Does anyone else in a relationship still consider themselves single?

[uiui]

I had a long relationship in my late teens/early 20s, and a couple of very short term relationships since then, but I’ve been more or less single for 17 years. I am now in a relationship but I still feel very much single. It’s a great relationship and I’m happy, but I still think of myself as single.

Is this normal? Does anyone else get this?chat

Yes, I too am 'single' and love going out meeting people and experimenting sexually. Unfortunately my DH of many years sees things differently and can be a real grumpy pants after these meetings happen.

What do you mean? In what way do you think of yourself as single?

I would say yes I do, I was married for 17 years, ended with infidelity. 4 yrs later had a very bad toxic relationship which lasted 3 years which eventually ended with me hospitalised and him in prison.

I’ve been with a very calm, gentle and caring man for 3 years. But my body won’t seem to let my guard down understandable I guess, he lives with me but I won’t let him sell his house just in case, I consider him in when making decisions about holidays or what we should eat for tea. But bigger decisions are mine, I am very protective of my home, peace and security.

i have just learnt to trust no one, to be careful. To protect myself. My walls are up, I am able to love but my protection and that of my children comes first

He is being unreasonable.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. I can’t really describe what I mean so it’s a bit of a daft post really. I just don’t think myself as being part of a couple.

Exactly the same! My first relationship was also abusive. I too would not consult him about big decision - they are mine.

Legally

Married or civil partnership

Or

Single

They are the only options

Although I'm now married to a lovely man, I do understand what you mean OP.

I haven't had a lot of luck with relationships in the past and I've learned to hold some of my commitment\money\future planning back just incase things go wrong between my DH and I. I've become accustomed to the rug being pulled from under my feet. I try not to show it and I am working hard on keeping a good marriage.

I’m clearly not talking about the law.

Thank you. Maybe it is too many years of being single and independent that I can’t change now.

I mean technically if you're not married you are single so there's the actual meaning of the word. If by single you mean self sufficient then I think that's a healthy way to be. I never understand those couples that are codependent and need to do everything together. I assume you are happy and not looking to be involved with anyone else? If you are then maybe reframe your relationship as open?

No, I am most definitely not in an open relationship, and I am happy.

Ok armchair psychology here, but I think I know what's going on.

You say your first relationship was abusive, which I assume from context was the long one you mention. You were quite young at the time, first proper relationship, and it taught you that you live on eggshells, that it comes with control, that feeling in the pit of your stomach etc . That's what you first learned to associate with relationships rather than say, love, joy and the freedom to be yourself with a safety net.

So now even if you're in a good relationship, to you it doesn't feel like a relationship because it doesn't have those negative connotations you learn to associate with being in a relationship.

Plus you've built your walls up high to protect yourself, to ensure that you are your own safety net, and so no one can hurt you again. But in doing so you hold back that little bit of yourself that makes you vulnerable.

If the relationship you are in is as good as you say it is, I suspect those walls will eventually break down a little and you let him in, and you'll start feel that being a couple doesn't mean being frightened and it doesn't mean clipping your wings, it means the opposite. But it's going to take some time x