Adopted sister got in contact

[Dillydilly55]

Hi all,

My sister that was adopted 14 years ago when she was 3 has got in contact. I can’t even tell you how gutted I am. Don’t get my wrong I’ve always wanted his day to come! Just not now. Maybe in another 20 years when shes married with children. Instead she had an argument with her adoptive mom, lashed out and found us! She 17 and nothing what I expected. You would think she had been brought up by my mother, which trust me isn’t a good thing!
She’s one of these silly teenagers who’s just had her boyfriends name tattooed on her arm and there trying for a baby !! They break up every week.
She’s constantly asking to stop at my house and borrow money. I just don’t have the patience for this type of behaviour.
I don’t want to push her away but I can’t be dealing with this nonsense!

Any advice, thanks x

20 years time might be good for you but what about her. Try putting yourself in her shoes. She 17, she uis what she is, not your fantasy sister. Have you stopped to think that she had a fantasy sister in mind?

She is obviously having a hard time. How about some big sisterly advice, trying to mediate with her adoptive mum, giving her a shoulder to cry on, direct her to counselling. There are loads of things you could do to support her, if you really wanted to.
I realise this sounds harsh but a bit of empathy really wouldn't go amiss here.

She needs support. I have been in your shoes. If you reject her now then you can guarantee that she might not come back in twenty years.

Read up on trauma and attachment (or watch some youtube clips about it. Check out Dan Hughes and Bruce Perry). Your sister seems to have issues that are very common in adopted children. Plus she is a teenager so her brain is changing massively and not letting her think straight.

Your sister is not silly, but desperate for a stable family and deluding herself that she and her boyfriend will be able to have the family she always wanted. Plus she might have had experiences which speed up her biological drive to have children. Your sister is hurting. If you want to do her and yourself a favour, then get in touch with her adoptive family and let them know that she has reached out to you and take it from there. Your sister needs help.

If you want to do her and yourself a favour, then get in touch with her adoptive family and let them know that she has reached out to you and take it from there.

^^This.

Your sister could have been my ADD 3 years ago from her behaviours (engaged, wanting baby & tattoo). With my DD I think she wants to make the stable secure family she didn't have when young. She wants to 'prove' she can do better than birth family.

We saw a parenting counsellor who said it was all about symbols and not reality.

We have gone for the:

• try to avoid conflict wherever possible (easier said than done)
• put obstacles in the way (e.g. you need to finish college, you need to be earning etc) rather than obviously put our foot down.
• we persuaded her to have an implant. I sat her down and explained that if they had a baby now it would likely end up 'at risk' due to their combined lack of skills to look after one, and I wasn't going to do it.
• 2 years on from finishing college, she's still at home. BF still hasn't got a permanent job so they can't afford to move in together (such a shame - not).

So for you, maybe try to be 'welcoming' but firm that she needs to go back to Adoptive parents, finish college etc. You are not her Mum. Life is hard, no need to rush it etc?

Dilly. One of the hardest aspects of reunion is managing everyone's expectations. You and your sister have imagined this day, but neither of you had any truth to base that vision on. Don't underestimate the effect that losing your sister, has had on you over the years. People empathise with the mother's loss, but forget that adoption impacts many more family members. It's not unusual for siblings to feel angry in reunion. Nor is it unusual for them to feel confused about the source of those feelings. My advice is to try to remain kind, in the understanding that neither of you can really comprehend or easily digest the other's experience. Gently set boundaries that you can be comfortable with, making it clear that they will probably move in the future, as your relationship matures.
Take care of yourself too. This is hard. I'm sure that in 5 minutes, someone will recommend counselling. Unfortunately, there isn't much available. If you like to read, Evelyn Robinson has some good books about reunion.
All the best.

There are services out that could offer you both support. It might be worth contacting an organisation like adoption U.K. for more information and signposting.

If anyone knows of a good support organisation for adopted adults and original families, it would be great if they could offer them here for mumsnet to include them with the advice groups at the top of the posts. I would recommend that groups and organisations that are focused on arranging adoptions and supporting adoptive families are rarely proficient in supporting adults who have suffered life long grief and trauma through the loss of family members. Sending a mother who has lost a child to adoption to Barnardos, is like sending someone who has experienced a stillbirth to an abortion clinic.
I have heard about good support for an adopted adult through PAC in London, but in my experience of being in contact with dozens of adult adoptees and parents, this is a rarity. After Adoption offered a good forum for a while until it became obscured and difficult to find. Of course, this organisation is completely gone now.
So if anyone has a better experience of this, it would be great to offer specific contact points for those people of loss, who more occasionally come here for help.

Unfortunately the one charity I robustly recommended went into administration a couple of months ago. I found After adoption excellent and was sad to see it go.

I have yet to find a replacement. I also avoid birth family forums as I can't stand the culture of blame.