Shout out for support

[ac73]

Three months in and his behaviour has been horrendous for the last two weeks - throwing, biting, kicking, punching, swearing, telling his sibling to hurt us whilst he is laughing. His behaviour has always been a challenge but this is new. Can't see any triggers, he just goes and is completely unpredictable. Finding it so hard to remain positive :(. Thanks for reading.

That sounds really, really tough. What kind of RL support are you getting?(hopelessly optimistic question maybe!)

Three months is very early days, and it can be the sort of time when children realise this placement isn't temporary - permanence can be very scary when you haven't known it before, and can sometimes result in children really deciding to test it: "do you still want me if I do this? what about this? what about THIS?" The behaviour can also be a way of trying to control a strange environment, and feeling in a warm, safe, loving family is a really strange situation for newly placed children - it can feel totally unfamiliar, and they can try their very best to "break" it and create the tense angry world they may have become accustomed to before.

Is your SW actively involved? Can you get a post-adoption support assessment, because it really sounds like some expert help is needed for your DS and the family as a whole? It's an incredibly difficult thing, to guide a hurting child through this process, and you will all need help.

Short-term, I get what you mean about "he just goes" because it can seem like a switch tripping sometimes, can't it? Is there anything you can put in place, to keep yourself calm-ish and your family safe, while your DS has a safe place to calm down at those times? If you have a partner, try and give each other short breaks to decompress a bit if you can

Nothing useful to offer that's not been said.

Just one other thought - could Christmas be triggering? In the last couple of weeks I've noticed decorations and displays in shops starting to be prominent. We have to manage Christmas very, very carefully - partly because the sights/smells/sounds can be triggering of deeply negative experiences, and partly because the whole sense of "build up" (school very tricky with this because the changed routines of practices for school play etc ramps things up) can basically feel very close to fear. So there's all this extra tension around, and the child doesn't know it's supposed to be positive excitement - they feel it as stress, and fear that "something big is coming". In their lives, that feeling has tended to end badly, so their more extreme self-preservation strategies can kick in...

Rather has made a lot of good points ac73 and I can't think of much else to add to their wisdom but wanted to acknowledge your post.

Christmas was always a big flash point for us too, excitement, change in routines etc, we didn't have a christmas day without some kind of melt down for years. Also my DC has only recently told me that every christmas that came and went with no acknowledgement from their birth parent made them feel abandoned and forgotten about all over again.

How old is your DC ?

I agree with everything already posted and to you.

Do each of the siblings get much one on one time? I noticed what you said about the telling sibling to hurt you and I wondered if there's a fear there about losing control of their sibling, their one constant possibly? Does the elder one get to stay up slightly later so their 'position' is acknowledged? Do they have a fear that the other will be the favourite and that's why they are egging them on to do negative things? I'm wondering about the dynamics of their relationship and how they are shifting?

Are they open to theraplay type actvities?

Just a couple of ideas.

No new suggestions, but the ones above sound good.

Oh how hard

Once he starts kicking off are you able to help him calm down quickly or does it keep spiralling? How do you try and deal with it? What eventually calms?

Are these two birth sibs who arrived together? How old are they? (I'm not trying to get you to out yourself, but if you're also caring for tiny baby it'll limit what you can do with the other.)

Thanks everyone so much. Riding the wave of a meltdown free day! Don't have the energy to say too much at the mo but your support is appreciated so much. Xxx

Glad today is a better day.

No advice to offer but support is here if you need it