Should I keep my wash and blowdry appointment or cancel

[Crocja]

A few weeks ago, my partner was talking about a function for next weekend. I booked with my hairdresser for a wash and blowdry. I have since learned the function is cancelled. I cancelled the hotel but I decided that I would keep my hairdressers appointment for a wash and blow dry. That's next weekend. No issues there as such.

However there are some issues now emerging. My mother is aging. A few weeks ago she went to town independently but then she got sick. Since then she has been apprehensive to go to town on her own. She now wants me to go with her any time she goes to town or any time I go to town, she wants to tag along. I assister her with town a few weeks ago. We went in on a Sunday and it the day just turned into a nightmare for me. It was just more evidence of a cognitive decline that I see regularly but nothing diagnosed. She wanted to leave far too early for the bus which rushed me and there was no need to go so early. Like, she wanted to leave 50 minutes before the bus arrival when it's a 15 minute walk to the bus stop. In town, I helped her with going for lunch. She doesn't usually stop for lunch and I think it was just out of her usual normal routine and she wanted my assistance to help her. She was so fussy when it came to foods and only wanted something very simple like bread or a scone with butter and tea. It was so hard to accommodate such simple tastes. It was actually like having a toddler with me. Then when we were walking to the bus stop to go home, she saw a bus with our destination driving out from the station and she panicked and tried to stop it. It was clearly out of service and driver was beckoning her - 'NO' and all she had to do was just walk to our bus stop a few yards away. On the bus home, she put on sunglasses, even though it was evening time and the sun was not bright. She just looked like a blind person and there's nothing wrong with being blind by the way.

All in all it was so stressful for me. Everything about it. At the time, I had a craving for sushi too for weeks and I had to neglect that craving to accommodate her simple food requirements. I have a bowel condition myself but I am not that fussy regarding foods and simple foods.

The other day she was yapping to me and she announced she wants to go to town next Saturday. She didn't talk it consult with me and she just expects me to be available to assist her. With no consultation or talking to me. I was available but I knew from experience not to tell her too far in advance in case anything changes.

But now my work wants me to work on Saturday afternoon and night and into Sunday. This is in exchange for giving me today off. I was happy with this. I still have my hair appointment for next Saturday morning. The issue is now, it's going to be no fun. It's not going to be relaxing at all. If it was me a Singleton, I would be able to go into town in the morning and then make it to work after that. However, my mother has a notion of going to town. She knows that I am working now for the weekend and she is disappointed about town. The issue is if I even take an hour or two next Saturday to go to town in the morning, which is doable before I go to work, my mother might like to come with me anyways. This is where it will be problematic. I am likely going to get delayed. There's no reasoning with her when she decides something. Even if I was to try and explain to her that I won't be rushing and I am only going to town for an hour and I will be back again, she will likely take a notion to take that inch but then take a mile so to speak. Does that make sense. She's like a toddler. I can't say no to her. She argues and her arguments sometimes can be childish and nonsense and obtuse.

I suggested that we go to town today but my mother refused to go today.

My work and town are in town opposite directions so I can't say I am going to work and then go into town and then go to work. There is potential of being caught going to work later on after town. I know all of this is confusing.

Basically now I don't know what to do. If I should continue with my hair appointment or cancel. Next Saturday will be no fun. I like my hairdresser and I like my hair appointments and he gives a nice small head massage but it won't be relaxing. I usually feel uplifted after he works on my hair but I am thinking what's the point when I have to go to work after that and there's potential for drama from my mother. So will I keep it or cancel it?

But you're not free on Saturday you have a hair appointment then you are working. I don't understand the angst, just tell her that

You have plans and aren’t free, you are making this a much bigger decision than it is. You are busy…

You have an appointment just tell her you are busy,

I don't understand your previous experiences of taking her to town. She didn't want lunch but wanted a scone i don't know wjy you found that stressful, if you are taking her into town again just do the shops she needs and come home is probably best going forward.

My mum sounds the same as yours tbh she hates anything out of her "routine" won't even stop for a cup of coffee in town has to be her way,

if i am with her then I time the buses to how long she will take, and if she wants to go to the bus stop earlier, then thats on her she needs to wait, she is also in denial about her cognitive decline so It is difficult, but me and siblings try and keep things as close to her usual routine as possible, maybe try this with your mum but definitely keep your appointment.

I think I've probably not explained the situation very well.

The issue isn't that I don't have a reason to be busy. I have my hair appointment and work afterwards, so technically I am unavailable.

The difficulty is that my mother has become increasingly reluctant to go into town independently and now expects me to accompany her whenever she wants to go. If I mention that I'm going into town myself, there's a strong possibility she'll want to come too. What might be a quick trip for me can turn into a much longer outing because she doesn't necessarily stick to the original plan or understand that I have a time limit.

The previous trip was stressful for several reasons. Regarding lunch, it wasn't simply that she wanted a scone. She was very particular about what she would eat, and finding somewhere that could provide something as basic as a standalone piece of bread was surprisingly difficult. Several coffee shops had closed early, while other places had menus that didn't suit what she wanted. I was trying to accommodate her while also having my own preferences and plans.

