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Adoption

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Original poster

who can help DD (sensitive)

45 replies

MissFenella · 01/04/2013 20:12

tonight I caught DD asking her 3 year old sibling to 'interfere' with her.
DD is 8 and knows this is wrong etc. As far as I am aware this is the 2nd occasion.

I am wondering what I need to ask her SW for in terms of help. Would it be a child psychologist or something different. She obviously has issues that need working through and I am not content to leave things as she is obviously predatory and I need to think of the safety of her siblings.

Any advice welcome although I won't be giving any more detail than above for obvious privacy reasons - apols if you feel your don't have enough info to comment.

OP posts:

Lilka · 04/04/2013 19:33

Your health, happiness and sanity are every bit as important as anybody elses

Absolutely. This is such a hard time for you and your family and of course you are focussing on looking after your daughters and on fighting for them. But do not forget to look after yourself as well. You need and deserve some head space and time of your own

I hope you are okay this evening, my thoughts are with your family

Original poster

MissFenella · 04/04/2013 22:43

Home is fine - as if it never happened for DD, which concerns us greatly.

Cannot do anything until we see SW so there is no point dwelling and we are just keeping it at one day at a time.

One sad outcome is that DH is now too worried to read to DD at night without me being there.

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KristinaM · 07/04/2013 14:18

I'm sorry to say that Dh is doing the right thing. I understand how sad it is as you just want the children's have a normal family life. But you need to keep yourselves safe too. Bedtime stories in the kitchen /on the sofa with both of you present are just fine .

Do you have a plan for safe caring, agreed between you and Dh? For bedtimes, bath times, play time when the girls might be alone together, sleepovers , dressing/undressing, swimming trips etc

Please try not to get upset over her lack of remorse. Of course it's as if nothing happened to her, because nothing did. It's normal to her. All the normal feelings of revulsion have been moved from her onto you, you are carrying a double load :-(. I know it's very very hard. When you dream of having a family you don't imagine this as part of your plans .

And you are right that something should have been done the first time it was spotted . Because it certainly wasn't the first time it happened.

flossymuldoon · 09/04/2013 14:44

I haven't read the whole thread so i'm not sure whether anyone has suggested, but i read a thread on Adoption UK recently.

The thread was about a little girl masturbating in public and someone suggested possible low Oxytocin levels at birth and if she has found something that feels nice then that might be in an attempt to raise her oxytocin levels. She was not sexually abused so that wasn't the reason she was doing it. The person who commented said that Oxytocin drops had helped her boy.

Might be worth doing some further digging to see if you think that could help?

I can't find it now but will post a link if and when i find it.

flossymuldoon · 09/04/2013 16:39

P.S. Hope you are ok. It must have been upsetting for you all so be kind to yourselves xxx

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2013 13:09

Missfenella I am sure you don't feel amazing and I am sure you do feel awful I just want to say that I think you are an amazing person because you are tackling this and working through it. You are looking for help.

I really, really hope you get the help you all need.

I totally agree with others, look after yourself, find some reasons to smile and have fun. I have no experience to draw on or words of wisdom but if it makes any sense or helps in any way we are all thinking of you.

Original poster

MissFenella · 25/09/2013 21:16

just off loading...

ah well. DD caught 'flashing' at after school club to a boy she was playing with.
They told DH when he picked up.

I asked her if anything happened and she said she got in trouble for playing with a boy and it played out just like last time but without tears.

ASC have this week voiced concerns about DD and her 'control' of peers and her vigilance re:where the adults are. They said they felt she was always looking for an oppotunity to misbehave - and then this happens.

Waiting for a review from CAHMS following the woeful 'help' DD received in the summer. Lets hope she gets something more worthwhile.

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LittleRedDinosaur · 25/09/2013 21:22

I didn't want to read and leave. Sending your family lots of love. You sound like an awesome mum

Lilka · 25/09/2013 21:53

I'm sorry to hear this :(

Are the after school club happy to have her back (with a bit more supervision!)?

