WWYD? DF having major operation

[HotSoupColdDay]

Looking for different perspectives, but please share gently as I’m in a bit of a worried state.

My dad is about to have a major, life saving operation. It comes with high risk of complications and a not insignificant risk of death. Without this operation, he has 9 months to live and there are no other treatments. He was diagnosed in the summer and it has been a very uncertain and worrying time. The operation is taking place almost four hours away from all of our homes. We are a close family and pretty involved with socialising together and helping each other out (I don’t know if this has any real bearing, I’m just trying to give a picture).

My sister has suggested that we should all be close by while the operation happens. She is a nurse on ML and will be travelling and staying in the city the operation is happening in. She is concerned something goes wrong and if it does, we should be there to see dad and be with our mum.

I am really unsure what to do. I work full time as a SEN teacher. Do people take time off work for this? I can’t imagine being at work while this major thing happens, I don’t know how I will cope or focus. On the other hand, I can’t imagine sitting around in a flat in the city, waiting for news. I suppose really, I can’t imagine this thing happening at all.

Please don’t think I’m looking for an excuse not to go to work, taking time off work is usually a significant hassle in terms of prepping for cover and dealing with issues on my return. I wish this wasn’t happening at all. I would just like to know, what other people think and what they’ve experienced?

With the distance I think it would be reasonable to take the time off work

That must all be pretty stressful and sorry you're going through it. I would recommend first checking if your workplace has a policy on special or emergency leave - I've civil service, and we have special leave at manager's discretion. It's for situations "when employees are faced with unforeseen or distressing events in their personal life or when managing domestic responsibilities alongside work." Looking at our policy I don't know if it would be covered - it talks more about when a partner or dependent is seriously ill or injured, rather than a parent. But it would be worth enquiring about. If special leave couldn't be authorised then we'd be expected to use regular leave if we wanted/needed to be off.

In this situation, open heart surgery, I took time off, drove them to the hospital, so DMum didn’t have to. Never regretted it. There complications and I was needed. Full, albeit delayed recovery happened

If I were you, I'd take the time off work and go and be with your mum - if the worst was to happen, she will need your support. It's a couple of days out of your life. I'd imagine if it were you having a risky operation, your parents would want to be there with you.

When my dad had major surgery (8 hours) I sat in the hospital with my mum to wait. It was a big relief to have the news delivered to us personally by the surgeon as soon as the operation was completed. My dad had been given another 3 years to live but the surgeon obviously did a great job as dad had 8 more years.

I would take time off work if possible, OP. But I'd tell work that if it makes things really difficult and they cannot get cover, then so be it, I would work.

I wish your family all the best.

It's a hard one. My FIL had a difficult but life saving operation during covid. It was in a hospital 3h from where my PIL and BIL lived and also 3h from us. Due to the pandemic no one could be at the hospital and it was hard. It also meant that no one could be physically there for my MIL.

I would try to be nearby but would also look at ways to stay occupied whilst there. I agree spending hours in a hotel room fretting is not good for anyone. I'd look to see if there was something you could do there. A walk in a country park or similar something that's half a distraction and you can easily step away from.

This is exactly the sort of thing you can get leave for, I once had a call at work saying my mum had fallen down the stairs. I went back to my desk and my manager and the CEO helped me pack up my things so that I could dash to the station to get to her. Most leave covers you +/- a generation so you, partner, your children and your parents.

We're all different. I was cery close to my Dad so would have gone.

As parents though, I wouldn't expect my child to come unless it was right for them. DH went into hospital three times in the winter, each time considering if he needed immediate transfer to specialist hospital within hours for an operation with life changing risks. We didn't know this would happen the first time, but the second and third times, DD went to work. She knew she would just walk if needed and her BF would have left walk and come with her.

If there are limits on your leave, I would suggest that just one of you needs to be there. You may be needed the week after so might need to take leave then as recovery can be unpredictable. I think you need to think this out a bit logically as well and how best to use your combined leave as a family.

When my DH had his Whipple surgery I would have loved someone to come and sit with me but that couldn't happen. His was high risk surgery and I had to wait at home as it was mid lockdown. DD is a specialist school teacher who lives a couple of hours away and formulated a plan B with her Head just in case the worst happened. Could your sister be nearby and you have a plan B so you can go if needed? It sounds like she could be there quickly if needed for emotional support for your mum.

