Need to vent!!

[Jimbob1]

We start introductions on monday and I am so excited! However...
I just finished putting DS to bed, came downstairs and DH says his mum just rang and said "seems as you are not working next week I need you to come and work in my shop next Tuesday afternoon." And she is serious!!!
I am ranting here as no one else will get why this is such a ridiculous request.
DH has told her no but her lack of understanding does not set a good base to move forward. She was quite put out when told she won't be able to see lo for a few weeks and asked what she will be expected to after seeing our son "so I just drop him off at the door and leave?!" This is amusing as she NEVER drops him off, we always have to drop off and collect him. She is also currently trying to guilt trip me into letting her have DS on a regular day like she does now despite me saying he is nursery 3 days a week and hopefully bonding with new sibling (and spending some time with parents before he starts school) on the other days. IT doesn't mean she will never see him!
This has tipped me over the edge to be honest. She clearly has no idea how our lives are going to change.

How frustrating!

Some family members get it once they actually see the new wee one, some never will.

All the best for next week!

She sounds deliberately clueless

Is she always this self centered ?

Yes she is.
She runs a shop with a business partner and on a normal week works 5 days but when partner away works 6. On these weeks she often asks DH to work a day at the weekend as "she had already done 5 days". So has he! He works 5 days a week at his job and then when she asks. She seems to forget he has a life away from her.

Makes me realise how lucky my dear step mother was so disinterested in our adoption journey
Take no notice and enjoy this wonderful time.......it is fantastic
XX

Does she know that he won't be able to do that anymore ? He's got two kids now .

Is this a MIL problem or a DH problem ?

Thats the thing - she has barely asked a thing throughout the whole process. Was unhappy when we asked her to attend a family workshop and declared it pointless.
When lo arrives though she will be constantly on at us when she can see her.
I will say that aside from letting him handle poisonous substances she is very good with DS and he loves her to bits - probably because he gets whatever he wants but that's most grandparents I suppose. I do get very mixed messages from her.

Kristina it may be a bit of both. DH could say no but doesn't and if he does his Grandma usually says she will do it (she is 85) because she knows DH won't allow that.
I think DH is often as demanding and expectant as his mum actually. She does things for him I would refuse and vice versa.

Hmmmmm

I have said I won't be happy if he works for her whilst on paternity but he has had to fight hard to get more than 2 weeks off work so I don't think he will do. He is as surprised as me that she even asked.

Just stay focused and go broken record. I would be tempted to say the phone is not working or there is no mobile reception at the foster carers house!

Introductions are full on, they are exhausting. When not 'on' so to speak you are back home resting, not running a shop!

Please tell your dh to stand up to her, and to make it clear. If 85 year old grandma is wheeled in to do the job, so to speak, let them get on with it.

I could not quite understand all the bits about your existing child but he will need both time to bond with new baby/child alone with mum, time alone with dad. If in the middle of that there is time for granny, so be it, if this is nice for him or helpful for you. The needs of your two kids come first and not the older generation.

But be kind too, they are family and they may be of 'use' (in the nicest possible way!). No need for confrontation, or angry words, just be clear and un-contactable; be upfront, 'We won't be contactable all week, we will call you with an update soon.'

Good luck. Enjoy.

Thanks Italian, this is my argument regarding DS too. This is going to be a particularly difficult time for him as well as lo. HE has been an only child for almost 4 years and I want him to feel involved. To me, sending him off to the grandparents every week whilst I sit at home with lo isn't fair.
Luckily DH has 3 weeks off after intros so should be around to make sure we can get into a good routine and give both children our attention. MIL will be on standby if we need her to take DS for a couple of hours but I am not agreeing to set days!

I think that's wise, you need to see how DS1 copes with it all. He might want to stay home with you and baby, or he might want to go out places with dad. Some times the older child becomes closer to dad as mum is spending more time with LO.

But you just need to play it by ear and what works for DS1 . Last thing you need is petulant granny whinging " oh but you PROMISED I could have him on Tuesday , I really MISS him, it's not fair "

I do think that you Dh needs to learn to stand up to her. It sounds like she has a history of expecting him to neglect his biological son to do things for her.

This leads me to suspect that she I'll be even LESS understanding and MORE demanding when it's his adopted son . I'm afraid she sounds like the kind of person who will pull the " your own flesh and blood " line.

My Mother was very manipulative and vindictive around these issues. Once she said to [ adopted ] child " of course your father loves you as much as [ biological sibling ] even though you are adopted "

Then she acted outraged that we were angry with her , saying that it was the truth "how can you be angry with me for telling the truth ? " and saying that it woudl only be wrong if she had said that your father DOESNT love you etc .

She also said to the other children, when had just given birth to NT son " of course he's not a replacement for [SN very ill son ] "

And once, aftre I had just had a miscarriage ( still bleeding heavily ) and was sitting holding [ adopted ] toddler on my lap, she opined " of course you never know what it's like to really love a child until you give birth to one"

We ended up going NC with her. As have 3 out of her 5 children , one is LC. Hard to see why........

Stick to your guns. But don't burn bridges. My family managed a WHOLE WEEK doing all the stuff we'd explained again and again about not cuddling, me funnelling and were aghast that it carried on after that. It's funny now but a bit hard to take when you're exhausted.

I agree with Italian - if 85 year old granny wants to volunteer then let her - sounds like both of them know that is what motivates blackmails your Dh into doing it so call their bluff - 'oh you know I don't like granny doing it but I have two kids now so it's really not possible. Please make sure she has a nice comfy chair to sit in during her 8 hour shift.'

Your children need their father at the weekend and so do you.

That sounds spectacularly unhelpful of her! Would she be more receptive to third party advice? This fact sheet is quite helpful in explaining how to support family or friends who are adopting.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/adoption-and-fostering/Documents/Adoption%20UK%20Factsheet%2012%20-%20Supporting%20prospective%20adopters%20with%20a%20new%20placement%20June%202013.pdf

Also reiterate that you have to follow the advice of social workers if she tries to argue. Hope it all goes well!