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Adoption

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Original poster

Matched but heartbreaking waiting

24 replies

JudysMummy1972 · 03/02/2015 12:15

Hi
We've been matched with a DD (2 weeks ago) but have to wait until 7 April for the matching panel, then another 3 weeks for a 'decision maker's decision', then meet her for the first time. So, this means about 29 April 2015. We'll eventually bring her home early May 2015.
She was placed in care at birth. She will be 1 year old when she comes to us. WHY so flippin' long!? Paperwork....red tape.....

OP posts:

bberry · 03/02/2015 13:53

I completely understand how frustrating this must be for you.... Like most adopters you may have been waiting years to start/add to/complete your family... So it's not just a few weeks... It's a lifetime

I can only guess that their panels are full until April

Use the time to enjoy a red hot coffee, a quiet read, a tidy house, a hangover etc etc.... Could you go away on holiday ???

Ours were both fostered from birth and much older than 1 when they can home due to various reasons completely process orientated

Btw, huge congratulations ????

Velvet1973 · 03/02/2015 15:59

Judys mummy that is completely outrageous! Can you email Martin Narey, I know this is something he'd be very interested in. They've modified the system to speed up approval to get children out of care as quickly as possible but all it seems to have done is take resources away from matching and placing to focus on adopters being approved.
We were facing a similar situation with a lo that we had been told would be considered for foster to adopt, we saw his profile when he was 6 weeks old then la decided wouldn' t do foster to adopt with him so had to wait until placement order was issued in December. Because of it being December it was looking like matching panel in feb with intros realistically being March. We said that wasn't acceptable as he could move to us on foster to adopt at 6 months rather than wait for the red tape until he was 9 months making it much harder for him. They agreed to foster to adopt and he moved in on 19th December so it can be done if they really want to. We have matching panel next week.

Kazza299 · 03/02/2015 21:28

My sympathies are with you. Ours was a 4 month wait from match and it's bloody awful. I agree that you should take the time to enjoy time together, sort our your house, de clutter etc but it's Sooooooooo hard and you don't feel like doing it as you are so consumed. However it will be worth it. We are only 3 weeks in but feels like months!

Bringonthesunshineplease · 03/02/2015 22:59

Congratulations on your match!!! The wait is so hard especially when you just want to have your little one with you now you have the match. Red tape is crap and I struggled with it as well when waiting to meet our little ones. I can only echo what everyone has said keep busy, have a big sort out and get as prepared as you can be. Also if you can take a last child free break and make the most of it as you really will appreciate it ones you are in full parenting mode. We were like you linked in June but didn't get to matching panel until August and have our little ones move in until Oct so a 5 month period from link to intro's which was tough. Now we are 4 months in its by the by and we are exhausted and loving it but also really pleased we did a final just us holiday before intro's started. Good luck!!!!

fasparent · 04/02/2015 00:09

From many years of placement issues, there are often many reason's for delays, we as FP's feel the same , but all considered the health and safety.,
and well being of the child comes 1st., Health and development can slow things, also matching and family finding, red tape may sound crap as are all other things but are there for a reason. Reason in our 38years all our Adoption placements 100% have had great outcome baby's and children are all with loving family. Hurt's us when they go never forget any of them will always be in our hearts. System may need change, but Adoption's approvals have dropped 47% in 9 months since Government's involvement in fast tracking, with legal issues , Don't know how they will address the issues. SAD .
Wish you well, hope things will not be too long

YummyBabycakes · 04/02/2015 08:06

I would urge caution, see if you can do anything to speed things up... We have lost many links to foster carer suddenly deciding to adopt the child, and if this LO has been with the FC from birth and will have been there for a year before you are officially matched, they can just decide to apply to keep her. We have had 4 links where this has happened (was three last time I posted, and it happened again.) sorry if I sound jaded.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/02/2015 08:14

Congratulations on your match - this does sound ridiculous and a v large proportion of LO's life

We moved v quickly through from match to intros but there was a specific reason for that and going so fast definitely won't be right for everyone (adopters or child)

dimples76 · 05/02/2015 07:46

It is tough. I had similar linked in September but matching panel and intros not until December. This was primarily to allow enough time to meet profs, because my SW was on holiday for a few weeks and because he was due to have minor surgery in November and it was thought it was better for FC to take him than me at start of placement. Unfortunately as it turned out he had an infection so the surgery was postponed until February.....

What I would say though is that in September when I knew it was a 3 month wsit to meet my LO it felt like torture but actually it went by pretty quickly. I enjoyed getting the house ready and went out with as many friends as possible whilst I still could. I bought all my Christmas prezzies really early (for me), had a spa day and also put a lot into work (although I don't think I was on my A game there).

For me the answer was keeping as busy as possible.

What is the red tape holding things up?

Chev123 · 07/02/2015 09:50

Hi
I'm in a similar position. Also when does a link become a match? My link is a relinquished child but the meetings just keep being delayed and now panel has been delayed.
I got the link at the beginning of jan. How frequently does your social worker visit when waiting? I get all worried it will be bad news when she wants to visit even though she says its just a catch up! I think over thinking is a normal part of it all but time just seems to be moving at a snails pace! At least I know I'm not the only one in this position!! x

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2015 12:27

JudysMummy1972 we had almost the exact time scale. It was very hard. You have my sympathy but I think it may not be uncommon.