I think I must be more pragmatic than most. I'm not the surgeon so whatever happens I can't control. Your sister is going to be there to support your mum and I can't imagine sitting for hours and hours waiting for an outcome just staring at 4 walls - I needed the distraction of work when my mum had an 8 hour surgery some years ago. Pacing the halls is just not my thing.

You will be more useful physically post-op when he goes home. Both for your mum and dad, can you get some trips planned for after the surgery? Your leave is tied to school so it would be very hard to get time off unless you were signed off, depends if your GP would be willing to support? Then you'll be off over Christmas, can you tag-team with your sister to cover?

I would suggest that it doesn't need all 4 siblings to be there, and definitely no relatives hanging around the hospital for however many hours. Imagine if every patient had people doing that? The hospital wouldn't cope.

DP needed major surgery a couple of years ago - it took all day. I couldn't do anything to influence the outcome, couldn't visit DP in hospital as I had been doing - I saw him 1st thing and then took baby DC out for the day. Even if I could have sat in the hospital all day he wouldn't have. DP wasn't allowed a visit immediately after the surgery but we were able to speak on the phone when he was in the recovery room.

If it's a major surgery then this is just one step in a long road and you would all be sensible to manage your stamina (and annual leave/emergency leave) accordingly to stagger support. Pointless you all being there for a short period and then noone around for a while - however for the day before/day of and afterwards have a chat with your mum and find out what she would like.

My DM has significant surgery and we were told not to come to the hospital till she was out - which was not til 6pm.
I would suggest one of you goes to be with your DM while the surgery in on and take her to the hospital after.
Maybe you could go to work in the morning then travel up for the end of the op and stay over the next day assuming it goes well?
I am also a teacher so I totally get the difficulty of being off but wanting to be there.

Meant to add in this situation I would offer to my HT to take it as unpaid leave but obviously depends on your school and circumstances

Thank you to everyone for your responses, they’ve all been really helpful. I am going to speak to my HT and see what the position is, I’m happy to take it as unpaid leave if needed. I’m going to speak to my sisters and see if we can think of a sort of plan for during and after the op, given that we might be better to be off at different times. The responses have reassured me that it isn’t totally crazy to wonder about this situation.

Go. You won't regret it.

I’m a teacher.
Let me tell you that you are just a number and you’d be replaced and basically forgotten in a heartbeat.
That is just a fact.

If my dad were going through life-changing surgery like this, I would want to be close by and with my family.

Not necessarily in the hospital for the entire duration, but I’d want to be there for him coming out of surgery.

You can get a sickline for stress.
DO NOT offer to take unpaid leave.

Your local authority would have you working in your deathbed, if they possibly could.

You are replaceable at work.
You are not replaceable to your family. If the worst came to the worst and you were 4 hours away, you’d really regret it.

Local authorities can afford to pay sky high salaries for their education officers etc. They can certainly afford to pay a supply teacher for a few days.

I would not be able to concentrate at work anyway, if it were me.

Go and be with your family.

What do your mum and dad want? I had a major life saving 9 hour operation and I wouldn’t have wanted anyone waiting around in case I died. Nor did I want anyone turning up at the hospital to fuss over me when I was fresh out of the theatre. Even Dh didn’t wait around all day. He saw me into theatre at 8am and then once I came to about 7pm, the surgeon called him to say we were done. He left the dc at home with MIL and drove down to see me quickly before kicking out hours. I was an absolute mess and the last thing I wanted was my kids there.

After a big surgery like this and a life changing diagnosis, when you really need people is not for the surgery. It’s for the weeks and months after. Now I know that things are fragile and you’re well aware you may not get those weeks and months. But I think you should be driven by what your dad and then next your mum wants. They may not want everyone showing up to wait around all day, but they may really need some practical support in a few weeks time or a few months. If your AL is tricky and limited, I would give some thoughtful consideration to how you use it, if that’s a concern.

Honestly. I think one of you needs to accompany your mum at the hospital. The rest help afterwards. The thought of all of you at the hospitalngives me visions of the bloody Boswells.

Hospitals are crowded, busy and noisy enough.

Being a teacher and getting time off work isn’t easy although your head should be compassionate. In case it helps, I did once offer to pay for supply but was granted the time.