Considering adoption

[Minispringroll]

Hi,

I guess I'm just hoping for a little reassurance (or a kick up the butt). We've "officially" been TTC for about 2 1/2 years now. I had an ectopic 2 years ago, and since then...nothing. However, I haven't used contraception in about a decade and never got pregnant in that time, unless we count the ectopic. Apparently, there's nothing medically wrong with either of us...all healthy and working fine.
We were referred for fertility treatment half a year ago, but have yet to see anyone. To be honest, I'm quite prepared to be told that it's not going to happen. (It's been such a long time now and I'm really not terribly concerned about how we are becoming parents...as long as we actually do. ) I've considered adoption to be an option for quite a few years, irrespective of bc. Growing up, I had friends, who were in foster care and later adopted, so it's never been unusual to me.
I guess what I'm wondering is, would they actually consider us? I'm a bit worried about contacting our LA, just to be told that we don't have a chance anyway and make a fool of myself. How would we prove that we are serious? We haven't even had the initial appointment with the consultant, yet... It keeps getting moved.

Thanks,
Mini

They won't consider you while you are TTC - you do need to have drawn a line under that before beginning the adoption process (ie. stopped TTC and usually taken about 6 months out to have a break from the emotional impact of not managing to conceive before starting the often very emotionally demanding adoption process). Therefore if there is a part of you that wants to see the specialist, I would advise waiting, seeing what comes out of it and then evaluating your options and your feelings and coming to a decision. I would only stop TTC if you are both certain that you feel done with it. SW's are looking for a '"come to terms" with not being able to conceive' feeling from their prospective adopters. There's nothing in your pregnancy history that would make you unsuitable to adopt after having decided to stop TTC and waited a few months.

That said, there is nothing to stop you attending an open evening by an adoption agency to research further - I recommend them, they are open to everyone, you don't need to want to apply right now to go along, and there should be details of upcoming events on your council/voluntary agencies web sites. You could ask SW's/adopters further questions there. The only way you'll know if there's a significant issue is by asking! You're very unlikely to make a fool of yourself and every other person thinking of adoption is just as nervous and keen to make a good impression as you are - I basically gurauntee it

Sorry, that really should have said '6 months out to have a break after the emotionally demanding process of fertility investigations/treatments before starting a second emotionally demanding process' not 'emotional impact', which is obviously something everyone deals with differently, but many people find 6 months out to be very helpful to them in that regard.

Hi Lilka,

Thank you very much for the answer and the encouragement.
I've looked around for open evenings in our area and there are two coming up,...although they are quite far from us.
I have contacted our LA, but apparently we wouldn't be considered...because we live in our LA. They suggested contacting neighbouring ones, so I'll have a go at that.

I think I want to see the specialist, because I want to know what the actual problem is. So far, everyone's always told us that there's nothing wrong...but there quite obviously is. If there's no chance, then fine. I can live with that and move on. The way it is at the moment just makes it feel as if there's no way to get any actual closure - either way -, because it feels like being left in limbo. It seems as if we can't move in any direction at the moment.

Mini

I'm guessing your LA is quite small? I expect the reason they won't accept people in the LA is that you won't live far enough away from a childs birth family. It's to try and avoid unplanned bumping into each other etc. Whereas a child from a neighbouring LA, you would have a bit more space.

I hope the appointment brings you some clarity, and if you manage to get to an open evening you also find it helpful. Best of luck, and us folks on here can answer any other questions you have about adoption. I didn't adopt because of infertility but there are plenty of people here who did and can probably talk about their own thought processes when they moved on to adoption x

I think that any agency will insist that you remove yourselves from the waiting list for infertility treatment and go for couselling before they assess you . basically they don't want to waste money assessing you if adoption is your back up plan and you are likely to pull out at any time .

Lilka Yes, our LA is rather small. I figured that might be the reason,... I've worked for two neigbouring councils and will start working for our own later this year, so it's not as if we haven't got anyone to turn to. How far away might be a good idea? There are approximately six other LAs within a 30-mile radius from us. For one of them, I only need to drive ten minutes, so we might still bump into BP...

