bio father wanting contact

[wink1970]

I'm new to this thread prompted by new events in our lives last week; I could do with some guidance.

My step-daughter was reared by DH as his own from 9 months old (though he never adopted her). The bio father (sorry, don't know if that's the right term) disappeared sharpish and never made contact. my DH and his ex parted when step-daughter was 16, fairly amicably, he continued to love & support her exactly the same way. I entered their lives when she was 17 and she's now in her 30s. We're all very close.

There is a major family event coming up (her wedding). Suddenly Bio-Dad turns up out of the blue on Facebook asking to see her. She says it's coincidence but I don't think it is. DH is feeling very upset and rejected.

What's your advice? I think she's playing with fire and all will get very hurt.

Am I right in that your step daughter is in her 30s? If so, she is no longer a child and has the right to pursue a relationship with her bio dad if she chooses. She may just want answers, she may be curious about him. She may well get hurt. But as an adult she has to weigh that up for herself.

In no way should it be read as a rejection of your DH and his place in her life. I would be supportive if I were you. This is about her and a piece of her history. It's not about how much she loves your DH.

hi Avioleta

yes she is, and I get that she might feel this way, I just think the timing sucks massively - it's something he knew might happen, but it appears she prompted it 2 months before the wedding he's planned and saved for. (neither of believe it's coincidence).

he is feeling very rejected, I don't know how to help.

Unless she is planning on asking bio-dad to walk her down the isle then I think he needs to put on a brave face and support her.

thanks all. Let's see what pans out....

I a man not an adopter but have step dc/adopted dc in extended family.

I am not surprised your dh is feeling upset. She is his dd to him even though not legally adopted and bio dad has turned up at a very sensitive time.

I am sure he is both frightened for her and also feeling very worried himself.

It must make it feel doubly difficult and create a heightened risk of rejection that he is no longer married to her mum and so not part of that family unit and that he didn't formally adopt. Plus I am sure he has been excited about his huge role in her big day - speech, walking her down the aisle.

I am sure he also fears for her that bio dad who has walked away before will hurt her, let her down and create a huge emotional upheaval for her at a time when she should be enjoying the run up to her wedding, particularly given that planning weddings can be intense at the best of times. I am sure he and you are right to have concerns.

However, what I am sure you will try to get him to see and try to remember yourself is the huge longing so many adult dc have to know their bio parents, to understand who they are, to understand why the bio parent walked away. For many people meeting bio parents feels very important.

It is likely to be a very emotional time for her and she could find this leads to a good and lasting contact at some level even if infrequent which gives her answers and a part of the jigsaw of her heritage. However she may also find it very difficult and it may lead her to experience difficult feelings about her rejection as a baby and any perceived or real rejection she gets from bio dad now. She will need your dh more than ever to be there for her and support her in her choices. She will need to feel he understands her need to make contact and to feel he isn't feeling rejected by that.