Realising how small my life is getting

[FusionChefGeoff]

I’m very low and have been for a while now - there’s the odd day or even week where I’m OK but then the gloom returns and it has again today. I’m late forties and on HRT for a few years now at 4 pumps so don’t think I can go up on that.

I run a small marketing agency which is doing very badly so I don’t have much client work on.

Kids are 14 and 12 so need me lots but mainly as taxi / chef / facilitator rather than wanting to do things as a family anymore.

DH is a bit useless generally - he does take on a lot of sports stuff for DS but DD also does a lot so my Sundays are usually spent driving and watching her. He does nothing to improve / drive our life forward. He’s OK at bare maintenance eg washing up / laundry but I book every holiday / outing / home improvement and also do all the longer term maintenance eg gardening / deep cleaning appliances / cleaning the cars / sort out kids clothes etc. I do all food shopping / planning / cooking / managing fridge leftovers / cupboards etc

Realised today how much work it is trying to keep 3 people’s lives on track and how my own life has shrunk to make space for everyone else. I don’t plan anything for me as I can’t give it any brain space as I’m too decision / action fatigued from the rest of the lives I’m running.

When school is on, I manage gym after drop off 3 times a week and sometimes I get out for a run with a friend. I sometimes crochet in front of the telly. I used to go to yoga but the stress of getting out the door for a set time wasn’t worth it.

I feel like I can’t control how shit DH is; that’s just him and I’m a fool to expect him to suddenly be a dynamic go getter who makes loads of plans and gets shit done. I can’t control how much time and brain the kids and house and life takes up. The only thing I can control is emptying my own life to find some slack.

Tonight I am bored shitless watching Strictly on my own - DD is out with her friend and boys have gone to watch rugby.

Can you give me a kick up the arse to make sure the end of 2026 is more positive for me??? Or should I see the GP and try some anti depressants??

I feel for you. There's a lot going on at this time of life, even though it feels so dull. All that ferrying of teens, HRT, work often slowing down, partners too.

DH and I had to make an effort. We agreed to take turns to plan a date once every two weeks. Sometimes a surprise, sometimes something we discussed. If your DH needs prompting, as mine did - you might start by looking at what's on locally - cinema, gigs, comedy, theatre, concerts, sports etc and ask him to organise buying tickets and arranging for someone to look after your younger DC.

Find something to do as a family once a week - a film night with homemade pizza and popcorn, or a games night with tacos. And maybe once a month do something as a family a bit more adventurous. We live near London and used ot take DC in once a month to spend an hour - no more - in a museum or gallery, then mooch around the shops they loved, like the manga comic shops in Soho or guitar shops on Denmark Street, then go for cheap Chinese or Japanese food.

Do you have a bucket list? I found it helped to make a list of all the things I've ever wanted to do and not yet done. Some were really small or free. They don't all have to be ziplining in Costa Rica. I just started trying to do one a week - including planning for some of the bigger ones. Once you start doing them, you get energy and confidence from it. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy?

A bucket list sounds like a pro-active idea! And thank you for your empathy, I’m so lonely it feels lovely to have someone acknowledge how I feel.

Love these ideas @HorseandHeron what a thoughtful and detailed response.

I was also going to suggest some lists.

Perhaps a few lists.

An indoor list and you could add yoga to it

Another list with things you may like to do such as a show with a friend or whatever.

Is there anything you do for your DH you could ditch such as doing his laundry and you try and make yourself do something for yourself in that time?

It’s good you do the gym and your crocheting.
Does your gym smudge classes if so would you like to carve some time and go to one?

I think start small at first.

I was thinking this today, but I don’t have children

So it’s different

I went out for lunch with friends today and I actually found it quite tiring and now in a weird mood

I think my life has got very small, but I think it’s good for me. I was enjoying it. So I’m quite confused. Do I need to make it more again or not?

