First letterbox contact

[FamiliesShareGerms]

our first exchange of letters with DDs birth family is due next month. Any tips on what to expect, or what to include in our letter?

Also - how did you feel? I'm expecting it to be emotional for us, though DD is too young (not yet 2) to understand the whole letter box stuff. Our 6 year old DS will need help to understand it all, I think.

Thanks

This was massive for me. I took loads of photos... the sort I would want to see if I was somehow separated from my children. I put a lot of thought into how much information I should give... happy and settled, but not rubbing it in that we were fabulous parents as opposed to them.

Turns out, they were only interested in their thoughts... no reference was ever made to the achievements of our children. After a time, Mum vanished and Dad went to prison... I called it a day.

Sad thing is... I wanted to share with someone who really loved them.

I write letters to DD2 and DS mum. It can be very emotional, I think it's absolutely fine to be upset, angry, confused, anxious, hopeful or whatever else you feel like

I send photos, handprints and drawings (handprints and drawings are a lovely alternative to photos if you don't want to send photos/have a security issue etc)

I would not expect anything. The very first exchange was by far the hardest for me, and probably will be very hard for BP's as well. They may well not feel emotionally able to send anything back. I doubt they'll recieve support in writing their letters sadly. So I would not expect a reply, but if you do get one, don't expect a huge amount from it. Certainly DD2 and DS mum's replies have got longer and more involved as the years went on, and I'm sure a mother on this forum said the same thing, that she didn't send any letters to her childs a-family the first few years but then started later.

Include whatever you like. Interests, her favourites (food etc), her height/weight, what she likes doing etc

We write our a bit like those " round robin" letters you get at Christmas.
We keep it very factual and don't dwell on the negatives.
I found it a lot easier to write when the girls were younger, it seems to be more difficult the older they get.

We do letterbox contact once a year.I send some photos and a letter about what ds who is now 4 is up to,what are his interests and a little bit about his personality.
His birth mum only sends him birthday cards.She has never sent him a letter but i keep all her cards in a box for him (after he has seen them) for when he is older.

Thanks for all the responses. Now all we need is for SS to pull their finger out and send us all the stuff they promised about appropriate content etc...!

I wouldn't hold out too much hope on that front FSG. In my experience, if it's not an absolute emergency, it doesn't happen, so you might not get anything

DD2's mum sends birthday cards every year for her (DS too but different time). She sends them to SS well in advance, but how many times do they then get to me before her birthday?? Not many. I got a call at the end of Feb this year telling me that SS have recieved the letters/cards/photos from mum. But did they send them in time for DD's birthday, about three weeks later? - no they didn't. I'm not happy, it's not fair on DD. I'll be phoning AGAIN tomorrow to complain

I know families (not me luckily) who waited years for their kids own life story book to be sent. After about 2-4 years they gave up and made one themselves minus the photos etc they should have been given

I've finally got the necessary info from SS, but there were two things in there that have taken me back a little. Can I get your thoughts?

1. apparently we are to send a birthday card to DD's half sister (she is older and in long term foster care; she did see DD regularly before she came to us). This isn't something that we've discussed - we are doing six monthly letters - but is it something that others do? Perhaps I would feel differently if the half sister was also sending DD a card, rather than it being a one way street? Or when DD is old enough to decide for herself whether to send one rather than us?

2. all the paper work we have received still refers to DD by her birth name, except for one para that acknowledges that her surname has changed. It asks that when we contact SS we quote her birth name. As far as we are concerned, no one of that name now exists, she shares the family surname and that's that. This is probably particularly sensitive because we have an elder birth son who is very keen on labels and everything being proper. We want to tell them that we will not be using her birth name anymore, and they need to update their system to reference her new name. As they say on other bits of Mumsnet, AIBU?

Thanks!

Gosh you would think a chat from a social worker wouldn't go amiss re their info even if brief phone call. I totally understand the annoyance re birth name being used rather than adoptive - their filing system?! Honestly though...
As for card for her half sister.. are you concerned this could lead to more? Are they ever going to have contact while your dd a child? Is that the 'plan'?
Sorry if I am completely 'off track' here. I have no experience though can see this is an awkward situation.
Good luck with it all.

On point one, I would be inclined to send a card, it will be a nice thing for both of them.

On point two, I think you have every right to ask that they update your DD's name. However, they might be doing things this way so that there's no chance of your DD's new name being put on any correspondence to her birth parents. Could you speak to the letterbox coordinator and ask if there is any reason that they have asked this?

Thanks for the quick responses!

Sunflowers - there are no plans for DD to see her half sister at the moment. I think it's complicated by the fact that the half sister still has regular contact with their birth mother, and no one wants her to be in a position where she could be pumped for info. If the situation changes with the half sister's care order, we have said in principle we are open to contact in the future.

Shockers - good point. Especially given how rubbish their admin is in general... I will ask if this is the issue. But surely they could just refer to her by her first name in correspondence with all parties and use her adoptive surname on their files..? As usual, it shouldn't be this hard!!

Should I ask that the half sister send DD a card so that it is a reciprocal gesture rather than one way?

I think that would be a great idea!

I would also be inclined to send a card, and to ask for it to be reciprocal, so hopefully your DD will have more of a sense of who her sister is. Can't help thinking it might be a bit confusing to her later if she is sending something, but getting nothing back. Do you have any pictures of sister to show DD?

I would ask SS about the name issue - my childrens files have both their former names and their names on, so as not to lose any documentation which had only one name on it. Letters to me have their names on, not former names though. It might be a security thing, but it might not be, so definitely ask

I'm afraid I think this sounds like SS not being on the ball.

I would definitely NOT expect to just receive info in the post telling me that I had to do some form of contact, albeit 'just' a card, with my DCs birth family. We do a variety of different contact arrangements for our 2 DCs but all have been discussed in detail in advance, and sometimes we have negotiated. You are the only ones who can 100% say they have your DDs best interests at heart. Sometimes I have found that SS agree to things just because the birth family have asked. You need to chat it through and feel comfortable with why you would do it and how it may progress over the years.

And on the 2nd point, all I can say is in our contact letters we refer to DD by her first name and DOB. This is unique enough that admin shouldn't muck up, but gets round the need to use any surname.

Good luck

Thanks again for the comments. I've gone back to SS and am awaiting a response...