Family Finding

[Allgrownup3]

So as I start thinking about family finding. I wondering how do you know whether the right child has chosen you? There's so many children that need forever families I'm lost.

I guess the answer is that the children don't choose you. Mine didn't know about me until after the matching panel and didn't get a say in whether they came to me or not. That decision was made by a group of professionals after recommendation get a number of professionals who knew me and my DH enough to think it would work. I think they're absolutely the right DC for us but they didn't choose us in the same way as birth children do t choose their parents.

Sorry. I should start again.

I should rephrase it to say. How do you know that the right child has been chosen for you. I know the family finding is child focused that. But, do prospective parents choose from not just the Children report? E.g.: picture, name?

How do you know it's the child for you? There's so many wonderful children out there.

Have you been approved yet through adoption panel OP? Have you discussed the criteria of needs that you and your family feel able to manage/parent and your experience to do that? That process hugely reduces the pool of children that may be suitable matches. After that, it's a case of your sw filtering children's profiles and then assessing each profile.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with profiles, is your sw not filtering them appropriately? Are you seeing profiles outside your parameters of what you can manage?

It's a good question. We adopted from Russia so we just got the next child on the list. There was no matching done at all.
When we met our son, he was 6 months old and we fell in love straight away.
Our Daughter was 2.5 and it took much longer to form an attachment with her.
Now they're just our kids and we get on with it. Were they the right kids for us? Doesn't matter.
Sorry this answer probably doesn't help you much.

It would be lovely to be able to say that "you just know" when you get the right profile in front of you but often that's not true.

In our case though we did "just know" when a profile was not the right child for us. It's heartbreaking and makes you feel guilty and ashamed to turn a child down, particularly when professionals feel they have a link but we framed it to ourselves that that child needs parents that didn't have the amount of concerns about the match that we had

It would not have been fair on anyone to progress with that link so we did the right thing but it still doesn't feel good. I think honesty is paramount with family finding. Also not getting desperate, which I think must happen a lot.

Now they're just our kids and we get on with it. Were they the right kids for us? Doesn't matter.

Love this.

I do think there's a whole bunch of crap talked about family finding as some mystical process where 'you'll just know when you see the right one'

I think the reality - for lots of people - is that you are shown the profile of a child who matches your criteria, you get linked and matched, you go through the hell on earth that is intros, you apply for the AO, the sws fuck off and stop bothering you and at some point - sooner or later - that little person turns into your child.

And at that point it feels like it was meant to be and it couldn't possibly be any different for either of you. Because that's what being a parent feels like.

Although I totally agree with bitchfromhell that you know when it's not right.

When we received the phone call for our lo my husband just knew. With that phone,however, call came a whole list of possible "issues" and we were told to go away and think about it. I had cold feet. Massively. I needed two weeks to process it all and the risks involved. After two weeks I had found the confidence to think this could be a match and asked for more information. We had a meeting, loads more information given. I needed more time to think. Finally, we saw a picture and had a name to go with it. I began to know then. I knew the match would be good enough but I was still terrified. I just had to trust the professionals judgement. I suffered massively from anxiety and needed a lot of support during introductions but now, 2yrs on, my lo is absolutely my own. I adore them and it was absolutely the right match. I hope my honesty has been useful!

Allgrownup - will pm you, I don't want to publically out myself but happy to share my experience with you.

For us there were loads of little things that added up to make us think she would fit in well. DD was very young when she came to us so it wasn't like there was a big personality to bond with. We knew we would grow to love her (and that it is normal not to fall in love at first sight) and that we could meet her needs. We have never questioned whether she was the right "one". She was chosen for us and we had no reason not to say yes.

Hi Guys

Thank you for your responses. I am still in stage two but I am on linkmaker just having a look around.

My SW will be supporting me when I finally start family finding.