Would you recommend couple’s therapy?

[user2466]

Hi,

My partner and I are discussing couples therapy due to on going issues in our relationship. He’s got ADHD and autism and during a conversation he seems to get defensive, misunderstand me and think I’m just arguing with him which leads to the original issues always being swept under the carpet.

I want to hear peoples experiences with couple’s therapy to see if it’s something with trying.

What issues made you go to couples’s therapy? Where are you now in terms of your relationship - did it help? Is there a point where it’s too late and even that might not work?

thanks

Bump

Yes but do make sure the therapist is properly qualified to offer counselling to couples and has training in neurodivergence, otherwise it could do more harm than good.

I actually decided against couples' therapy precisely because exDP is autistic. Part of me wanted to go because I just wanted to be validated: so many of the things we kept 'bumping in to' were on him, I felt. The defensiveness and misunderstandings you mention -snap. The absence of meaningful 'repair' and things just being swept under the carpet -yup. I realised that much of that was down to his information and language processing differences and very different perception of our issues due to his autism, so felt it would be pointless at best, and, at worst, just gratifying my "See, it's all him!"-need and making him feel really rubbish about himself. So I just cut my losses (eventually, after trying a bit longer than I probably should have).
If you go ahead, make sure you seek out a therapist who is ADHD/Autism informed, and has experience of working with ND/NT couples. It definitely won't work otherwise.

It's worthwhile but you both need to be open to it and willing to fully participate. If you DH is naturally very defensive he may struggle unless he realises at the outset that the therapist is not there to judge or decide who is right. You'd need to clearly state to the therapist what you've put in your post, right at the start. So that they can understand the dynamic between you and work with it. From my experience all therapy is worthwhile unless the client doesn't understand what the process is about.

@ACommonTreasuryForAll thanks for sharing. If you don’t mind me asking did you end up going your own ways because of the issues you mentioned in your OP?

I think some people end up surprised when the therapist thinks the issues arent the fault or responsibility of just one individual and both need to make changes for the relationship to be healthy. That person often wants to stop therapy when they find out it won't just be scolding their partner.

We have separated, although as we have children together (also autistic) we are still amicable and in frequent contact, with endless opportunities to squabble and misunderstand each other.

When we met, we were both quite involved in various therapeutic, personal growth practices which was a bit of a red herring for me. He later told me his interest was not really about his own development, but about learning how other people think and feel: a kind of case study to make sense of other people's hearts and minds.

@ACommonTreasuryForAll thank you for sharing your experience

Yes, but in my experience it’s better to find someone who helps calm the nervous system and build connection between the couple. Our therapist taught us how to connect better - using eye contact, and also how to properly listen to each other.
this therapist https://www.berelational.co.uk/therapy
I have adhd. It really really helped up a lot. But it can be hard work and you have to really be willing to be vulnerable and often the issue isn’t resolved per say but the connection is built and the couple want to continue to be together and the issue doesn’t matter in the same way anymore.

Not couples counselling but a specialist in systemic therapy. That is a different approach to couples counselling and explores how you interact and understand each other. Very important with neurodivergence.