Which sounds like it’s different to what you’ve got going on…. You feel like you haven’t got time to make more?

it’s a funny time of year, actually been really productive this week considering the time change and the early dark but I think it caught up with me today

also, somebody was showing me some travel pictures, it’s just so expensive though, I have made peace with not being able to afford it for awhile but maybe I’m not that peaceful I don’t know

Sounds much like my life!
No real answers, but I exercise a lot (running with a friend or two). Lots of chatting whilst still getting fit. I have to be out of the house a lot or I get bored and mildly depressed. I need to have something planned, I find that really helps. It’s usually an organised run or something but it’s something to work towards and make plans. Pub lunch once a week. Drinks in the micro brewery once a week, maybe a pub quiz.

I always used to laugh when I read NHS guidance…no matter what the problem, it always seemed to say go outside, exercise and meet people! But it says that because it’s true!
I can be guilty of being a bit of a martyr, always having to be home to do chores or be there for the kids. But often I’d find myself just sitting and almost waiting to be ‘needed’. I really have to force myself not to be like that, but it’s hard to change a long habit. Good luck!

Oh my God @Heysham1that was exactly me today, just felt tethered to the house doing small jobs waiting for kids to need me.

I suppose I also identify with @Dreadingthedayas I am choosing this a lot of the time, I do feel drained so don’t have the energy to make the effort.

I also don’t drink so ‘miss out’ on those easy nights for a few drinks. Didn’t really make any school
gates friends mainly as we moved in Yr2 and then Covid took out Yr3-4 then they started walking themselves.

It’s helpful to hear that I am not alone - just everything feels so mundane and conventional now. A bit of me wishes that I’d made bolder / different choices in life so that my existence was inherently more exciting and full rather than having to make such an effort to add things onto a very bland base line!

My FBBL ‘former bland base line’ friend is almost 60 and planning a year travelling around the world.

@HappyViewer I wouldn’t do it for a year but I did say today the next time I get on a plane it has to be worth it…. So it would have to be when I can go for at least a month or something. Fitting it into what you can in annual leave just doesn’t work.

@FusionChefGeoff I’m actually pretty energetic but I suppose everyone’s got to choose what they do with it. Today I was out with the sorts of people who do everything, like running half marathons and going to see all the shows and… yeah it was just a bit full on it made me feel really boring!

must be a life stage, I can do all of those things but I’m just not in the mood, not in a bad way just enjoying things being quieter …summer was very busy so maybe that’s why.

You are definitely not alone. My kids are a bit older but as soon as i realised I could happily leave the younger with the older I decided to fuck off. This year I have been away with friends travelling 3 times and have completely redirected my career, deciding to do something I have always loved. Kids don’t need me so much and my husband can hold the house while I’m away and is perfectly capable of doing so. It’s been the best year for me in so many ways. Super selfish I know but it’s about time. I’m planning more for next year, longer trips and adventures.

You don't need a kick up the arse, it's basically a slog bringing up children and working, just no one tells you beforehand! I'm through the other end as my daughter is off to uni after years of solo parenting and feeling like you do. My quality of life and enjoyment coming back now I have more free time and money.

So just try and find small pockets of time for yourself on nice things I would say, and treat yourself if you can for now. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job and you deserve lots of credit for that.

Wow I could have written this. Just turned 50 and have a 13/10 yr old and a husband who lacks get up and go. I used to be so social, run marathons, travel etc. I’ve massively cut back on drinking which makes me feel better but makes me feel a bit flat as well as going out drinking was a big part of my social life.
my job is pretty demanding and I don’t have the energy or motivation to change things up. Also on hrt but can’t change dose. Was thinking perhaps I need anti depressants but don’t want to go down that route. I absolutely don’t have an issue with anti depressants but I think this feeling is circumstantial and I’d be papering over the cracks. The last few years have been a bit rough with some deaths and family illnesses and I feel like I’m ok high alert for the next thing, but want to somehow enjoy this period of calm.

things that are helping - I’ve written a 60 before 60 list of things I want to try and working my way through it slowly, I am forcing myself to stay in touch with friends and accept invites/make plans and to exercise. I just feel so boring and isolated and a bit sad about everything.

