A no at panel for us.

[Nonnimouse]

just wanted to let you guys know that we had out approval panel and the answer was no :( It was a really weird experience, we were there for 2 hours and after we went in we must have waited for a good 45 minutes while they were trying to come to a decision! Now waiting on the decision maker's final decision and then it's the IRM for us I guess...

Oh no, so sorry to hear that.

Were you expecting any problems? Was your assessing SW supportive? Was the decision unanimous?

How are you feeling now? This must be quite a tough one to swallow. Basically a large group of 'experts' telling you that you are not fit to parent. :(

I'm sure Kew will be along shortly to reassure you of the success rates at IRM. Not all hope is lost. Good luck with the next steps, I hope they don't mess you around.

I'm so sorry. Did you have an indication of there being an issue beforehand?

"This must be quite a tough one to swallow. Basically a large group of 'experts' telling you that you are not fit to parent"

That is surely not what approval panel means? It doesn't mean 'not fit to parent', it surely means either 'does not satisfy the panel that they are ready and able to adopt at this point in time.'

To suggest that they are saying the OP is unfit to parent is an awful assumption.

Nonnimouse, I hope you get lots of support from all angles and that in the future you have a more positive outcome.

Oh so sorry to hear this. We're you given a reason and could you see where they were coming from? I have heard this should never happen at this late stage but unfortunately it does

To be fair I don't want to scare anyone! Yes there were issues we knew would come up, as the agency was initially not going to take us past stage 1 but we argued our case and they changed their minds... Our social worker is and has always been very supportive and a great advocate for us. We have quite an unusual family with already 4 children and some other factors that I don't want to share here as they may be identifying :) So I wasn't surprised at the reasons they gave, but I was very disappointed as we thought we had addressed those concerns well and provided good evidence during home study... I know the IRM success rate is about 50-50, so that's not bad, but it is scary because if THAT fails I don't know where we go after that... I still have a lot of fight in me, that's for sure!

It was strange as when the chair let us know of the decision they kept saying "we were worried abut x, although you answered it really well, we we worried about y, although you answered it really well..." Not THAT well apparently!

Oh and to the person who asked, no it wasn't unanimous... They were very split on it. Don't know if that improves our chances with the decision maker and/or the IRM...

Sorry I didn't want to say that that was what it meant, just that it might feel like that when you are on the receiving end. Very sorry to have put it so badly.

Don't worry, you were right in a way, that is a bit what it felt like, although we are already parenting and I am sure that wasn't the message they were intending to put across... Hard not to take it personally when it's your family ;)

So sorry that this has happened. Just a suggestion, but look on AUK as I am sure there was a post recently about taking it beyond the IRM?

Nonnimouse I am so sorry for you.

I hope you will get the answer that is right for you from the appeal and that all your family will cope through this very difficult time.

I wonder when you say you have four children, how much the family size was a factor. Of course the children could be four young or four older or even four who have left home (or a mixture of ages!). I am not asking, I am just saying that could have a greater or smaller impact on your adoption plans.

I must say that one of the absolute hardest things for me in being a new adoptive parent is managing my birth child and the new child. The jealousy and family relationships are very draining and might in some circumstances impact on bonding with a new child. If you are already parenting four children, it must be quite a stretch for a committee to be able to think you can take on more. Of course you may well be able to do it brilliantly and I wonder if the decision made and the fact it was divided might be a sign that there was not enough information - yet talking for two hours also suggests there was a lot of information!

Anyway, whatever happens I really hope the best for you. Was very sad to hear those words in your post for anyone.

Yes our existing children were definitely a factor, and they said as much. But we have adopted before ( our children include birth and adopted) and we have adopted with similar ages at home as we have now. So although of course every situation and child will be different, we do have experience of how adoption would impact our existing children, and they do also understand it well from experience. Thanks for your well wishes :)

Nonnimouse that makes less sense now! You have experience of adopting with children and it seems strange they have said no. Let's hope for the right answer for you all. Best of luck.

Would like to see how any one of them fared in your shoes.