Do all you can to make use of this time. If I were in this position my number three tops things to do would be to: declutter - go out and have fun doing whatever I liked - rest!!

Good luck.

Chev123 people use the term matched quite often to mean linked to a child but I think technically it is not a match until the decision maker for the authority has signed off on it after the matching panel. But I could be wrong. Please ask you social worker. If you want to be super helpful you could ask them if what they say is always true for all authorities and post it here, please! Especially if what I have said is wrong!

We did use the term matched to family but with work I said 'linked' because that was what I had been told and wanted to be totally accurate with work.

Chev123 · 07/02/2015 15:59

Thank you, I will ask my sw when I see her next week. As for doing jobs around the house I'm onto the jobs that I never thought would get done! but it does help! I'm just wanting some dates for things to happen now. Has anyone adopted a relinquished child? It seems to be stalled for cafcass who if they miss a meeting reschedule 3 weeks later!!
But at least my house will be painted top to bottom and the freezer defrosted and the cooker sparkling!!!! Hopefully with spring will come activity!

Exellis · 07/02/2015 19:35

Trust me it seems an eternity at the time but once they've moved in time will evaporate! We were linked in the Sept matching panel in Feb and our little ones didn't move in untll the April. We are almost two years into placement and I now wish I had taken the time to rest up because you are going to need all your energy especially for intros. So emotionally draining. Exciting times ahead enjoy

Original poster

JudysMummy1972 · 23/02/2015 10:42

Thanks or the replies and sorry I've not replied sooner. I'm new to this forum stuff.......getting the hang now. I'm a little concerned by YummyBabyCakes comment. I do hope the FCs don't decide to adopt if we're matched.......hurry up matching panel!!!
Not very happy that things have been shortened for the prospective adopters but not for the children on the other side. :-(

OP posts:

Chev123 · 23/02/2015 10:51

I'm sure that won't happen. How are you doing with the keeping busy and distracted? I've stopped leaving days free in my diary in case Sw wants to meet and instead booking coffee with friends, shopping with mum etc. makes time move fractionally faster and it's things that can be cancelled if suddenly we do get delays resolved!
I'm sure in a few months we'll have our hands full and this waiting time will seem like a very small thing xx

fasparent · 23/02/2015 17:24

Have had many a baby waiting too, all kind's of reason's all valid. Often think why "O why., missed 1st birthday, 1st tooth, step's........ very sad but unavoidable , feel for all concerned. Hope you will not have too wait much longer.

Velvet1973 · 23/02/2015 17:34

Are they valid reasons though fasparent? I've know a few friends with delays and it has simply been down to waiting for a matching panel availability date which in my mind is appalling. Our LA only has one panel a month for both approvals and matching so very limited availability.

fasparent · 23/02/2015 21:23

Yes most are, some LA's will move that extra mile too speed things up, all will be different, Our fastest was just 3 weeks, included one week intro's. Did all ourselves including travel and hotels, no intro's in our home, So things can be quite different at times, We have travelled the length and breadth of the country over the years, with very special delivery's , all criteria and waiting will be different unfortunately.

Politicians play with the system and legal structure too speed things up, resulting in reduction of Adoption's and approvals by 47% in the last 9 months. Resulting in more foster care placements and an even slower Adoption processes.

Velvet1973 · 23/02/2015 22:14

Yes I think the recent "shake up" of the adoption system is all wrong. The resource and timescale targets in my opinion should have been focussed on the post approval stage. Whilst you're being approved as an adopter the delays only affect you but post approval it's the children that are suffering with the delays. Our LA did go the extra mile with us but I think that it's a shame it was "the extra mile" and not just normal process.

fasparent · 24/02/2015 00:12

WELL Can say with considerable experience, most do go extra mile if there is an opportunity , many parents have come strait too house after panel too meet the children, one a good few years ago, 1st visit by chance was child's 1st birthday, all managed too fix an initial official visit after just an hour after matching , with small birthday party, cake and all. with intro's a week later.

SBRMum · 24/02/2015 06:12

I work full time and we make sure the diary is full of stuff to look forward to. I run. Got family stuff to deal with. We have a dog but we have to give her back to the rehoming centre unfortunately. Long story. It's the right decision but that will be hard. She's been with U.S. over a year now.

SBRMum · 24/02/2015 06:15

Btw - above is JudysMummy1972

Velvet1973 · 24/02/2015 06:27

That's good to hear fasparent that they are going the extra mile more often than not. I just wish it were more standardised across the board as I think many la's aren't able or just plan simple won't go the extra mile. It's the delays between linking and panel that I don't understand. If you look through so many stories it's very common for it to be 2-3 months from linking to placement which I'm sure will be appropriate in complex cases where there is a lot to consider but there are many "straight forward" cases where a child could be with their forever family. Particularly in the case if babies, so many are placed around 10 months when most had placement orders issued by 6. The development between 6-10 months is so crucial it seems to me that's where they should be looking at the delays.

Chev123 · 24/02/2015 06:40

I agree velvet, the average time seems to be 3 months. Does no one any good. My potential baby is 6 months now, the plan for adoption started pre birth! V frustrating for all!

Velvet1973 · 24/02/2015 07:24

We are very lucky because we just pushed and pushed to have lo placed as early as possible they agreed to foster to adopt placement once the placement order was issued. It is truly frightening to see how much he has changed between 6-8 months and imagining moving him now at 8 months would be so much harder on him.

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