time out for adopted kids

[kckalli]

Hi all!

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts were on time out for adopted kids. I found that talking to different people (adopters and professionals) the opinions are widely spread.

Interested in your thoughts :-)

I assumed the OP meant ‘time out’ as in discipline or calming down time from a tantrum..?

Books I've read said 'time ins' were better where you take the child out of the situation but go with them until they calm down.

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts were on time out for adopted kids. I found that talking to different people (adopters and professionals) the opinions are widely spread.

It's generally derided on training sessions in my experience. The argument is that it's shaming of children who can't cope with that.

I think that's too simplistic and it works well with DD1- she get angry and needs time to come down and restore self regulation. I will generally sit with or near her- even giving her a cuddle if she allows (so certainly not a naughty step approach). I emphasise that mistakes are not a big deal and we always talk through what went wrong once she is able to process again- no point arguing with a child who is upset.

I would stress that my two are at the lower end of need. There are lots of kids for whom timeout will not work at all.

I do agree with Donquix. I feel that you can never say what each individual child needs and I think the naughty step approach doesn’t always work with every child but it can work with some. I feel sometimes that the separation is for both parties - it gives the adult time to calm down and makes the adult better at the restorative conversation afterwards which can then in turn lead to improved behaviour over time.

In schools I think every behaviour system has a life line. At the end of its life line it loses effectiveness. Without constant change - it becomes ineffective and stops working. It doesn’t have to be revamped all the time - and obviously give each approach time before moving on (I would say a term in a school to see real effects)

The naughty step done wrong will be ineffective and shaming, but have always thought with any system if it’s done with love then it can work, but there will always be occasions when it doesn’t work with individual children... but I don’t know whether there’s been any studies with adopted children.

Isolation in schools is a completely different matter....!!!!

I meant to say in the first para - “you can never say something will work for every individual child...” not sure if it reads wel...

I assumed the OP meant ‘time out’ as in discipline or calming down time from a tantrum..?

Of course they did, I am being daft! I’ve never used time out away from others, but we do use time out in the form of a quiet cuddle or time out sat on our knees. Our DS has quite bad separation anxiety and I worry that a ‘naughty step’ type approach would be counter productive for him.

I found “Why Can't My Child Behave?: Empathic Parenting Strategies that Work for Adoptive and Foster Families” by Dr Amber Elliott very useful reading.

I find with my two they do sometimes need time to calm down or to process what’s going on with them so I do use time out, but always I’m in the same room as them, we’ll chat and talk etc, it’s literally a case of let’s just sit down and catch our breath a bit and once they’re in a better place we’ll talk about what happened and look for better choices etc. I don’t think there’s a one size fits all tbh, as long as you avoid shaming children.

I don't think evidence based research on parenting supports time outs either as a go-to method - ie for any kids. There are better ways of dealing. But we aren't perfect and sometimes it gives us 5 mins to get our act together. I have used it probably once in the last year or so, a bit more when dc were about five, but in all honesty it was mostly when I wanted TO rather than because I thought it was an effective thing to do. I don't think dc reflect on their wrongs while on time out, and in fact the idea is quite laughable. They are more likely to be stewing, and feeling anxious. Like a pp has said, talking about things when they (and we) are calm and processing again is more effective. I have found things like diversion, chasing in a funny way, art - all sorts of things actually - more effective than TO to get them to return to calm, but I can' only do that if I am vaguely on form.

I don't think dc reflect on their wrongs while on time out, and in fact the idea is quite laughable.

I don’t think the purpose of time out is for a child to reflect on their wrongdoing, certainly for my kids it’s because they are overwhelmed and dysregulated and so are unable to process what’s going on, so time out to catch their breath, calm their nervous system and settle definitely helps. Sometimes they need me sitting with them, sometimes it’s enough that they can still see me, once are calm again we can reflect on what happened together.

jellycatspyjamas If you read about it, that is the purpose often explained, I think.

This article suggests that @jellycatspyjamas is correct:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/psychologybenefits.org/2014/12/10/what-every-parent-should-know-about-timeouts/amp/

With one of my DC he has learnt that the best thing for him is to take himself off to his room for a breather and will start a jigsaw or build some Lego to help regulate himself. He will then come to me or if he hasn't after 10 minutes then I hover in the doorway and ask what he's building/how far he's got etc which leads into a conversation and cuddle then move on.

My other DC we've found absolutely cannot be separated from us when she has done wrong or is angry. She needs to see me and have lots of reassurance, contact and repair.

Neither strategy would work for the other child and they are siblings who lived in the same birth home and foster families but are just so completely different.

@dirtyjellycat I wasn't saying anyone was wrong, but the reason why there is a "myth" about timeouts being to give a children to give them a chance to think about their wrongs (your link refers to it as a "myth") is because that is what a lot of guidance about timeouts says and how a lot of people use them. I wasn't saying jellycatspyjamas was wrong but I am not sure she is "right" either, she was saying what worked for her and her dc. As was I.

Anyway, for the sake of debate this website talks about timeouts slightly differently:

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

and here is another

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201606/why-time-outs-need-time-out

A lot of the comments on here seem to be describing time in rather than time out to me. If you are there and available to support the child in a way that is appropriate to them then to me that is a form of time in. If you remove a child from a situation and ignore them completely then that, for me is time out, shaming and can cause further disregulation. For many adopted children, time out with being ignored can cause them to feel rejected and unsafe. As an adoptive parent I will take myself away from my child as long as they are safe when I need a few minutes to regain my self control and work out a way to try and get out of the mess we've found ourselves in.

Someone mentioned he naughty step which I have never used but have watched people use on super nanny and as far as I can tell most people don't do it actually do it the way she says to.

My eldest sometimes needs ‘time out’ if that is what you want to call it. He goes to his room to regulate, He can be incredibly stubborn and will sometimes just say ‘nooo’ just because. This is a real trigger for me too. I am incredibly stubborn too. So time in his bedroom is not a punishment. He loves his toys in there and likes the space to think. He needs the space to think (lthings through (and regulate). There is no room for negotiation whilst he is angry.

Whilst my youngest, (who is so much angrier generally), needs time in with me, she will snuggle, cuddle and hang on tight. But she has had many more early years of neglect, and seems to just need to know that I am on her side, different strokes, different folks on so many different levels, you just have to figure out what works for you and yours. My boy loves routine, boundaries. My girl loves adventure and risk, but knows i’ll Be there for her, no matter the outcome. They are both very
Different, even though they are full sibs, they both react to diff parenting methods...eldest needs time and space, youngest needs immediate reasurance and cuddles.

When my AD (4) gets super angry it's better for all of us if she goes to her room for some quiet time. She can play (or scream) and do what she likes and within less than 5 mins she's calm, happier and says she's ready to join in again. We talk through things afterwards. I suppose this is time out but it's not shame based & always presented as for her benefit "do you need a bit of space sweetheart, come back when you're ready". She's been like that since she was 2.5. My AS is 2.5 and there's no way he could handle it and I wouldn't dream of using it as a way to regulate him. He does benefit from time in with me (away from his siblings) though so we do that often & we'll talk calmly about what was going wrong. It's definitely different for different kids

Time in worked well with both my daughters. For us, that just meant staying calm and loving and helping our children to calm down. I used to explain: "We still love you, we just don't like your behaviour right now. Everything is okay." That worked well for both of mine.

In one of my daughters time out (putting her in her room, ignoring her) would have activated every survival mechanism she has. To her, ignoring her would have meant that she was not going to be fed and therefore die. So my advise would be to think about your child's past and what that situation might mean to them in the context of that past.