Adopted daughter

[Nottinghill1]

Who is now a teenager is a nightmare. We adopted her young,she was a little gem. Now she is abusive to me, rude ,always getting into trouble at school etc,etc,etc.
How did it come to this. It's hard to imagine when they are so young and sweet,she's been brought up well. I now believe genes have more to do with it than I first thought.

At what age did you adopt her? What was her life like up until that time?

I hope you don't say things to her like that (regarding the genes).

perhaps it has nothing to do with either 'nature or nurture' and more to do with the fact that she is a teenager?

A lot of teenagers are a nightmare, lots behave in the way your daughter does even those by birth! Have you talked to her about how she's feeling? Does she know why she's feeling angry?

Perhaps it's more to do with any damage, trauma and loss she suffered ante-natally and then as a small child rather than her genes.

My mum would have said exactly the same about me. I'm not adopted.

With me, much of it was a reaction to being so sweet and "well brought up". There comes a point where you need to be heard and taken seriously for you to be happy, not just do what others want you to do so they are happy.

Blaming her difficulties on her genes sounds like you're not taking any responsibility or trying to help her. Just dismissing it as "genes" and giving up on her. Please don't.

Teens are both delightful and vile in equal measure. They have to forge an independent identity, and that means challenging everything. Read this book and understand where your teen is coming from. She will come out the other side!

It's not genes. It's teens. Also, coping with any feelings when you are a teen is just wow for them, hormones etc. It's tricky at the best of times. My children are all teens now Some days are good, some days I write off. They talk openly about their birth parents and I am now finding out how their first 3 years imprint on them. It's hard. Parenting is not easy. Keep lines of communication open. Hugs and hot chocolate are very effective.

I know you've posted before because your DD has been abusive towards you - has it been getting worse since? I also have a teen DD who has behaved very abusively and it's really tough.

In my experience, the puberty/teenage challenges that an enormous amount of teens get (and any teen can seem to go from a really sweet well behaved love, to a hormonal monster overnight), are often heightened in children who have been through traumatic experiences, even when it didn't previously seem like they were very significantly affected. A larger proportion of adoptive children have very difficult teenage years.

I think it's become pretty clear as we know more about genetics, that genes play a large part in who you are and your personality, though your environment also impacts and they interact together to the extent that it's nigh on impossible to now say 'nature vs nurture' when it's clearly 'nature AND nurture' all the time. (is my understanding). However if your daughter was doing very well up to her teens, and given she suffered trauma and loss before coming to you, it's probably she has genes which make her more resilient/able to adapt after traumatic events etc, which is good (we also now know that genes play a big role in how we cope with trauma, as well as environment). Genes will be responsible for a lot of the 'good stuff' as well, personality traits and so on and on.

But it's impossible to pick apart, and I (personally) having read your posts, am more concerned about how you're coping right now with her behaviour? Do you want to talk about it at all?

Adopted kids can go in cycles often if they are compliant as youngsters they get stirred up as teenagers and some who are very volatile as youngsters can calm down in the teenage years. We have watched this unfold in a family we know
Is she your only AC?
Verrier in the Primal Wound talks about how if you adopt two, you end up with a compliant one and a combative one-and they often switch during adolescence.
As others have said I think it is more likely to be the traumatic journey rather than the genetic make up that has caused the behaviours-especially if the Birth Family is also more formed by nurture than nature which is entirely possible.

OP, I'm sorry you are having problems with your daughter. Is there any post adoption support available to you that may help? Are there any specific behaviours that your daughter displays?
It's hard to be on the receiving end of relentlessly poor behaviour/abuse - please look after yourself.