book re-done (as they needed more depth being older now) and the SW suggested separating the photos, from the life story book. DC had previously been upset by photos of some people and had asked me to take them out.

So we have kept the photos in a little album easily available whenever DC want to look, but the lifestory book pictures are all cartoon/drawing type images. It does seem to have helped DC to engage much more and chat about the life events and info in the book, without the added emotional intensity of the photos.

His reaction was really odd... he scrunched up his face, got a bit angry and shut the book I can't imagine he would remember in the sense an older child would, but it sounds like he has some strong emotions and it has happened twice and so I think you need to delve a bit more to help him with it. It could be that he is feeling angry about rejection, based on the understanding he has been given unintentionally as opposed to memory? I would talk to a therapist who specialises in life story work in real life - they can ask you relevant questions and would hopefully have more insight from that - and guidance about how to work out what he is feeling and how to then help him process it, and what to do going forward. I wouldn't just leave it, personally - thefeelings won't just go away and may get more confused over time.

I think that issues around bio family for adopted children can be incredibly complex and even older children will not be aware of their needs or how to express them.