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Original poster

How do you cope when adult child is wrecking their life/possibly in danger?

5 replies

Lor63 · 27/10/2026 19:55

Drugs, sex work, walked out of a job they loved, suddenly moved out of home to live hundreds of miles away with people they met online just a few weeks before, taking hormones supplied by one of these people in order to transition with no blood tests or care to make sure they're OK and no clue if the hormones are even safe to take, in a relationship with three of these people... Just a few months ago they had a job they loved, a 3 year relationship, about to start a master's, were happy, loving and excited for their future. All gone.

I love them so much and am beside myself with worry but they're an adult and there's nothing I can do except tell them I love them and am always here. But I can't sleep, I've lost over a stone in a month because I can't eat, am off work sick because I'm so stressed and can't concentrate and GP has put me on antidepressants for the first time in my life. I'm just so scared for them. And I miss them and our relationship so much. We were so close until just this summer. Now they barely speak to me. They don't know that I know about the sex work and drugs but they themselves told me about their relationship and the hormones.

I know it's natural for kids to leave home and live their own lives and I promise I would be delighted if they were doing this and thriving. I would be so happy. But their life is falling apart. They are clearly unhappy. I saw a photo of them on social media earlier and they look haunted, hollow eyed and ill. It broke my heart. How do you cope when there's nothing you can do but watch that happen? I just love them so much. What can I do when there's nothing I can do? How can I make my peace with it?

OP posts:
KimWexlersPonyTail · 27/10/2026 20:04

So sorry to hear this. It sounds like they are well and truly in the trans cult, and it is a cult. You could try this support group, not sure if its just for teens though

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Bayswater Support – For Parents with Trans-identified Kids

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

Original poster
Lor63 · 27/10/2026 20:08

KimWexlersPonyTail · 27/10/2026 20:04

So sorry to hear this. It sounds like they are well and truly in the trans cult, and it is a cult. You could try this support group, not sure if its just for teens though

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Thank you. I have been in touch with Bayswater but they told me my child is too old. I don't know where to turn.

I don't know if the trans thing is a symptom of what's happening or the cause. They had certainly never mentioned it before.

OP posts:
vitaminseal · 27/10/2026 20:26

OP, I don't know if you are the same person who posted a couple of weeks ago? If so, I saw your post but it disappeared before I got the chance to reply, and I have been thinking about you ever since.

If you are the same person, then I am glad to hear that your child is in touch with you.

My own child is going through a painful and tricky period including a lot of experimentation around gender and hormones. I really feel your pain. It is horrendous to see them putting themselves potentially in harm's way when you love them so much.

I am just going to pass on two bits of wisdom that I have picked up from others and am trying to cling to myself:

  1. From a friend whose child has struggled with gender identity and general mental well-being for many years throughout adolescence into young adulthood. It is absolutely valid and normal to feel worry, pain and grief, even when the grief is over tiny things (you named them after your grandmother and they've chosen to discard that name, for example). For the most part, these will be feelings that you will need to hide from your child to protect them and your relationship with them. Find people you can talk to about your feelings, preferably a therapist if you can.
  2. From a friend whose daughter left home to live with an awful man, who saw her child slowly deteriorate from the happy, bright girl that she had once been: keep the door open. Love your child even if you don't love their choices. Let them know ALWAYS that they can come home if and when they realise that this is not the life they wanted. Find any ways to reconnect (this will probably take time and patience, and is on their terms, which sucks, but it's the way it is).

Friend number 2's daughter did eventually find the strength to leave her abuser, came home bringing her child, had a lot of therapy and mental health support herself and is now living independently and happily again.

If you are the same person as before, what I wanted to say to you when I was drafting my response to your previous post was, you've parented and loved your child for many years. They know you love them. They are going through something which is about them, about their identity as an adult. ALL you can do is trust them, and trust that you have laid a foundation of love and sense in their life that will remain with them even when they seem to be rejecting you.

Either their new way of life will make them happy, in which case they might keep doing what they're doing now, but they'll be happy. Or it will not make them happy, in which case, hopefully they will turn back to you.

Wishing you strength to deal with this - it is HARD. And wishing very much that your child comes out the other side happy and safe, one way or another.

Please feel free to PM me any time.

mindutopia · 27/10/2026 22:52

I would take a loving, harm reduction approach. Please don’t make this a trans issue and come flying at them with all sorts of transphobic rhetoric. Taking some hormones are not going to kill them. But an overdose, or a serious infection, or violence might.

Let them know how much you love them and push off from there. Are they connected to sexual health services? Are they on PrEP to prevent HIV infection? Can you help connect them with some LGBTQ+ friendly drug and alcohol support? Do they have friends from home they still talk with and trust? If so, rally those friends to help you look out for them.

Make sure they know you a safe and supportive place to land if they decide they want to come home. This is all almost certainly coming from a place of deep trauma, things that have happened that you may not know anything about. Don’t come blaming and pointing fingers. They almost certainly hate themselves enough already and feel a lot of shame. Be a safe, loving place to come home to when they’re ready.

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