Save the child ? Or DH/ DP?

[Mixymaxymoxy]

I had an interesting chat with a close friend recently. She has three kids, I have two, both married. I can’t quite remember how it came about but at some point I said something along the lines of ‘… but the boys (my children) will always come first.’ She replied ‘oh no, for me DH will always come first’. I was a bit taken aback, and said so. She says ‘well he was there first and the kids will leave eventually, so yes, he’s the priority’. I said that for me, I expect DH to be an adult who can look after himself, and the children come first for both of us, probably always will. I then said ‘if you had to save either him or one of your children from going under a bus, you’d save him?’ She said ‘yes, of course.’

I was kind of gobsmacked: I grew up with parents who’d do anything for my sister and I, even now as adults. And I know that DH and I would save one of our children first, before each other.

Or maybe not? I thought my view was the common one, so I’ve never even questioned it before - but maybe it isn’t.

YABU - save the partner first
YANBU - save the child first

Children first. But then I say that as someone who’s been divorced twice (now married 17 years though).

Honestly, I’ve no interest in discussing whether I’d let my spouse or kids die and I can’t imagine why anyone would.

Sorry, not trying to be thread police but I think the conversation and the thread are in poor taste.

I got a bit crucified for this last time this came up on here, but it's context dependant, surely.

Lets say there's a house fire. 10 years ago, when DD was only little, it'd be no question. DP is a grown adult, she can get herself out, I'm going to make sure DD is safe.

Now, DD is a capable adult, DP takes medication that leaves her incredibly groggy. Leaving DD to sort herself out while I concentrate on getting DP out makes the most sense, as it has the best chance of all 3 of us getting out alive.

In another situation, where it was a direct choice between DD and DP, no chance of everyone living, then I'd always save DD. Losing DD would completely break DP, so I'd be doing what she wanted.

I can confidently say that DP would always choose DD, no matter the situation, even if I'm in dire straits and DD is barely in any danger. I can happily accept that, although I'm reasonably sure if we swapped out DD for the cat in that situation, she'd pick the bloody cat, which I'm less pleased about!

Yes, I agree with the more nuanced position Vimes describes. Ultimately DH and I would alway put DD first. She’s the one with a full life ahead of her, ours are 2/3 spent. But in practice if we were in physical peril she’d probably be saving us now she’s a strong young woman though if it endangered her we’d be telling her to save herself.

Children first, always

Married 39 years and my daughter absolutely comes first.

My DC come first, DH knows this and I would expect the same from him.
We did have a converstion about this with regards to a plne crash,boat sinking etc and we agreed kids first then eachother if its safe to do so and dosesn't risk leaving them with no parent

Im pretty sure DH would never firgive me if I chose him over DDs!

In terms of saving someone from a burning building, we would both save the kids first, no question.

In terms of considering everybody's needs in general (which is a more realistic thing to consider) then it depends on context. Yes, ultimately we want to do what is best for our children above all but it doesn't follow that every need (or want) of a child is more important than that of an adult.

There have been threads on here along these lines. Usually its around 50/50 in replies. For me nothing compares to the love you have for a child. But ultimately not all people think the same. Hence why so many partners stay with cheating/sh*t spouses!!

I said that for me, I expect DH to be an adult who can look after himself, and the children come first for both of us, probably always will.

I'm not sure the 'always will' makes sense if you're saying you expect your DH to be an adult who can look after himself?

You kids will be adults one day too?

I agree with this. Without a doubt in a life or death situation I would choose DDs over DH. He would say the exact same....the children would come first.

That's not the same as saying that the children's wants or needs always take priority over DH or I. It depends on the situation.

Not only would I save my children over DH, I know he would want me to. As I would want him to save our children over me!