There were other incidents during the trip that added to the stress, including her wanting to leave excessively early and becoming confused and panicked when she saw an out-of-service bus.
So I'm not really asking whether I have an excuse to be busy. I'm trying to work out how to manage a situation where a relatively simple trip into town can become unpredictable and stressful, particularly when I have work afterwards.

Just don’t tell her in advance you are going into town, simple

As the PP says, just don't mention it to your mum! Do you normally tie yourself in knots like this? You are allowed to say no to your mum, you know...

Ah OP, sounds like you're in the trenches and overwhelmed.

You are simply not available to see to her going out needs Saturday. You say she's like a toddler, well toddlers have to get told no in occasion and they have the tantrum. Then they get over it.

Tell her you can't do it Saturday and it'll have to be another day instead. You need to start saying no to things before you sink.

And maybe it's time for a gp visit for her increasing issues.

I probably wouldn't tell her where you are going, dont mention hair appointments or nipping to town,
pre arrange if she needs/wants to go out then you are mentally prepared and have time to spare and you are not watching your time, again don't offer lunch cups of tea/scone if she wants or maybe if it is early enough go for breakfast where she can have a bit of toast, keep your time in town short if you can.

Thank you so much for your very clever ideas and I love the ideas of a breakfast with toast and she can have the toast. I never would have thought of that.

You can't do next Saturday as you have an appointment and work - end of.

Do you live with her? If not, just don't tell her you're going into town. If she'd normally get food shopping in town, then obviously it's good to make sure she has supplies - in which case, tell her you'll pick up some items one day after work, and drop them off the next day (at that point you could give her some of your time, ie going for a walk, having a coffee with her) - if she's a pain in town, then that will probably the case if you go food shopping together. Mine is a pain re: food. She'll say she can't eat anything off a menu (fair enough she had diabetes) and then she'll happily go to another cafe that does the same menu.

I live with her so she knows my movements most of the time.
I do online groceries for us both. I also help with pharmacy orders. She doesn't have diabetes.

You can say no to her, she just doesn’t like it when you do.

I think you just say you can't do Sat as you have an appointment. Just tell her you are going to work.

Restrict trips into town with her to times when you are not so constrained, agree a short plan with her in advance, and keep the whole visit short. You might find it easier to do "your" trips by yourself so you can just concentrate on doing "her" things when you take her out. Work towards building little routines - find a favourite coffee shop and go there, build in a library visit or whatever. You sound really overwhelmed. Break the elephant down into bite sized pieces.

I know you say she will want to come with you every time but I would push back on this. No not this time, you're coming with me on Saturday. Even invent meeting someone if you have to, but ideally not.

That is probably harder to just not say, you could just i am working after the hairdressers mum, do you want anything while I am out, ultimately you will just need to be a bit assertive.

It's kinda very similar to saying 'no' to a toddler but it's not the same. You can expect a tantrum from a toddler and you could likely be successful at redirecting them so they don't continue a meltdown. It's not the same with a senior person. There reaction can be more intense and prolonged and you can't show them a favourite toy or cartoon.

I had someone explain to me recently about dementia and for some people with dementia a part of the brain remains very active and that part of the brain is responsible for negativity. It's hard to explain. For example I was showing her pictures from family that live abroad yesterday of their Halloween and it should have been joyous and happy seeing their Halloween and costumes. All she could do was revert to negativity about local children being lazy.

It's just not the same type of no. I have to say no in direct ways but just not say no.

The battlr I was facing was if there was even a hint of me going to town on Saturday morning she would likely want to come and there was going to be no reasoning with her.

I am just after cancelling my appointment becsuse I think it's just going to be easier. It's just not going to work well. My mother will likely want to tag along even if it's just for an hour or two and then there's a possiblity she could delay me coming out and it's just going to be so stressful.

Why can’t you just say you start work earlier and pretend to go to work?

You sound exhausted @Crocja do you have other support to help out ? I guess if you live in the same house you get no real break.

You have to learn to say no OP 💐💐💐

Let her tantrum! She's holding you to ransom here. My mother lives with me. Well, us, because i have a DH and kids. I don't like her. We get by together but she's always been manipulative and selfish. As she's getting older she's becoming worse.

Shes lived with us for 10 years and it's not been plain sailing and if i had my time again i'd not do it. Anyway ... One issue at the beginning was her always asking me where i was going if she caught me leaving the house. (should point out that the house is big enough for her to have separate rooms to us completely.) It really wound me up. I found it intrusive and a step too far. In the end one day I had to say ''Please can you stop asking me where i'm going. I'm an adult and you've spent the last 25 years not knowing my daily movements so you don't need to know now.''

She tried to say she DID need to know in case she 'needed me'. I told her that i had my mobile on me all the time (just as before she lived with us!) and if she had a medical emergency ring an ambulance! Knowing where i was wasn't going to help.

I had to be firm because my mother, like yours by the sound of it, tries all sorts to get her way and relies on you being too polite to push back. There's a big backstory.

Strength OP! 💐

Im just editing this to add that at the time some times i was going out attending medical appointments which i did not want her to know about. I found it stressful and ridiculous lying. Plus just wanted to be able to leave the house at 40 something without telling my mother my business!