All of her behaviours (need for control/manipulation, hypervigilance, sexualised behaviour, lack of remorse/empathy etc) add up to a girl with significant emotional needs, who requires more than a few sessions of therapy.

Really hope the review leads into better support for you. Fight for as much as you can get.

Italiangreyhound · 25/09/2013 22:10

MissFenella it must be exhausting, I am so sorry for you and this situation. I just hope she will get all the help she can. Psych yourself up, be the tiger lady, I know you can and I am sure you will get somewhere. Don't let them wear you down. Thinking of you.

Original poster

MissFenella · 26/09/2013 13:31

Hi - yes ASC are happy to keep her on, they are really good and we keep in contact (had a quick catch up on Tuesday) and they will help and do support us.

They raised some of their own concerns regarding DD and that will add weight to our argument for more help, given its a 3rd party saying the same as us.

I just wish the powers that be would get their fingers out.

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fossil971 · 26/09/2013 13:48

Are you getting any help/training from the Post-adoption team in your LA? (If they won't speak to you tell them you are only delaying adoption order because you want a commitment to ongoing help). I only say because (after years of placement) we are having some post adoption training with our LA and we should honestly have done it years ago. It brought back all that attachment training from pre-approval but in the context of our own children.

Also do stick out for specialist Post-Adoption therapy from CAMHS, I have been advised, not just mainstream. Good luck.

Original poster

MissFenella · 22/10/2013 20:09

well, we had a review with CAMHS and their advice was that we need to keep on doing what we are doing with DD and at the moment no therapy would really help, it could be detrimental.
So that is where we are.
Thanks for all the advice here, I have a feeling I will need you (especially as DD2 has started rattling on about FC and saying she wants to live there)

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Piffyonarock · 22/10/2013 20:26

That sounds tough MissFennella, hope you're OK. It's a horrible feeling when you ask for support and then there doesn't seem to be much when you finally get to speak to someone. I've no advice really, except to say try not to worry too much about DD2 - my DD has phases of being very fixated on her FCs and wants to go back to live with them. She misses them SO much sometimes and I think as she gets older she understands what she is missing a bit more, or something triggers a memory. Its natural, but it makes me feel rejected!

Keep your chin up, you sound like you are doing great .

Original poster

MissFenella · 22/10/2013 20:54

Yes rejected, that is me tonight *sips red wine
My new strategy is to just say 'that's nice dear' rather than get into a conversation. I don't want her to feel FC is taboo but FC was a pig to us so it is hard to stay sunshiney!

OP posts:

Piffyonarock · 22/10/2013 21:52

Red wine sounds good! We do similar, try not to make a deal about it. We just keep explaining that DD's FCs love her very much, but so do we and we're her forever family in a gentle sort of way. We've kept in touch with her FCs and see them periodically, sometimes DD is OK, occaisionally it affects her quite negatively, so we'll have to see how things pan out over time. I keep reminding myself that she feels worse being so conflicted at times, but it doesn't stop me feeling rejected and worried about our relationship at times.

Cheers!

Italiangreyhound · 23/10/2013 14:22

MissFenella so sorry to hear all this. Hope it will get better. Thinking of you.

Hoping things will get better and that social services will come up with some genuine help offers soon. (If you feel therapy would help can you get a second opinion?)

I know it is not the same but when my birth daughter was 3 she went through a real daddy phase where she wanted to live with just daddy. As me and DH (who is her daddy) are still happily married I guess she meant she wanted me to move out! . I tried not to make a big deal of it and just explained it was my home too. She grew out of it and even says ow she wants to live here with me forever!

Original poster

MissFenella · 27/10/2013 20:25

Things are better again. DD2 is still being her age but That is life. She really does get upset by SW visits so i will be glad when we adopt next year.

All in all its good.

Thanks for the great suppert here :D

OP posts:

Lilka · 27/10/2013 23:32

Really glad to hear things are better again :)

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2013 23:38

MissFenella great news.

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