WWYD/ Help?

[SarahJ63]

My DH found out 4 years ago that his then partner (who he was with before he met me 8 years ago) who dissapeared and told him she had aborted a child they had concieved, did infact have a baby girl and had her adopted at birth. Obviously we were in total shock but wanted to see if there was anything we could do to try and get some contact, even if it was a letter or just a picture.

SS were awful and after explaining the whole situation basically said that we could have no contact as she didnt name him as the father. We even asked that they just put his name on her file on the off chance that if she ever decided to look for her family then at least she would have a name.... but no.

Is there any other route we can go down? And if you were her adoptive parents would you feel that you wouldnt want to send one photo. SS made us feel so unreasonable for even suggesting it. We totally understand that she is settled with a loving family and in no way want to disrupt that.

Any advice would be greatly recieved!

I'm sorry and surprised to hear that, as social services are supposed to make all reasonable efforts to locate and involve both birth parents. Not having a name on a birth certificate is neither here nor there. Of course, it could be that they weren't strenuous enough in getting information from the birth mother, and are feeling defensive now.

Nonetheless, it is as you say too late to disrupt the adoption, but this little girl has a right to know that she has a birth parent, and to appropriate contact. In your position, I would be seeking legal advice.

You asked how adoptive parents might feel about contact. I can only speak for myself: I would agree to indirect contact (exchange of letters). If there were no security issues (i.e. if social services were reassured you're not likely to come looking for us uninvited) I would send a photo. If I felt you were reasonable people with the child's best interests at heart, I would be discussing direct contact. This is about what's best for the child, and I would never refuse my child knowledge of their birth parents without good reason.

This is a very strange and unusual case and you need specialist advice. Either from a lawyer or from an appropriate organisation - Family Rights Group?

We of course know that the family she is with is all she has ever known and would in no way want to make her feel unsettled etc. My husband have 2 children ourselves. He would be happy with his name on her records but like i said SS wouldnt even entertain the idea, we even said we would pay for a swab DNA Just to confirm that he was... But again was told no as it would have been too traumatic for her (age 5).

I dont think they did make an effort to find him at all and BM was sectioned not long after the adoption which makes things even more complicated...
I think we will see leagal advice again. The last person we saw said is would cost 20k plus in leagal fees and even then we might not be able to get letterbox access... I just feel for my hubby :(

From what you say the bm didn't name him as the father. It may well be that either he isn't the father as she was having another concurrent relationship (or relationships) or he is the father and she lied about this to avoid your DH's name being brought into the frame. Was there a reason why she wouldn't have wanted him involved?

Either way there is probably a different man's name in the file as the father, hence SS unwillingness to muddy the waters of what they view as a 'closed case'.

I can't see what benefit it would bring the child at this stage to have a DNA test to confirm who her bio father is but you are right, she may want the information when she's an adult. DH could try to get permission to write a letter to be included in her file (that she may or may not access as an adult)stating just that he has suspicions that he may potentially be her bio father and that if she would like to contact him to follow this up he would be prepared to undergo a DNA test.

I am an adoptive parent and both of my children have no father named on their original birth certificates.

If SS contacted me to say that someone had come forward claiming to be the father I would want it to be investigated ( DNA test carried out etc)

If the DNA matched I would agree to letter box contact ( newsletters about the children are getting on)and photos to be sent. This is exactly the contact arrangement we have with Birth Mother. This would all be done anonymously and only once the children reach 18 would any face to face contact be considered.

I would be pleased for my children to finally have the missing piece of the jigsaw and to know that they have both a birth mother and a birth father.

What SS should do is approach her parents and tell them what has happened and ask about a DNA test. I suspect they are hoping you will go away if they don't do anything, because it's too much effort for them to go too (plus arse-covering if they didn't invstigate enough at the time)

Personally, (as it happens I do know who all close relatives are) but hypothetically were the father unknown and came forward, I would certainly do a DNA test and then I would send letters and photos were it safe to do so. I would also be happy to arrange face to face meetings if my child asked for that at any age

However, I would say that her parents might refuse to do that. We all have different attitudes to contact and whilst I am very pro keeping communication open if possible, there are equally lots of adoptive parents who aren't. So you may get an answer from them of no. Especially on the photo front, it's becoming much less common to sned phots now because of social networking and tracing etc. I would think it unlikely to get a no to a DNA test, but again it could happen, if they felt she should do that herself as an adult if she wanted

As to the legal fees and court thing you've been quoted (20K) you really wouldn't be going to court. SS do not need court permission to ask her parents, and if they agree to send you anything, again it does not involve courts or legal fees or anything like that. The only thing that would require court is if her parents refused to send anything, and you wanted to force them to do so (requires a court order). I do doubt you could ever hope to win that, and I would strongly advise not going down that route.

You may now have to seriously push SS to do their job. They really should approach her parents , and don't be fobbed off by court threats. You may want to seek legal advice now as Devora said, about getting SS to contact parents. They probably are going to need serious pushing, and if you understand the law and what should happen, you are much more likely to get them to do their job

Thankyou for all of your replies. When the BM told us that he had a daughter she did state that the father was unknown as she didnt want him contacted by SS because he would have taken her in at the first given chance. I think this plus the mental health issues were her reasons in not naming him.... But then who knows? I think i am really going to have to push SS to get any sort of resopnse as everything we have tried in previous years has failed.

Lilka... The girl would be coming up for 8yrs old this year and as far as the photo he would be happy with a baby one at least it would be something, that way i hope there would be no worries of tracing etc.

I will keep you informed about our dealings with SS when they come arround, and thankyou again ladies....

Now off to work for me! :(

I'm adopted and found my birth parents through Birth Link charity. I believe that in 2009 parents who gave up children for adoption were eligible to put their details on a national register so that if their children ever went looking for them they would be able to match them up. I contacted Birth Link & my birth mother had already joined the register so we were able to meet up. I'm sure the Birth Link charity would be able to offer you advise on what to do. Best of luck