AIBU adoption in Being a Parent section?

[user1482528086]

I may be being overly sensitive irrational but it irritates me that all Adoption based chat is in the Becoming a Parent section and not Being a Parent section?

As I spend most nights wide awake with an irritable toddler and most days trying to cherish every minute while being half asleep I feel qualified to feel like I am 'being' this toddlers parent.

It was probably put there as was links to the actual initial process/application etc.

Post where you feel fits best for you but I don't think the categories mean anything. hope you get some more sleep soon

Being an adopter I have issues, questions and need advice that biological parents wouldn't have and there seems little support about. The adoption threads seem to be full of people in earlier stages which is fantastic and I'm more than happy to give any advice I can but would be great to have area in becoming a parent for adopters to chat.

We could split the adoption topic but I fear the tumbleweed would blow most freely around the two sections.

People have suggested splitting the board before so that birth families have a better place to post but we really don't get enough traffic for that to be viable.

Lots of posts here are by and for more experienced adopters but I think that proportionally the further you get from placement the fewer people post. That's either because the fact of adoption does loom so large for them or, possibly (but I hope not), because things aren't going very well for one reason or another.

But I guess that doesn't preclude moving the whole topic...

There should be a space in becoming and being a parent for adoption I guess was my thoughts as both warrant discussion as seperate things. But then I guess there isn't all that many adopters. I really hope there is just less need to specify adoption as time goes on. We are still relatively early days due to court issues etc. So I imagine in a few years my issues with parenting will not be remotely adoption focussed

I've thought the same thing for years since using this board! It mildly irritates me too as it backs up the idea that once kids are adopted, adoption is no longer relevant, if that makes sense. In my experience, there are lots of really good threads on here about parenting kids who have been adopted for years and obviously some of the issues or questions stem from adoption. However, I imagine keeping it in 'becoming a parent' means more people get to see it and the board gets more traffic where it is.

I agree - adoption is about being a parent, and doesn't stop being relevant once the process of a child joining your family is complete. In some ways, issues related to adoption have become more of a focus rather than less, as I have learned more and started to find adapted parenting techniques that work for us. Having said that, once I became an adoptive parent, I became less and less comfortable with posting about issues or concerns of ours, on such a public forum.

So now some years down the line, I tend to use other forums for adoption / therapeutic parenting advice, for two main reasons:

1. the other groups are closed/private (although not closed to new members) and so it's easier to discuss more challenging things than I would be prepared to post on a public site like MN, and
2. the other groups are bigger, and populated with adopters/foster carers/special guardians who are much more experienced than me, with active moderators who are experienced adopters and can also advise.

I agree it does seem strange, but on balance I think having only one topic is right as there wouldn't be enough traffic otherwise.

We are 10 years in now, and if I need specialist input I too go to a different forum. However mainly my woes aren't 'bad enough' for it.

Has anyone got any suggestions for other forums that have been helpful to them?

I understand more now that it's to do with traffic. I think I am just mildly annoyed by everything to do with adoption at the minute and this was just something that had irritated me.

I am just mildly annoyed by everything to do with adoption at the minute

Yy to this.

meh - adopters know where this board is....I couldn't be arsed trying to find another thread just for the sake of 'becoming a parent' v 'being a parent'....
i'm 9 years in.....makes no difference...i go to the top of the talk section, hit Adoption,
its never occurred to me that its in becoming a parent rather than being a parent......i'm too busy parenting to worry about it!

I guess different things annoy different people. My partner didn't seem to see my issue either. More than understand that but I find it irritating. Then again I am irritated by adoption in general terms at the minute so maybe it's just that.

I think once you notice something like that it becomes a thing for you.

And I get that if you over think it a bit (and I wouldn't be a regular on this board if that weren't my default ) it's almost like MN saying 'once you've 'become' a parent through adoption it's just like any other kind of parenting'.

But they aren't - they're just saying 'oh you need a topic for adopting? And one for people who like cats? And one for people who enjoy squeezing spots? And one for people who lift weight? Ok. Here you are. And there's all our lovely advertising money. Ta daa!'

I notice it almost every time I open the Talk sections page, including today before I saw this thread

As pp say, it's been discussed previously but the conclusion was that splitting it into pre and post adoption would probably lead to far fewer posts in either board. So I grin and bear it, as I'm grateful that there is a board like this (I like the anonymity over other boards).

There are lots of experienced and wise adopters on here (as well as people like me who have been bumbling along for a while now), so do ask if you have questions or want advice! And there are birth parents on here too, plus pp who were adopted as children or who have another close personal connection to the adoption triangle

Im just glad other people have noticed.
I also am now more aware that there actually are other adopters on here with children placed and with more experience than me which is good to know!

It's funny.

While I was going through our application process, I saw a a post from a long standing member (Devora or Lilka?) asking the same thing.

I didn't really understand the point being made then but I absolutely do now.

I think the fact 'adoption' is only in the 'becoming a parent' section adds to the narrative that, once adopted, adopted kids issues just disappear... or become the same as non adopted kids, and that the only difference between adopted kids/parents is the way the families are made to begin with.

I'd love a separate section in being a parent. After all, there are multiple pre birth and multiple post birth topics.

The only drawback I can see is that adoptive parents would hang out in the being a parent bit, and prospective adopters may not be able to tap them for info so much.

This would be my concern too to be fair, that the people who give advice and support would disappear from the becoming stage, which is where I needed it most.

I noticed, because I had trouble finding it.

I find it irritating, because adopters are often considered 2nd class parents anyway ("where are the real parents?") plus the big issues in adoption lurk after the adoption, not in the adoption process, though that is complicated too.

Reported.