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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Told DD our plans

9 replies

topcat2014 · 21/01/2018 07:49

Yesterday I finally told DD(11) our adoption plans.
After a teeny melt down in the street (we were going shopping for clothes) which got us some funny looks in H&M, by the end of the day she was quite excited.

Mind you, at one point she said I was 'ruining her life'.

I made the mistake, later on that day, of telling DM this. Might have caught DM at a bad time, but her reply was "well you could be" or something.

I made a non commital comment, and moved on.

Other siblings have their own domestic strifes at the moment (divorces etc), and maybe I was reading to much into DM's comment.

Still, it reminds me we are not exactly following all the conventions here..

Looking forward to 1 day training on Jan 31st

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 21/01/2018 10:20

Not everyone will agree with what you are doing but that is just life. My parents were a bit worried at first because their only experience of adoption ended very badly with a breakdown in the placement. Since DD came along everyone has treated her in exactly the same way they treat my BC.
DS was a lot younger than your DD and really wanted a sibling (was only 3 when we started discussing it and four when DD was placed) so that was much easier for us but kids adjust and hopefully, your DD will love her new sibling.

bostonkremekrazy · 21/01/2018 13:17

You told your dd in the street?....
Before your training?

The training would have prepared you for this stuff.

I think you asked about this before and were advised to wait.

Far too early 😕. I hope your dd is ok.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 21/01/2018 15:04

The thing is, we are starting to need to do things like go to training, (which involves GPs helping collect DD from school, overnight stays) - and also I am helping at Beavers at weekends now.

So all getting a bit hectic.

DD is doing OK now,

OP posts:

2old2beamum · 21/01/2018 16:16

Our BCs were 13, 12 and 9 when we thought of adoption (baby I was caring for on SCBU) they were all up for it despite BS shrieking we were too old to have a baby (33 & 36!)
Was it a bit of a surprise for your DD, 11 year olds are not predictable.
Re your mum ,my ? lovely step mother was appalled, but ignored her.
Good luck for your training day

Signposted · 21/01/2018 17:48

Our birth son was about 11 when we told him of our plans and he was 13 when our beautiful daughter joined us. It hasn’t been proble free, he and ourselves have had to adapt but we are all better for it and his little sister dotes on her big brother

We would not change a thing

Italiangreyhound · 21/01/2018 19:06

@topcat2014 Was just about to ask how you got through the approval without social workers talking to your dd?

Then remembered training came before approval!

Our dd was 7 when we started the process, part-way through social worker talked to dd, then 8, and found out what she thought. We had talked a out it a fair bit before.

After we were approved dd was just about to turn 9 and ds arrived just before she was 9 and a half

My one big piece of advice is once new child arrives, of all goes well, do not pass on clothes/toys/equipment without your dd's approval! Don't assume they will share! Dr hated that!

Our dd has found it hard at times. But it has been ok.

My lovely in laws kept their thoughts to themselves but I am sure their concern was dd, it's normal.

Please cut your mum some slack, I am sure she will fall in love with new child.

Good luck.

thomassmuggit · 21/01/2018 22:08

Your mum may be right. But it's not the most helpful comment.

You have told your DD very early, if you're in stage 1, would you have told her you were trying for a birth child?

Your DD may well have mixed feelings, and she has to be allowed to express those. Your DM may also have mixed feelings, but she can keep those to herself!

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/01/2018 22:30

If things are getting hectic already, be very careful to make lots of time for DD. There's a danger at this very early stage she could feel pushed out if usual pick up arrangements are changed and you have less time at weekends. Be sure to talk to her about when you're going to do things together, not just what's happening to accommodate the adoption process - it would be so easy to loose sight of her feelings about the day to day changes in the midst of your hectic ness.

You've said "finally" you told her, but you're actually very early in in a process which stops and starts a lot and even with everything going to plan could easily take 2 years - try to look at the long game here, be judicious about what you share with her, thinking of what you'd share if you were ttc isn't a bad comparison.

How did she come to have a meltdown in the street?

tictoc76 · 21/01/2018 23:45

we were at a family wedding when we were at final stages of our first and I was told by my DH’s aunt that I was ruining DS’s life and that we were selfish! Was also told by BIL that he was worried we didn’t really know what we were doing and it was going to be a disaster! So many people have opinions about adoption and feel they need to let you know! Have to say the aunt I have no time for - she now knows she was wrong but hard to forget how harsh her words were. BIL said it in a much more gentle way and I can forgive him because he readily admits he was wrong.

Do be careful though because the process is long and best to not get dd involved too early. Difficult though because social workers will want to talk to her. My son was involved in the process even though he was only 3 at the time.

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