Photos on display

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Just wondering if anyone else has actual photos of birth parents on display in their home? Ds has been home 6 months now and only today asked for a photo to go up. I have put one of his birth mum on his bedroom wall beside one of his foster family. Anyone else done this? He had his photo album in his room already that he can see anytime just didnt know what to do for the best.

We don't have any photos of BP or FC up. DS never speaks about BP and does not engage in talk about BP, other than to acknowledge he knows who we are talking about. He had a photo of FCs (who he did ask about and talk about a lot at first, although hardly at all now), but he deliberately put it somewhere that he knew would leave it out of reach and out of sight and never asked for it back. SWs said to leave it there, so we have, as he chose to put it there.

No we don't have photos on display.

Not sure how old your DS is. Our DD1 was 8 when placed and missed her BM terribly. But she needed to bond with us, and having a photo up for her to fixate on would not have been good for her. There were photos in her LSB which she could access whenever she wanted. I think at one point she did ask, and we said no, and I still believe we were right.

Your DS may have different needs however.

If you do decide it needs to come down, you could wait a few weeks, then say it is best if they come down sdo he can focus on here and now, and then put them in a drawer and say he can look at them when he wants.

DD1 was also sensitive re having friends round and them poking around at private stuff asking questions, so she asked us to put LSB in a separate room, which we did.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong it's all what's best for the individual child.

However whilst having said that there is also the birth parents feelings and security to consider when leaving them on display for other people as well to see such as aunts/uncles etc. Personally I would be very upset if I was to find out that other people who I don't actually know have seen photos of me and therefore could be invading my own privacy. I don't believe that people have the right to know who I am or what I look like especially when I don't even know them or who they are.

Thanks everyone, our miracle that's a interesting way of looking at it had been so busy worrying about what ds wanted I had not really looked at it from birth mums view. The picture is

Posted too soon, the picture is in his room and nobody goes there except us. I did say this morning perhaps we should put it away into his special album incase it gets lost and he said no. He is 3 and has barely looked at the photos since he came home so not sure what brought it on. I will give it a few days and take it down and put it back on his family album. Just don't want him to be upset if he is missing her but equally don't want to prolong upset for him by him seeing her photo every day. It's hard to know what is right and what is wrong!

It's hard to know what is right and what is wrong!

Welcome to the world of adoption! We have spent 7 years so far going round in circles on what's best, especially wrt contact. You can only do what you believe to be in the best interests of your child at the time, and keep your fingers crossed you are right! It doesn't get any easier!

It also in my opinion depends on the birth parents. My ex can't be bothered with writing contact letters so at some point they will review the situation and probably stop his letters where as I am chasing them when mine is due so that I remain in contact with my child. You can't force a parent to want to be involved in the child's life if they don't want to be.

What still infuriates me the most is a) he fought and bitched in court to get the same two letters a year as me instead of social services planned one a year, and b) he will at some point facebook or otherwise via fake profiles etc get hold of me and it will be all my fault and he will want me to tell him what was in my letter which Im not ewanting to share

OurMiracle I guess your comment was in response to mine?

Yes what is right or wrong for contact very definitely depends on the BPs.
The circles we have gone round in are mainly to do with direct contact or not. Whether direct contact would be beneficial versus too risky is very dependent on how not only the child, but also the birth parent may act/react/cope. It's not at all clear cut for us, the potential benefits could be good, but the risk of destabilising DD or her BM is also high.

As always Miracle your opinions are so insightful. I had never even thought about the how the birth parents may feel about pictures being displayed. We focus so much on the needs of the children that we forget how everyone else could be affected.

Would you be more comfortable if the pictures were displayed in the privacy of a child's bedroom, which could easily be visited by other children but rarely adults?

I would be happy for them to be kept somewhere private and discreet. I don't know whether the adopters actually have any pictures of me or not however I have a meeting with the social worker this afternoon and my privacy was one of my main concerns which is why I didn't send photos of myself last contact as I wanted to confirm they would be kept securely along with the rest of my personal information.

It does make me uncomfortable to consider that other people can see photos of me and make judgements

Ourmiracle - thanks (again) for providing a helpful different perspective