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Adoption

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Original poster

How long did you take off work to bond?

14 replies

AmyJo63 · 27/06/2018 21:25

Hi, please can you tell me how long you or your partner took out of work to bond with your adopted child when they came into your care? And how old was the child at the time?

Thank you

OP posts:

Monkeybrains2017 · 27/06/2018 21:31

6 months of no childcare, no education etc. After 6 months child started school and I remained off. Then after 3 more months I went back to work part time. We still have afternoons (from 1) together everyday. He was 3 at placement. 4 now.

Ted27 · 27/06/2018 21:36

My son was nearly 8. I had 13 months off work and returned to work part time.
Bonding, and building attachments ( which are not the same thing) is just one part of it. Its a huge change of lifestyle. You will have SW appointments until your Adoption order goes through, there may be lots of other appointments, your child may not get on with childcare. You will be knackered!
Although my son was school age, I feel it was important that I took the time out. I didn't want him in school holiday clubs in the first year, I turned up at every single school special assembly, coffee morning, cake sale, it was important to him that I was there. So I was.
If you can take the full year, take it, but I would say minimum of 6 months, but be prepared that you may not be able to go back to work

LateToTheParty · 27/06/2018 21:37

Almost 14 months both times (12 months Adoption Leave plus accrued/carried over annual leave and Bank Holidays). Toddler DC1, followed by baby DC2 several years later.

Alljamissweet · 27/06/2018 22:10

2 at placement.
Shared adoption leave with DH for 12 months I did the majority, then I only went back to work around his very limited nursery hours and continued this until he started school.
I still only work when he’s at school and we do all the dropping off and picking up.
We think this is one of the reasons why he’s doing so well and he doesn’t have any attachment issues (OT quote not mine). We are 5 years in.
We believe you reap what you sow. We know that we are extremely lucky to have such flexible work but we are self employed not loaded. We have just seen it as a priority.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/06/2018 22:34

My two were 4 and 6 - I’ve taken a full year off my day job and will return on a part time basis with a lot of annual leave to take which will give me wiggle room for school assemblies, class days etc as well as covering school holidays. I also run a small business which I restarted after about 6 months working when the kids were in school or when my DH could care for them.

I’ve needed every second of that year - as op said, it’s not just bonding it’s coping with a completely different lifestyle.

Cassie9 · 28/06/2018 08:11

14 months. 1 year adoption leave plus 8
weeks annual leave. My lo was placed when a new born. Financially I wasn't expecting to be able to take that long but lo was Foster to adopt so I received a fostering allowance for awhile.

Original poster

AmyJo63 · 28/06/2018 11:54

Thank you for your responses. We were planning on doing 2 months and then putting her in Nursery (we are hoping for a 3-year-old girl) but the social worker advised we would need to take around 9 months off and then ease her into it. We thought this sounded too long, but your responses have assured us it is needed (please dont judge us we are new to all of this). Obviously, we want to do what is best for her so are happy to do this now that we know.

OP posts:

howmanyusernames · 28/06/2018 13:16

They like you to prepare for 12 months off, just in case there are attachment issues and other things that might crop up, but I also know some single adopters who have gone back to work after 6 months as financially they had to.
It also seems to vary on the LA you go with, and what they like you to have off.
Also when it comes to matching, if you say you'll be off for 2 months and another adopter says they'll be off for 12 months, that could swing it in their favour.

We said my OH would be off for 6 months, and then he'd go back 2-3 days a week. I work from home so am here anyway, and at the moment work when LO is asleep. When my OH goes back to work, either I'll look after LO or my parents will if I do need to do some work.

Ted27 · 28/06/2018 13:37

You will have barely unpacked after 2 months!

8 weeks is no time at all, 3 years old is really a baby and will be emotionally a lot younger. If you were having a birth child would you put them in nursery after 2 months.

Remember that this child will have been through a huge loss in moving to you, she will need time and attention from her primary carer. And apart from anythung else, its true what people say, they are only babies once, you never get back that time. When you adopt you go through so much to have your child - why not enjoy them ?

howmanyusernames · 28/06/2018 13:56

I agree, our LO has been with us for 10 weeks tomorrow, and we are still getting to know him and making sure he's happy and attached. He's only been going in for hugs for about 2 weeks, which is a great sign, but that would be when you would put your LO in nursery.

Our LO is also 9 months now, so younger than the 3 yr old you would like, and with age comes potentially more attachment issues.

clairedelalune · 28/06/2018 20:30

A year. It was at 9 months that mine (aged 1at placement) could be left with grandparents for ten minutes let alone going to nursery. At ten and a half months in, nursery trials started and built up time slowly; I now work full time (though as a teacher I have the hols with them) and time is mainly nursery with one day with grandparents. Two months is way too soon for nursery; they have quite literally had their little worlds turned upside down and don't know which way up they are. Mine at just over 18 months home is only just ok with idea that not going anywhere again.My agency wouldn't look at you unless you were committed to a year at home.

Mightywease · 02/07/2018 14:33

A year off work, we had to guarantee that, but he did go to nursery for 3 1/2 hours a day after 4 months, with the say so of our SW.

He was 3 1/2 at placement and had been to nursery while at his foster carers so it was felt it would be good for him. And it was luckily.

He's now 6, been with us longer than he's been with anyone and is thriving

PicaK · 02/07/2018 16:41

Came to us at 9 months. Now just turned 3. I'd say she has almost properly bonded - she asked for her first hug a couple of weeks ago (ie she initiated it not us). Today is the first time she's managed 6 hours in nursery. She started on 2 hours a week after she turned two but because of avoidant attachment and fasd simply hasn't been able to cope with more.
Please don't take this the wrong way but if you've spoken about only taking 2 months off to a social worker you've probably had the head tilt/gently, gently maybe you need to think about longer response. When in actual fact they're in full on Vrroooppp!! Vroooppp!! Vroooppp!! Submarine diving alarm bell mode.
You sound like you are genuinely learning and revaluating as we all do - just be sure to really voice that to your social worker.

Allington · 02/07/2018 17:03

Maybe 6 months with a school aged child who enjoys and is happy at school.

What is your plan if your child can't cope with child care? Many can't.

Luckily mine can, to a certain extent, but 6 years in (DD is 11) I can only work part time because of her need for time with me, plus various appointments. Like many adopted children, her needs only became apparent when she went to school.

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