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Adoption

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Original poster

Does anyone have any 'survival tips', please?

21 replies

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2014 12:49

The second day after my new son moved in my daughter (who is 9) and new son had a massive row, my daughter was so upset and was crying and I really wondered what I had done.

Now dd and ds are sitting on the carpet with dh doing jigsaws and getting on brilliantly. Lots of jokes about cheesy feet and stuff. I cannot know how it will all work out but it has been very stressful and very enjoyable all at once!

Especially for managing with a birth child or existing child with new child?

Thanks.

OP posts:

FunnyFoot · 26/05/2014 12:57

Try not to take sides.
Don't let them play you.
If they have arguments get them to talk it through with you separately then ask how THEY can resolve it.
Try and make equal time for both individually and as a family.
Lastly........Have plenty of wine in the fridge

Kewcumber · 26/05/2014 13:25

Only one child here but as a sibling I can tell you that getting upset and crying during an argument is quite normal sibling behaviour. My mum didn't get involved unless someone was actually getting hurt and he didn't give us attention for crying as such but would listen to our grievances very calmly.

She rarely intervened unless I (the youngest by 4/5 years) was getting ganged up on.

Its like friends from school when they first start coming home to play - lots of argy bargy at first until they work out how to play together. FInd a "go to" DVD they both like if things are getting heated.

And what FunnyFoot said.

MooseyMouse · 26/05/2014 19:11

We invented Big Boy Night - an evening each week when we put the younger ones to bed and our eldest gets to choose what we do. We pull out loads of treats and play board games, watch movies , whatever he wants. It's a way of thanking him for the compromises he makes for his younger siblings the rest of the week.

How old is newbie?

fasparent · 26/05/2014 19:44

Sibling rivalry quite normal, ignore, can have mine if you want, rowing one minute best of buddy's the next. Pulls your hair out at times. Only a problem if it's gets a bit extreme.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 26/05/2014 21:08

Best advice is DONT PANIC! and remember it is early days

Mama1980 · 26/05/2014 21:41

I have 4 brothers and a sister. This sounds typical sibling behaviour, which is definitely a good thing (those it may not feel like it) all our lives my siblings and I have alternately loved and hated each other, we still drive our mother to distraction these days! Her rules always were. Never take sides, never interfere unless blood was being shed, and lots of board games to teach co operation and sharing.

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2014 22:39

Thanks so much. He will be 4 soon and she is 9.

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 27/05/2014 22:00

Sibling squabbles are normal - only intervene to precent bloodshed! (Good sign that they argued? Worse would he ignoring each other...)

MyFeetAreCold · 28/05/2014 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 28/05/2014 09:08

I know you don't like reading but... Same people who did 'How to talk...' wrote a book called 'Siblings without rivalry' lots of practical stuff there :)

KristinaM · 28/05/2014 11:41

I agree with everyone.

Kids fighting is normal.mine do it with each other and they do it with friends when they come on play dates.

In your situation, emotions are high as both children will be very stressed. They are both dealing with so much change, So they both need lots of extra TLC

You should up be more worried if they never argue, as it means one of them is giving in all the time .

You need to be aware that your tolerance of fighting is much lower as you are used to only one child. Mine is lower that DHs as he came from a much larger family -he had two brothers close in age to him and they (physically) fought until well into their teens

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2014 19:04

Thanks one and all. I just find it frustrating, annoying and exhausting! I am sure that is all normal.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 29/05/2014 07:06

Yes it is frustrating, annoying and exhausting. They can do it all day for weeks you know . There is no subjet in this world so trivial that kids won't fight over it

She looked at me funny
He's breathing near me

That is why lots of SAHMs are demented by the end of the school holidays. Then you feel guilty because you wanted these kids so much and fought so hard to get them, then you can't wait until they go back to school /nursery /childminder

FamiliesShareGerms · 29/05/2014 09:31

Ah yes, looking, major cause of disagreements in our house at the moment.

It is a huge step to go from one (who only argues with you!) to two who bicker with each other. But it is rather lovely to have a "normal" family

Ladyofthehouse · 29/05/2014 13:23

Sibling rivalry! Ahhhhh! My 2 go from bouts of hugging and kissing and being the most adorable girls to all out fighting over who flushes the toilet or has a blue plate! It's nice to hear from everyone else this is normal!

Sorry Italian no real advice for you but it is such early days I'd just let everything run it's course for a bit. It must be very strange for your birth daughter as well as your new son so will probably take a while to settle.

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2014 21:47

Stop press! Things are getting better.

If like me you are wrestling with the needs of a newly adopted child and a birth child - this is what has seemed to turn the tide for us!

-I'm really listening to dd and her needs, not just paying them lip service. If she is unhappy that ds has done something (e.g. hit her) I take it seriously, where as before I was thinking 'oh come on he is tiny you cannot be serious!

-I am jumping in more quickly when things go wrong between ds and dd to sort out problems rather than leaving them to it. Parents of birth siblings explain that all siblings fight but they forget their kids have had years to get to know and love each other and make allowances for any little problems mine have only had a few months.

-DD and I are having a weekly 'date' night where we go out for a drink and cake or dessert or Chinese take away etc. She is also having a date night with her dad too but I sense it is really my time she misses because before ds came me and my daughter has a lot of time together.

-We are playing the Nurturing game once a week - it is brilliant!
www.familylinks.org.uk/shop/parents-shop/the-nurturing-game

Just wanted to update all you lovely people who gave me advice and held my hand. It is getting better!

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/07/2014 22:25

So pleased things are going better! Hang in there

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2014 00:57

Might have been a bit cocky. Looks like DD can till throw something under the wheels when she needs to!

However, when they do argue, DD says, "we are meant to argue, that is what brother and sister do!"

OP posts:

LastingLight · 11/07/2014 08:04

That's sweet Italian. I don't thing the arguing is an altogether bad thing - it would have been worse if she was walking on eggshells around him for fear of upsetting you.

LastingLight · 11/07/2014 08:41

think not thing

Original poster

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2014 09:49

Thanks lasting my Dd has no fear of upsetting me! ha ha!

OP posts:

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