Female staff as university wives

[MargaretVivienne]

Does anyone else feel like they're just doing the university's equivalent of Wifework?

Doing a disproportionate amount of the "childcare" (children being both students and colleagues)

Responsible for most of the "housework" (keeping labs safe & tidy)

Carrying the mental load involved in reminding colleagues of deadlines & changes to regs etc, apologising to professional services on behalf of the colleagues who've messed them around, chasing for completion of peer observation, moderation etc.

I've just realised that I've sleep-walked into something I never wanted, & I genuinely think I've fucked my career.

It's like I've suddenly woken up & everything I used to see as an achievement (pretty much all teaching-related, like great student feedback) just feels a bit hollow.

I don't know how to push back, and I think it's too late to salvage my career anyway. I'm in a very male dominated STEM field, which is probably relevant.

Absolutely, but I think it is often more difficult for women to be assertive like that, often for reasons having to do with upbringing. In my case, it was not until I started therapy that I started really undoing decades of conditioning, which is sometimes very insidious.
Something that really helped was thinking about what the consequences would be of saying no. Getting reported to HR? In my department we had someone (not academic) who spent years failing to turn up to their job for days at a time, was working on something else in their contracted hours, etc. - and HR's strategy was to "offer support" and work with them to change their work description, nothing punitive at all - so in this context what could HR do to me, exactly, when they are so lenient elsewhere? HoD taking revenge by piling up even more work on me? I would simply say no again, and in any case what was causing work to be piled up on me was constantly saying yes! Colleagues disliking me? I am resigned to that, and at some point (in the context of a small department who prides itself on being oh so collegial) I seriously considered whether they would take it to bullying me but then I realised they are too disorganised for that. (Of course I do appreciate that every context is different and some people might face consequences for saying no).

The uselessness of HR really resonates. I've worked in more than one university where someone consistently failed to turn up, with zero consequences. This does suggest that it's not the fear of getting into trouble that makes me say yes to stuff 😂

Control freakery was definitely an issue in the past, but I do manage that better these days (& therapy was also helpful for me with that)

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. It's really helpful.