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Adoption

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Original poster

adopting a birth sibling

15 replies

bostonkremekrazy · 05/08/2015 16:42

can anyone help?

we are almost 7 years post adoption of 2 lovely siblings. In that time they have come on leaps and bounds - they both have disabilities but we manage without any sw intervention or help.

we have also had a birth child who is almost 3.

sw are coming to talk to us about a birth sibling who has been born and needs to be adopted.

has anyone here any advice - or been there done that?

TIA.

OP posts:

Hels20 · 05/08/2015 20:32

Oh goodness. I have no idea what I would do in your situation.'but it is something I think about. We adopted DS when he was 2.5 over 21 months ago and I would dearly love another child but am put off going down adoption again when it is taking so long for some to get a link. But I do think - what would I do if another birth sibling came along in 5, 7 or 10 years from now?

I think I would look at your family unit as it is now. Do you want another child? How would it affect your other child? Does the birth sibling have special needs that would mean a lot less time with your other children? Would they consider sibling contact? Do you feel a pull towards the new child?

I know some people on this board who were given the opportunity to adopt a birth sibling and they turned it down. Because it wasn't right. You have to do what is right for your current children, your current situation.

Good luck and I am sure someone with more useful advice will be along soon.

Devora · 05/08/2015 20:52

Yes, I turned down the opportunity of adopting a birth sibling. Very, very hard choice. But Hels is right: you have to consider what is right for your current family. Dealing with the guilt of turning down a birth sibling is really tough - my dd talks so often about her little brother, and it tears me up inside - but I still believe that it would not have been to her benefit to share us with another, younger sibling.

And remember: this is not necessarily the last birth sibling...

What are your immediate reactions?

EachandEveryone · 05/08/2015 20:56

I know someone who had to draw the line after the third one she just couldn't physically afford it.

FeelingSmurfy · 05/08/2015 20:57

I would talk it over with your OH and think about -
The basic impacts of bedrooms etc
Can you afford another child
Childcare - were you planning on both working once youngest is in school full time etc

Once you have looked at the practical stuff, if its still an option then start thinking about the more emotional stuff -
If you found out that you were pregnant how would you feel?
If you were asked to take in another baby who was not related to your children how would you feel?
Can you go through another round of sleepless nights and potty training etc at this time

Move on to the children, 3 yr old will probably get used to it fairly quickly but would (s)he have to share a bedroom in future? Used to having your one on one attention?
Do you think it will drag up bad feelings for the older kids
If it doesn't happen would they be upset?

If everything seems OK to you then I would bring it up with the older kids by asking what they think of a baby being added to the family as it needs a home, I wouldn't mention it was a sibling until they had time to think about it and decide without pressure. Whatever their answer I would tell them that its actually a sibling and once they had time to take that in I would ask how that made them feel.

Would they be able to have contact with the sibling once it was adopted if you didn't add to your family?

FeelingSmurfy · 05/08/2015 21:01

Would it be possible to become a foster family temporarily to sort of see how things went, if you didn't end up adopting the older children would still have had that time with the baby, they would hopefully not feel as guilty in the future. It could also help to know that the baby is going to a good home, could take a blanket from them etc to keep, you would know more about what was happening which would be reassuring

Hels20 · 05/08/2015 21:08

FeelingSmurfy your post is excellent.

FeelingSmurfy · 05/08/2015 21:29

Hels20 thankyou, that comment has really brightened my night

Alanna1 · 05/08/2015 21:33

How very hard. I'm not sure I could cope with 4 children. You could also explore with the sw whether exceptionally there is any longer term financial help you could be given if you thus had 4 children?? And/or make clear you'd like to have ongoing contact with someone else if they adopted the little one? Good luck.

