Help- what is the right thing to do?

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I’ll try and summarise.

teen in lots of trouble- smoking weed- has been caught by police.

my husband and teen have a very tempestuous relationship and there has been physical contact.

he wants to take teen away from the family home and teen does not want to go.

i get reasons why he wants to take teen- to get away from the kids he’s misbehaving with- and i get why teen doesn’t want to go- doesn’t particularly like dad at the moment.

i should add that my relationship is over.

what’s best to do? Should I facilitate dad taking teen away or should I bring him home where he will just continue to go out smoking weed and goodness knows what?

Thank you

Where does he want to take "teen" (edit spelling)

Why are you allowing the bad behaviour at home? (If husband can stop him smoking weed if he removes him from the family home and you, then why cant you?)

How old is your teen? Is he in school?

Allowing the bad behaviour?

been trying to stop it. At a complete loss. Any ideas welcome.

age 15. The only way he’s attempting to stop it is by removing teen from the friends they have around here.

Yes he’s at school (sorry was trying to keep they/them pronouns but failed in first post….people who know us, will identify this story. Was trying to be a bit vague 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄)

So if your husband takes him away does that mean he will have to change schools? Is there a sport or hobby he enjoys? Teen boys often need a positive male role model.

What have you tried already?

when you say there's been physical contact, do you mean your DH has been physical with your ds? If so, there's not a chance I'd let dh take him anywhere.

Just saw one of your earlier posts about your husband losing his shit with him and calling him 'horrible names'. Please don't send him off with this abusive man. You may find your son's behaviour improves if he's away from his father.

Thank you.

there has been pushing and shoving and yes, vile language. Teen has reciprocated and I’ve told husband that he is the adult a number of times.

husband genuinely thinks this will help.

His behaviour in terms of just being pleasant and behaving himself at school will improve, yes, but he will still go and smoke weed. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it. 😢

Parents often think removing the child from bad influence friends will help. IME they're usually the children who are the bad influence. Parents who take responsibility rather than blaming friends are less likely to have such children.

Has any work been done on why he behaves this way? A temptemptuous relationship with his father is probably a good place to start..

@Hyroplate we are under no illusion about that, actually. They’re all as bad as eachother.

i feel that this is just a lose/lose situation.

Where is he intending on taking him to? And how? Has he seen/heard about the "troubled teen" wilderness programmes in the US where they get a couple of beefy men to turn up at 3am, barge into the kid's bedroom and frogmarch them off to the mountains of Utah or wherever to camp and survive off beans until they behave better.

If a 15yo boy doesn't want to go with him, presumably it will get physical again, or he'll just run off. And how would your (ex)husband keep him somewhere, lock him in? Again, 15yos can just walk out the door or climb out of a window and not come back. Even with kids looked after by the state in children's homes, unless they're subject to a depravation of liberty order you can't lock them up and they just can go off to the nearest town and not come back.

Ime until your ds wants ro turn his life around he will carry on whenever he is .
My ds 14 was dealing and using weed. And alcohol .
Exh didn't have an issue with any of that..
Ds got permanently excluded
.
Ended up in a PRU
.then he turned his life around.
Cracking young man now at 25.

Oh this is wonderful to hear. Do you know what his turning point was?

You’re so right. He wants to take him to a family members.

You say your relationship is over - why is that?

It sounds like the violence between your husband and your son was initiated by your husband, which leads me to believe he's a bully who hasn't a clue and is possibly the reason - or at least one of the reasons - that your son has gone off the rails. Is that the case?

I’m not sure. His dad loves him dearly but doesn’t know how to deal with him 😭

Obviously you tell the police and social services about your husband - immediately.

After that, you divorce.