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Adoption

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Original poster

You're not a very good mum

23 replies

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2014 23:50

Tonight my son said to me "You're not a very good mum." For a moment I toyed with disagreeing with him. Then I said "I'm sorry, I'll try harder. You are the world's best boy and you deserve the world's best mum."

When he went to bed a few minutes later. I said I love you. He said "I love you too."

It's the first time he has said that, even though I have been saying it for the last couple of months.

I think sometimes what they say says more about how they feel, more about them than about us.

I felt it was a bit of a break through.

I have also realised he talks about foster carer more when he feels insecure. he wants to speak to her or talk about her, I think it is him feeling uncertain about his place in the world.

Anyone else had any experiences like this?

Thanks.

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Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2014 23:51

Just wondered if others have had little breakthroughs of understanding!

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Barbadosgirl · 12/07/2014 00:21

No expert here, but perhaps saying "you are not a good mum" is, weirdly, a sign you are as he is getting secure enough to lash out. I love the way you responded. Like "I am the bigger person here, I will take that on the chin". If he was testing/pushing you, you showed him that a little thing like that would not test your resolve. Bravo.

Don't worry, the big guns will be along shortly and will be able to offer actual wisdom but from my pov you did smashing xxx

FamiliesShareGerms · 12/07/2014 03:01

DD still tests us by hitting out (usually metaphorically, sometimes literally...) and when our response is measured and affirms that we still love her, she is visibly relieved. I think that she will keep doing this in different ways pretty much always.

I agree completely about small steps of understanding. It's such a big penny to drop for such small people, I suppose if it were different it would be overwhelming for them.

kmarie100 · 12/07/2014 07:07

Haven't got any "breakthough stories" to add. But wanted to say that you handled it so well and thankyou for sharing...it made me smile :-)

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2014 08:56

Barbadosgirl what a lovely thing to say. I was all ready to go in with but I do this that and the other for you but I stopped myself. Because really you can't talk kids into liking you!

Thanks families ds is still making sense of so much and still feels sad he can't live with foster family. I know the longer he is with us the more he will accept us. I guess I am lucky foster family did such a good job that he came to us as a basically happy (if rather worried) little boy.

kmarie thanks, I did want to share it and I can't really say much about adoption to friends widely through facebook because I never know what people will say, so this is a nice way for me to share the highs and lows and gain insight from others!

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LastingLight · 12/07/2014 09:20

right along with you. Well handled.

Choccyjules · 12/07/2014 10:55

A lovely moment for you when he told you he loves you!

And such patience and care in responding to him earlier

Is there a plan for him to see his FC?

woolcos · 12/07/2014 11:05

Wow - what a great response. I do hope that I respond so well if something similar ever happens. Bravo!

duchesse · 12/07/2014 11:08

Most birth children shout say that sometimes! It's proof that you are bringing him up with secure boundaries and that he feels safe enough and loved enough to test them. DD3 often shouts says in a sweet, dulcet tone that we are NOT her friends, which I can only agree with- we're not, we're her parents, and sometimes that means saying no.

You're doing a fab job.

RooCluckers · 12/07/2014 11:30

That's a great response from you. I am very impressed. I agree that it's a sign of being more secure to actually voice how he's feeling. My DDs make similar comments at times and I am going to try and remember your approach as I would like to be able to respond more like that. I normally say some thing like, you must be really cross with me to say that and then later have a good cry!!!

Devora · 12/07/2014 23:22

Perhaps not quite what you meant, but this is what happened here this week:

Me: "For years and years, all I wanted in the world was to have two daughters. And then finally I got to have two daughters. Aren't I lucky?"

dd2: "When I was [bm's] tummy, all I wanted was a big sister. I wanted one and wanted one. And then I got born and then I came here and I had a big sister!" [dd2]

We had a lovely golden pause, and then she said, very quietly: "When I grow up and have a baby I won't ever give up on her".

Which was very sad, but also felt very positive because she clearly felt safe and loved enough in that moment to be able to tell me that thought.

So glad to hear your little boy is telling you he loves you, Italian. I bet you're a really lovely mum.

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2014 00:00

Thanks Choccyjules and all.

We met up with foster family (whole family, their family and ours) one month in. The next meeting will be ten weeks in with just me, ds, foster 'mum' and a little friend for a kind of play date lunch.