StaceyAndTracey Thanks for that. I'm not sure whether we are on a waiting list...or at least I'm not aware of us being on a waiting list. I thought the appointment was just a check-up, to help figure out what the problem is..., since our GP appears rather baffled and has prescribed me Clomid, which is meant to solve a problem I do not have (and haven't taken in 2 months, since I really don't have that particular issue). Nobody's actually told me what the appointment is for, besides mentioning more tests.
What does the counselling entail and who would I need to see for that? We are both mentally quite stable, I would say. Would DH have to do that, too?

I was assuming that you are on the waiting list for a first outpatient apppintment with a specialist . A check up involves tests and then possibly treatment. You need to have finished all of this before you can be approved to adopt . You can't run the two processes concurrently

Yes , if couselling is required then you would both have to go . I'm assuming that you are applying to adopt as a couple ? If you are married and living together, you both have to be approved for adoption , not just you !

Or are you separated ? I assumed you were together as you were TTC and you asked if adoption agencies would consider " us " . If you are separated but still trying to conceive together, I think you will find this will create some problems for you in adopting .

Stacey Thanks. It does say outpatient appointment on the letter, so that might be it. It took them nearly six weeks to come to the conclusion that I might have had an ectopic (and actually talk to me about it...), so I'm used to my doctor not being very good at giving information.
We are married and we intend to stay together, having already been a couple for 12 years. (Gosh, that makes me sound old...) It was, however, quite a struggle to get DH to agree to any medical checkup in the first place. I'm not sure how he would react to the suggestion of seeing a counsellor.

Then you have two probelms . First , you need to change your GP. Because if you have an ectopic pregnancy , you need to be seen that day at an early pregnancy unit and have a scan . it can be life threatening . Leaving you 6 weeks is extremely negligent .

And your second problem is you DH . You can't do infertility treatment by yourself . They need to check for male factor. And you need to be in it together emotionally , whether it's male factor , female factor , both or unexplained .

If he cant cope with the practical and emotional impact of fertility issues ( and you've barely started ) , he will not even cope with the assessment required for adoption . Let alone having a child placed and being an adoptive parent .

Sorry to be so blunt . But I think you have big issues in your marriage that you need to address .

I don't think we've got "big issues" in our marriage. We both work in jobs, which involve having to deal with (at times quite severe) child protection issues, work with social workers and counsellors. A lot of the time, this is incredibly frustrating and doesn't really fill you with a lot of confidence in those people. This possibly explains why neither he nor me (to be perfectly honest) would be very happy at having to go through counselling. He's also from a family, where they simply don't talk a lot about their feelings. It's not a problem for me. My family is the opposite, so I've always got someone to go to, should I need to unload some emotional baggage.

I also don't think he's the only bloke, who isn't jumping for joy at the thought of providing a sperm sample in the same way as I don't get all excited about yet more blood tests (I hate needles and really dislike hospitals) and having another date with the dildocam. He's done it. He'll do it again, if needed. However, there's nothing wrong with either of us - medically.

I went into A&E, when I started to miscarry. They checked me out and did blood tests. No pain, no gushing blood, nothing. All very calm, settled and sorted itself without much fuss. My blood test results kept bouncing up and down for several weeks, though, and it was only when I mentioned that I was leaving the country, that I actually got to speak to a doctor. I wasn't in danger, but they struggled to figure out what the problem was (familiar theme there). Finally decided on an ectopic,..then a 'pregnancy of unknown location'. Took them a few weeks to get to that conclusion, though. I'm used to private medical care. I'm used to doctors explaining things to me, to allow me to make informed choices. Doesn't appear to be the done thing in the UK, which is frustrating and annoying. (My GP had nothing to do with the whole incident...I was under the care of two different EPUs.)

We decided to not go down the fertility treatment route and we never did counselling, nor were we ever asked to. We were very sure after a 9 month break between turning down any more fertility appointments at hospital and starting adoption, that adoption was for us, though we had a clear reason why we couldn't get pregnant and wanting to adopt was obvious with both of us. I would say, if it is what you want, cancel all appointments with hospital, give it 6 months -1 yr and apply. You could always attend open evening now and see if they say they require counselling If you're unsure, have a hospital appointment and explore it more first, it needs to be 110% over in both your heads.

I will say the adoption process is quite an invasive one. My partner..hmm, not always a sharer! But he had to get over that VERY quickly. You will be expected to talk about everything, the past, present emotions on everything, there was even a questionnaire and discussion on your sex life.. oh yeah, they go there! I would liken getting approved to a series of counselling sessions to be honest, so go in expecting that from day 1

Good luck