Original poster

bostonkremekrazy · 06/08/2015 14:19

thanks for your responses - lots to think about.

my partner and i look after the dc between us - so there is no questions about needing childcare at some point...i think thats a plus.

financially we are ok and could take on baby.

we have a spare room so could accommodate baby - but would loose the guest bedroom where grandma sleeps when she stays, she is by far our greatest support...but is only an hour away so perhaps not such a big problem? not sure how we'd manage sleeping at xmas time though - unless our current children shared which could be xmas fun? (grasps at straws...)

no chance of another baby/pregnancy for me - that door is firmly closed.

lots of chance of another birth sibling.....after our first adoption birth siblings have been born and gone elsewhere....now this baby....many child-bearing years ahead sadly so this is not our 'only chance' to adopt again IYSWIM

yes i do feel a pull to this sibling - i think because in the natural order of things the age gap is about right as my birth child's peers are starting to have baby siblings.....

i think 4 children would be our limit - so IF we took this baby, we would then have to say no the next, birth mum i suspect will simply carry on having babies....

we've yet to find someone who has said YES to a 4th......or another AC after a BC - anyone here?

OP posts:

Original poster

bostonkremekrazy · 06/08/2015 14:26

i should be clearer - we both currently work - just around each other.

we are both home all weekend to be able to meet the children's needs.
i work several weekdays while my partner is home and caring for the little ones.
my partner works from home every evening while i pick up the slack.
we have an AA which allows us to pay for a cleaner which keeps the house in check while i earn the bulk.
i do not foresee any changes if baby comes to us as this seems to work best for the LO's.

OP posts:

StaceyAndTracey · 06/08/2015 14:30

I know it's an impossibly hard decision . Whatever you do you will feel guilty.

Remember, if you feel you can't take on this child, he or she will go to a loving family , who may be able to give him/ her the individual attention that you won't be able to . He might be an only child or perhaps one of two

Also you could possible have face to face contact with him, so he would become like a cousin that you see a few times a year . Assuming that the other adopters agree.

FWIW I have more than 4 children and several with SN and sometimes it's very hard . The less demanding ones get less than their fair share of attention . I'm not sure if I'd knowingly take on another child who might well also have SN, especially when the other options for that child are very good .

I also would NOT consider fostering as a sort of trial run . It's think it's only fair to the baby and the new parents to let them be together ASAP . And what are you going to tell the kids - we sent him back ? Also any SN may not be obvious for years, not weeks . And the baby stage is one of the easiest with many Sn kids , as you probably know . So just because you are able to cope now doesn't mean you will be fine when he's 5 .

Just my opinion

Original poster

bostonkremekrazy · 06/08/2015 17:38

thanks S&T

i am torn between the benefit of the baby being with siblings - and the benefit of being an only child or maybe just 1 of 1-2. rather than 1 of 4.

here siblings are very important - we are both from very large families and i think that has swayed our views. ALSO we cannot deny the massive benefits we have seen from our 2 arriving together and being adopted together.

we agree that we could not foster and then move on baby to another adoptive home - too sad for us, and too confusing for our children. baby is settled in fc and will remain there until the forever family is found - whether that be us or someone us.....bare in mind we would have to be assessed etc.

does anyone know if we did say yes lets go for it - how long would we be looking at for the assessment process, and to go to panel etc?

TIA we have told no-body in RL so feel a little isolated so far.

OP posts:

WeLoveLego · 06/08/2015 20:18

Hi OP,
In answer to your first question, yes! We're going through this currently, and it will also put us up to 4 children. Feel free to PM me.

Kewcumber · 06/08/2015 21:35

we've yet to find someone who has said YES to a 4th......or another AC after a BC - anyone here?

No, people I know adopted a child when the adoptive parents of their three older (adopted one after the other) siblings said "no more", they are now up to three sibling themselves and have said "no more" to any further sibs.

There is annual contact between the sibling groups as far as I'm aware.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 06/08/2015 23:32

I have 4 children - middle two have special needs. You need to think about when everyone is teenagers - can get more complex then

That said - you sound like you want to and that you could manage it emotionally and financially. Maybe you should go for it!

I think I partly had 4 because I wanted to feel I'd had all the children and family I could. It's hard work, and costly, but good fun too.

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