He has spoken to fm twice on phone.

After 10 weeks in I expect we will go to another meeting about 4 or 5 months in. the first meeting was suggested by social workers but the rest we are kind of making up. He really loves foster carer and I don't think keeping him from her would help him but obviously we need to control it and not make it too often so he attaches well to us.

He has only once asked to speak to her when I said no and this was because he had only just spoken to her the day before and I felt it could just become a habit. He really doesn't have much to tell her! I think part of wanting her is to reassure himself about his life but he does genuinely love her and she is a hard act to follow.

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sugar21 · 13/07/2014 00:25

You are doing really well OP. It sounds as if your little boy is settling in just fine. I was adopted but I was 9 and it was awful as I felt my new parents were not really mine if you see what I mean. I can remember being shown my room when I got to what was going to be my home and I stood and screamed my head off. It was because I thought it was too nice for me and I just didn't understand why people were being so lovely. I then proceeded to be a horrible little minx for a long time and kept running away because I thought they would send me back to Children's home so might as well be bad. My Parents had great patience and I eventually came to realise they were ok

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2014 02:15

Sugar thank you for sharing. Please do feel free (if you would like to) to share any things that your parents did or did not do that helped or did not help. I am sure all of us adopters would appreciate thoughts from someone who has 'been through adoption' (as we might say) as a child.

Devora wow, that is emotional for a child to say. What did you say to dd2? If you don't mind sharing (maybe pm me if you prefer). My ds has said a few things like not being nice or lovely (can't remember the exact words) when I have said he is nice or lovely. Itis always hard to know what to say, my immediate reaction is to try to contradict him but I know from my 'training' that does not work. So it is a case of trying to understand without trying to 'shut him down'.

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mineallmine · 14/07/2014 09:40

Italian, you handled that like a pro, well done. Sounds like things are going really well with ds. Hope your dd is coping with all the change.

Devora, that comment by your dd made me well up. Our kids have so much to figure out in their little heads.

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2014 09:43

Thanks mine all well. Today ds said he wanted to marry dd. had to explain it is just not possible!

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Choccyjules · 14/07/2014 10:09

Thanks for sharing about FC contact, it sounds very balanced and I hope for our LO's sake (whoever they are...) that we can arrange something similar.

Buster510 · 14/07/2014 13:09

Really well handled Italian! I am very impressed. 9 months in and DS is still way off being confident enough to say anything like that to me. I would definitely see it as a positive if he did! Although he is becoming a lot more cheeky/slowly answering back etc which he would never have done before. Slowly slowly!

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2014 20:27

Chocy social workers have told me (today) ds should only see foster carer once a year after this initial period, so we will stick with our ten weeks in and then the 4 or 5 months in as planned and after that it would be once a year. So the timings I suggested were 1 month in, 10 weeks in and 4 or 5 months in were very much dictated by other factors like foster carer availability and special occasions etc. It was only the first one month in meeting recommended by social workers. I think they might have wanted to go to once a year after that but I just felt it was too difficult for ds, the foster carer does not live too far away and her extended family included his one and only friend so not seeing her also meant not seeing his one and only friend!

I do feel worried he still loves her so much but it has only been a couple of months with us so of course he does still love her. As I have said before, she is a tough act to follow!

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Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2014 20:30

I think they (SW) might have wanted to go to once a year.

This was because of attachment to us not for any mean reasons. And I do trust their judgement but I also feel he is grieving and if this helps him then I want to offer it. Foster carer has new foster children so he knows that it is not the same any more and I have explained we will go (him and I) by car to see the foster carer (at neutral location) and we (him and I) will return in our car to our house.

Eventually, I think she will be like a fond favourite auntie/God mother figure, but I think she will be special, she showed him the life he now has before he had it, i can't be cross with her for pouring love into his young life!

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Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2014 20:31

But I do have tears in my eyes that it could not be me who did that or him!

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Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2014 20:31

for him!

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MerryInthechelseahotel · 15/07/2014 11:25

Aw italian I think you handled it so well. I could cry for the pain our children have to go through.

The important thing is the fc poured love, as you say, into his life. This is all that matters. You might wish it had been you ....but for him, he had the love poured in and that is what matters.

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