'farewell' presents from BM

[anxious123]

Hi there again,

As some of you will know my sons placement order as now been granted. I will be having a good bye contact shortly. His social worker has said I can send a present or two for him to keep with him. I just wondered how adoptive parents would view this? I really dont want to cause them any upset but I do desperately want to give him something he can have forever - I was thinking of a hardback book or similar. Ive had no stipulations as yet whether I can refer to myself as mum or not in a card so any advice surrounding this would be greatly welcomed.

Thanks

What a fab idea. I wish we had this for our son.

Framed / canvas photo
Scrap book of photos and other mementoes
A music / treasure box for keepsakes
A nice hardback book with a note written in the front
A stuffed toy
A family heirloom (not valuable, just sentimental)
A childhood toy of yours
And most important of all is a letter about your childhood and their early years. No blame and to leave out the adoption process / proceedings.

I'm sure there are more idea out there.

Also, I would refer to yourself as Anxious123, your birth mum. But that is my personal opinion.

Hi there

Thanks for your advice, I signed a section 20 form when he was born due to difficult circumstances so I have never parented him myself. I did have contact for a while but stopped it when I realised my ex was likely to pose a risk. I could tell him about the first time I met him and all of those things. I was there for some of his very early bits - I went with him and a contact worker to register his birth, and his fc for his injections etc so I have been involved in some parts of his life and have fond memories of our time together.

The SW has now said I can refer to myself as pretty much what I like, whether thats my name, birth mum or mam/mammy etc.

I would love to have something from my dd's birth mum to keep for my her - any of the suggestions above and your ideas would have been lovely. Make sure you label whatever you give - I got a box of soft toys and have no idea who gave them - could be FC or her family of BM or BF - Social worker didn't think to ask or keep a record. Sorry you are going through this. I am sure whatever you give will be treasured

I think you should sign it in whatever way feels right to you. If I had something like that I would consider it very precious, and keep it safe for my (adopted) child until the right point to share it. I don't mean I would hide it - just that I wouldn't necessarily let a toddler loose on a special book that they would later regret chewing! With that in mind, perhaps you would like to give something suitable for their current age (blanket?) and something you'd like them to have when older (your favourite book or music?).

He has had bits from me that I know the FC has kept safe. An outfit when he was a newborn, links and a dangly toy for his car seat, an outfit I bought him in summer etc that I know theres photos of him with etc which are in his life story book.

I do like the idea of something he could have now as well though. Thats a good one.

Our lo came with an enormous bag of bits from farewell contact. They were all for now though and some were not new and weren't really suitable as broken etc so I sorted through and gave him the stuff that's ok now and the other bits we've kept for him to decide when he's old enough. I really wish there had been something more "personal" in there rather than just "things". I love the idea of the letter especially. Your son is a very special boy to have such an amazing selfless mum and it would be good for him to know more about you.x

Ive been incredibly lucky to have a really lovely SW involved. Ive seen and contributed to his CPR and have provided photos of all of my family that I have photos of. Im contemplating writing a 'child' letter and an older one - teenager if that makes sense.
To my knowledge he'll still be at FC when we have our goodbye contact. Thankfully the lovely SW is supervising not some strange contact worker.

Anxious I wish you all the strength and peace possible to get you through this most difficult time. I hope you are asking for support and getting it from those around you.

I think your idea of a book is lovely, especially if you write a special message inside. Perhaps you could choose a book that you love or that has a special meaning to you and you could explain why you chose it in your message. As you want to give him something for now as well, maybe you could give him a child's book for now and a special book for when he's older. I'm sure your son's parents will cherish whatever you give and it could also be enormously helpful for them to talk about your son's story with him.

As other people say, a letter will mean more than anything else. Could you tell him about those times you had with him and what he was like as a little baby?

My dd has a big painted wooden box with her name on front, and a padlock that only she and I know the combination to. In there we keep the few things she was given by her birth family; I have saved everything, even tiny things like weaning spoons. About once a month she asks to look through her special box and we go through the things together - as she gets older I expect she may want to do this without me, but right now she likes things explained.

Her birth father made her something himself, and wrote a message on that, and I thought that was lovely.

The letter is definitely a lovely idea. I wish we had a letter - or any kind of contact - with dd's birth mother.

Do you know what would be lovely, for now and/or later? A cd and list of some of your favourite songs. When he is a teenager, I can imagine this being a way that he can feel close to you, you know teens and music! But also his adopters could play it for him when he is younger. (Include a list so they can recreate it if it gets scratched or damaged.)

All of the above are lovely suggestions. I particularly agree with something for your DS now and something for when he is older...and a letter, and photos. Love the idea of the CD. Or maybe your favourite book when you were a child, or a favourite film.

My DS's birth mum gave very little away...I understood her reluctance to tell me - a stranger - but I have nothing to tell my DS. Which makes me sad.

Thinking of you.

Memory box's are important and integral, keeps children THE SAME not different, all too often are asked at school of photos information of their baby years, have had children obtaining family photo's of other members of the family, thinking it's them.

The SW has photos from when we first met, and will be taking some at the final contact. So he will have them, and whilst im assuming I wont be getting photos of him via letterbox I am allowed to send some of me if I want too.

Some letterbox contact do have photos, some don't. Some have one photo at the start of placement, it may be worth asking his SW if you can have one, other letterbox contact is photos to be held on the file.

