After school behaviour wearing me down

[Autumnd4y]

Ds is 4 nearly 5 just started reception. He seems to enjoy school, he is on a waiting list for autism assement and is under speech and language as he has issues with pronunciation so his words csn be very jumbled

So all of this is relevant as I know its probably why hes acting out when he is home. But the behaviour is just constant. Lots of hitting? Back chat and melt downs but if we don't do very specific things and he says "I want to do whatever I want" which makes me think the lots of rules in school makes him just over load at home

Im trying to understand and help and I dont over load at home. I let him do whatever he wants play wise etc but when hes acting out he needs to know certain things aren't right especially the hitting

It makes me and DH argue we're both very short patience as its a lot to deal with so I just dont feel like ive got a teammate in all of this

I've cried tonight as he had an after school activity before half term next week. So he comes back later and just unleashes on us all. Very grumpy then just gets angry telling us all to 'shut up' 'be quiet' etc so I tell him thats mean dont say that which just angers him more. Its a full on melt down then he randomly gets his book and wants to read and sound the words ?

But its drained me and I feel guilty because I have shouted. I dont want to be that mum I am just getting very very overwhelmed and I feel ashamed of myself

Just looking for any advice really how to help him and how to manage

Early nights always solved over tired moany dc .ime
It's end of term which also explains a lot..

I think it’s common after school for a bit of a “witching hour” particularly with neurodivergent children (I have 2). The mask they’ve been wearing all day to conform to school rules comes off when they’re back in their safe space (home) which is good that they feel they can be themselves but also very challenging when parents are on the receiving end of all the pent up emotion and energy coming out in all sort of ways (aggression, rudeness, silliness, emotional outbursts etc). The only thing I’ve found that helps so far is getting them to eat something asap and try and do a quiet activity. No matter how much they push my buttons, I try not to lose my temper (not always successful!) because that seems to make it worse.
Sometimes if the weather is good, getting outside and running off steam can help too.
I completely get where you’re coming from, it’s so hard and I do shout too then feel guilty.

Yes I thought when he started saying let me do whatever I want. I want do to what I want etc it was all the pent up energy of following rules and masking in school coming out

And it breaks my heart

Thank you I need to get myself in check. Looking forward to half term im luckily off work :) so time to decompress and recharge together. Having a little cry again lol and tomorrow is a new day

We’ve all been there with a tired and grumpy child and starting reception is a huge step. Hopefully as time goes on it improves x

I have four kids (two with autism) and a 5 yr old grandson, and worked in Special Ed with children who have autism for 20 years... it's very common, even normal. Horribly hard to deal with but it's nothing you are doing or not doing.

By autumn half term they have had a good 8 weeks of having to conform, to sit, to listen when really they are barely more than toddlers... it's like a pressure cooker going off. My two had to be fed snacks immediately as they were always hangry after school and then allowed to decompress with minimal demands and no after school clubs/ shopping anything unless it's a run round the park.

DGS is 5 and a very easy going kid generally, but after school he's stroppy, obnoxious, demanding and refuses to do his reading. We find that a good snack and half an hour of letting him play and decompress , barely even chatting, helps, before we attempt anything else!
At least yours wants to read... we are having a battle with that, and I've been doing it for 30 years!!!!
Hang in there...

All young kids are like this after school - it’s complete and utter exhaustion.
He also is holding himself together all day, then comes home and just lets go!!
My son was exactly the same and still is.
My advice is to take a snack to the school pick up; let them have it immediately and plan the evenings to be as short as you can so they are in bed early in the week.
I also find my son is better out of the house - sometimes he will have a melt down as soon as we get in the front door literally, about hanging his coat up or he can’t get his shoe off first time!! So sometimes I will take the snack and him straight to the park, then home for dinner/bath/bed.
All the kids I know are like this! Keep the evenings simple and as short as you can. And my son naps at school in the day (France) so I imagine the young kids at school in the UK are even more knackered!!

be assured it’s normal! Xo

Wanted to add - if my son is really really tired and it’s the end of the week, even the wrong after school snack sets him off 😂
When he first started school (at 3 where we are) he would come home and immediately have a bottle of milk led on the sofa with a soft blanket. It was like he’d been waiting for it all day! It’s honestly just a lot for them the first few years. Some days it’s really wearing, especially if you are also very busy; i often remind myself this is probably preferable to a teenager who won’t even say hello when they come in & maybe I’ll look back at these times with fondness 😂🫶

Is there any reason he can’t do exactly what he wants after school? Is he wishing todo anything unsafe?

When he says let me do whatever I want its usually kicking us or pushing or throwing stuff etc

Thats the only reason we say no xx

Sounds just like my daughter. I took a snack for her on the walk home from school yesterday and had a totally different evening for the first time. Could have been a one off, I’ll find out soon enough. I think she’s so tired and hungry and a whole plate of dinner as soon as she gets home is overwhelming.

Can you get stuff like yoga ball, beanbags, trampette, big pile of squishies, cushions etc and put them all in a kind of after school wallowing corner?

My DD isn't ND (that we know of) but we've also struggled with after school behaviour - she's either incredibly emotional and tearful or she's argumentative and rude. I also noticed a big shift in her wanted to control every single thing, often just for the sake of it. I put it down to her brain just pushing back after following all the new school rules all day.

Like others have said, a snack definitely helps. We also try to walk home most evenings if possible - I don't know if it's the movement or the fresh air, but she definitely seems more relaxed.

I also try and keep the after school routine exactly the same each day - we have 30 minutes of 'mummy time' where we do something together like a puzzle or a game and she has my total undivided attention, then I make dinner while she plays or watches TV, then it's dinner, bath. bed. We have a picture chart that shows what happens, but she knows it off by heart now, and I think the predictability helps her.

@Disintegration1985 exact same for my son - it’s just complete & utter exhaustion! And trying to hold themselves together all day is a lot for them at that age.

@Disintegration1985 has described the routine that worked best for my son too. I swear by the bath and bed routine during the week with more flexibility at the weekend. Time outside in the fresh air to burn off energy worked well too.