Christmas blended fam woe

[Knotterbot]

Husband’s ex has told us we’re not getting SD10 this year. Years in and out of mediation/court etc and he’s lost any fight. She’s suggested we stop alternating and SD decides annually which sounds horrendous for SD and impractical around wider family arrangements.

I suspect we will end up conceding Christmas to save SD the stress as apparently her mum is very happy to hold an emotional gun to her head and hope we blink first.

So gutted for my DDs, DH and SD herself.

I know it’s almost unthinkable but honestly if this woman is determined to keep her daughter away from her father at all costs then why not just let her get on with it

I have read some horrendous stories on here over the years and I honestly can’t see that it was worth it given the damages caused to the child, the step mother and the father!

I think that’s where we are. We do get her for extended random weeks when she has training placements so oddly we do often get more contact than normal through the year but rarely any of the special occasions. Frustratingly we sometimes get time around holidays etc withdrawn after (gladly, obv) agreeing to have her during term time to facilitate this. Goal posts just always shifting.

I cannot explain to my younger daughters again that she’s not coming to their party etc at the last minute, it’s gutting. DH threw up after she emailed today.

Love isn’t expressed only on high days and holidays. Before long, she will 100% understand her dad saying “we would have you here all day every day if we could, but we want you to be wherever you want to be and you mustn’t feel any guilt towards either parent for your choice. It’s your Christmas and we will support you whatever choice you make.” Children don’t necessarily remember each Christmas; they remember random times of years and events for how they felt at that time. She will never forget her dad never making life hard for her.

She said she doesn’t mind where she goes but doesn’t want choose. It’s frustrating her mum sees that as some sort of open goal not the words of a conflicted and distressed child.

This all sounds absolutely awful for everyone and for this reason, if my partner ever died or we separated I would NEVER get into a blended family situation….. so many issues both on MN and IRL I couldn’t think of anything worse.

Ok great I’ll stop

@canklesmctacotits that was beautifully written. I think similar could be said to the OP’s two dds - “we would have sd here every day if we could, but we don’t want her to feel guilty about making a choice to be with her mum, nor if her mum insists that she has to stay there. We love her wherever she is.”

And then I think you make a virtue of a necessity.

Can’t do Christmas together? All of a sudden you’re big fans of International Kite Day on January 14th. Too windy to fly kites? No problem let’s bank the celebration and max out instead on Chinese New Year.

Easter got cancelled? Guess what now you’re wild about celebrating St George’s Day.

It could be a lot of fun finding ways to celebrate wild and unusual festivals from around the globe!

worth a try?

How on earth is that helpful? Seriously? How?

Well, her mum’s not the point here. The point is that the child doesn’t want to choose. You can’t control what the mum does but you can say “well you can toss a coin!”, “how about one year here and one year there?”, “do you want me to speak to your mum for you?”. Whether the mum is difficult or not doesn’t help solve the problem.

Would this woman's behaviour count as emotional abuse of a child? Your post suggests she's been awful, so I'm not saying share everything on here, but maybe seek legal advice about reporting her if she is potentially dangerous to the girl.

I know they’ve been in and out of court and mediation and frustratingly always stopped short of a child arrangements order, usually as mum pulls it together in the run up and is very accommodating. It’s been three years since our last trip to court, I had thought it was going so smoothly and maybe we were past all this

Yes I know- we’ve told her ‘sounds like you don’t want to choose’ ‘we’ll have a wonderful time whenever we’re together’ ‘it’s not about one day- I can’t even remember which years you were here on the day or after as we always have fun’ etc etc

just wanted to vent. And I’m frustrated with DH, I wish he was more bullish with her but I do also see he’s desperate not to escalate. So came here to share!

And it’s true. We do always have fun. Just feels so late in the day to shift the goal posts- I’ve bought half her stocking and changed arrangements with where my mum will be so she can see all the kids- my siblings will be inconvenienced and it feel embarrassing on some level

It’s out of your control. She’s not your child. Things happen. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed.

It’s not in your control. Part of your blended family is not functioning well.