Others have given you good ideas, so I just wanted to say that it's partly the parenting stage that you're at, especially if you have sporty children with lots of practices, mine were the same.

I encouraged them both to learn to drive and that transformed my life tbh! We also created a family Uber account that they sometimes used late at night. Now they're 21 and 18 and the ferrying is well and truly over, DS sometimes picks me up from work instead. 😁

I have a couple of hobbies I do. I go to a choir on Monday evenings and volunteer as a brownie leader on Fridays. I also help out at my slimming world group so I feel busier and like I’m doing g something meaningful. I was feeling a bit flat in the summer and wonder if it is because two of those weren’t on. Although I also started on the hrt

I was on a (in theory) max dose of HRT & had been for a couple of years - all fine. Then I started not being. So flat, I'd totally lost myself & my mojo and was just going through the motions. I tried to come off my anxiety meds, but couldn't. I also had serious trouble at work.

I had a HRT etc review and it was suggested that I needed to up my HRT and OMG I have never looked back. Completely got myself and my life back. Was able to stop my other meds. Changed my job for the better.

Your life is similar to mine. My H does the bare minimum, he does weekly shop ( I do top up shops in the week) , the washing up and takes the bins out. And cooks meals for one child ( who eats meat, I don’t) whilst I cook
for the other child who mainly chooses vegetables food. That is the sum total of what he does and he thinks it is LOADS. We have two kids and I have to do the thinking and organizing for all four of us. Like you I organise all of the birthdays. Christmas, days out, occasion days ( like Halloween), holidays etc, kids activities. I also work full time and am the main earner for the family. H and kids each have their own additional needs that I have to do all the research about and arrange all the support/ medical appts/ attend all the ‘support sessions. It’s exhausting. What corrodes me most is the complete lack of recognition or gratitude for this from H.

I do however, do three things I like each week. One class, one social meetup ( that I really like as the people who go are completely separate from the rest of my life!) and one just chatting to other mums I like whilst one child is at an activity. I recommend something like this in your life.

Like you, I do feel very lonely and most of that is being in a lonely marriage with I man to whom I am invisible and who refuses to recognize what I do for them all, let alone say thanks.

I also wish I had made different choices, mainly in who I married. I am dreading kids becoming independent of me and that’s probably only a few years away.

No advice I’m afraid. But I feel very similar even though my life is different. I’m in my 50s no longer able to work, just have DP and adult DC and my pets. That’s it. I do lots of hobbies at home.

the one suggestion I do have is try the WI. My local one wasn’t for me at all so you have to find one that’s right. there are virtual ones as well.

Thank you so much everyone this is really helpful. I am very lucky in that there’s no illness or hardship or real difficulties in my life so I do need to be grateful for the calm and predictability of it - currently the most likely alternative would be illness in the family or issues with the kids and I would DEFINITELY choose mundane banality over that.

Ive been looking up adult dance / musical theatre classes since you’ve all posted so hopefully I can keep that momentum going.

Id also like to be a hiker / walker - might start small as suggested and look for a local walk I can do next weekend. With a view to booking a weekend in the Peak District when the weather picks up.

Im also going to message some local friends to see if I can puff on the embers of proper friendship there and will make an effort to contact some
old friends to see if they can meet up even if it’s in 2027!

Pizza and popcorn just no 🙂‍↔️

>should I see the GP and try some anti depressants??

Depression sucks but I'd say try and get therapy ie a talking cure before you go for pills.

Also, you might be depressed but I think crucial first step is to get your DP you pull his bloody weight!!

@FusionChefGeoff Great ideas.

I started doing the 10K steps a goal last year and although it can be hard to achieve it sometimes, I think the long walks/fresh air do make a difference. I usually need to get steps in the evening, so I pop in Airpods and listen to a podcast/audio book while striding along. If your children have their practices at a park, for example, you could walk around there while waiting for them (as long as it's not too isolated, of course). We're in a city so people are always around.

They're old enough to be home alone for a while too so you can walk near your home.