Given that you relinquished your DS it is possible that letterbox may have photos- but I don't know your full story.

Could you send something like a bottle or beaker that he can drink from?

I do appreciate this is a massively huge loss for you-and I cannot imagine how unbearable your pain must be, but I would be careful about going for anything to big. The new family do have to settle down together and whilst I am sure you will ALWAYS be a part of their life, they may not want a big reminder every day. Small but significant I think is best.
A framed picture of you both.
A huge thing you can do is photos for life story work-this becomes so important years from now.
A letter explaining what is going on in your life and why you wanted him to be adopted despite how much it broke your heart.
An outfit- that maybe you could ask if his picture could be taken in at final contact with you?
Small things often are more significant than big things.

Yeah id never want to be buying anything big or lots and lots of stuff, just a few bits that show I love him and something for him to touch/hold/feel if that makes sense.

Anxious lots of good ideas. I think if you can afford to get a very much unbreakable item like a little metal train money box or something that would be lovely.

A letter and lots of stuff and sign yourself however you want. You are his mum and although he will have a new family you are a part of him. My son knows about his birth mum, who he calls mummy (name) or simply by her name. He has photos of her and his birth father and they are part of his story. A you know nowadays the feeling is much more one of trying to understand the past as part of the child's story not hide from it.

I know this must be very, very painful for you, so I do hope you will have the right sort of support for yourself in real life, and will keep yourself safe from your ex.

Bless you.

Oh anxious this is tough. I relinquished a baby. I didn't think to send something loved but I would have, on reflection, have sent a teddy. Maybe an old one of mine or a new one. I sent an outfit, retrospectively I suspect it was hideous and can only hope it isn't kept in plastic as a marker of my love!

You have clearly been under huge pressures and have made choices that get you through, I suppose I would say that from my perspective it can work out surprisingly well. I am not and would never be an advocate for adoption via relinquishment in other than pretty extreme situations But that's because it is tough on birth mothers... And sometimes on children too... Sometimes the best option though but all this love and care you are taking for your baby needs to be multiplied and spent on you too. You can leave things on file for your child at any point and would often be able to pass them directly to parents via SWs at any point so don't feel like you have to write and sort everything right now.

Be aware that it can yet get tougher in some ways too as your focus on protecting your child can shift to how you weren't protected or supported and have missed this opportunity to parent because of these things. I say that to share how it is for many birth mothers so you can be prepared if it feels like that to you too, but it can still be processed and the positives can be held on to.

What an incredible thing to do for a child and for the new parents, there is comfort in that and healing too. You are so obviously remarkable and I just really want to send you a reminder to take care of yourself. Incidentally I am comfortable calling myself birth mother but have only signed with my name. I figure my birth child decides on the term they use for me. If I was writing again I would sign name, birth mum... Anything you send will be welcomed...it's an expression of your live and adoptive parents are so aware now that many children gave had little of this before entering the system.

Sorry I meNt an expression of your ' love'

Maybe some info on your family, your parents, siblings, anything unusual. Things like favourite colours, films, music, season. Anything you're good at, writing, dancing or sport for example. Food you like and dislike. Things that will help your child realise that they you have considered, with love, answers to some of the questions they will have about you later that may help them.

You sound so lovely, I wish you all the best. X

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and advice. I have contributed fairly heavily to the CPR and the SW has quoted my words on hobbies etc and all my working background, lifestyle etc are in there and I'm happy to answer any questions his adoptive parents want to ask either when I meet them or via letterbox. There's very few things I'll not be happy answering - things regarding his father will be tricky no child wants to be told their father raped their mother for example. But all my life history he can have openly and honestly in a manner appropriate to him.

I have nothing from my dds birth mum. (Situation slightly different in that I knew her well once we grew up together, she relinquished my youngest at birth) she has left no letter, no toy and no contact is allowed. I would dearly dearly love something to show my daughter when she's older.
I would suggest a letter, a toy, maybe a small piece of jewellery and photographs. All or any of which I would love to have for my girl.
I have nothing but respect for you, the love and care you have for your son shines through your words.

I would suggest as many family photos as possible, writing all of the names on the back, perhaps a small family tree, any hereditary health information of interest, a piece of jewelry they could wear as an adult, an outfit your child wore as a baby, and definitly something written that is meaningful and informative. You are very brave and sound as though you are handling this with a lot of maturity and thought

Ive not posted for ages but wanted to delurk when I saw this.
My DD was a bit older... but I got her a box engraved with name, birthdate, and her baby 'nickname' a size that would fit photos or jewellery or whatever she liked. I'm not sure if you've got much spare money - it was maybe £25-30.
And a necklace that wasn't too 'grownup' that could be worn as she grew. And I mounted a series of photos and wrote her life story along the backs of them - her life story from my perspective because of course it will be different in her book.
No idea of course if she's got access to those things, and after consideration I've kept my box of her baby things (wristband etc) but if she wants them when she's older she can have them.
Don't know if that helps, but wishing you great strength at this time and hope you make many treasured memories.

I think this is a beautiful idea. The book would be a lovely little connection to you every time they read it. I also think that a letter is a brilliant idea. I knew a guy who was adopted who just desperately wanted to know why and where he came from. Those sort of letters would have meant so much to him.