Just need a hug... 13 year old with no friends

[SandyToes46]

My child is 13 and is very friendly and kind but has no real friends. They hang out at school but never get invited to any parties or anything. They do a sport and get on well with everyone but again never get invited to do anything. It's Halloween soon and I knew that this would be tricky as no-one would be available and I was right... all have come back and said they are busy or my child can't join because of various reasons.
I don't make it a big thing and we said we can go do something fun ourselves but they want to be with friends.. its so wearing because they can't seem to see that good friends would be involving them so just let them all be.
Don't know what I'm asking for but as a mum it's so sad to see them disappointed
Just any solidarity would help I guess x

Available for what at Halloween? I would say your DD needs to be more proactive and invite people to do things with her. Does she have a phone?

This was my DD is year 7, 8 and some of year 9 but then towards the end of year 9 she seemed to find her tribe. It was a long couple of years and always felt sad for her.

Shes also ASD and struggles to initiate plans or follow social queues so that definitely didn’t help.

Fingers crossed your DD finds her tribe soon too. If she has a phone id also quickly check her messages now and again. I found things like someone trying to change the time by an hour would result in DD saying don’t worry we’ll go another day for no reason at all and then thinking she had been cancelled on, just check there is nothing like this happening.

Yes they have a phone. They have asked to join 3 separate groups and all have said they are busy or doing xyz and they can't join

I suspect there may be some traits of asd as they aren't a typical 13 in a few ways and I wonder if they "act" like all the others at school and when at home they are different
It's just hard because they are such a good friend and do nice things for others.
I just hope they find some friends that they can gel with eventually but it's hard to watch

This sounds exactly like my 13yo dd she loves Halloween and every year she has done something but her usual friend is becoming a bit of a frenemy to her. The friend is doing something with 2 other girls in the group and not included my dd at all.
Dd has messaged her out of school activity friends and they are all busy. 2 of them again doing something together, I said to my dd to ask those 2 directly if she could join them and she won’t as she will feel awkward as she wasn’t personally asked in the first instance! (AuDHD girl right there)

Have you spoke to the school to see if they have noticed anything about the way your DC interacts socially? My DS struggled with friendships towards the end of primary school and I asked his teacher and the Senco to see if they had observed if he was behaving or interacting in a way that was off-putting or irritating to other children. They answer was no but he has found new friends now in Year 7.m, so sometimes I think some kids just don’t find their tribe in a particular school.

Perhaps encourage your DC to join groups outside of school too such as Scouts or Guides, and my DS does Street Dance and we’ve always found them to be a friendly group of kids who do this.

It's hard isn't it
I've offered to do different things with them but all have been rejected because they want to go and be with friends. Its hard to not just be blunt and say " but they don't want you too" as this would really upset them. I just have to keep it light and offer suggestions. It's like they cant see that they need to find new friends who will include them

Op you haven’t said him or her once cos your child go by they/ them? If so I’d imagine that’s why they’re finding it tricky to make friends.

Teachers say they are friendly and get on well with everyone. They are helpful and bright and always kind. Just doesn't match when they aren't a part of anything outside of school which adds to the thoughts of some neurodivergence but doesn't help with any evidence

Op heartbreaking.
Can she join a musical theatre club or something like that where people maybe more outgoing and easy going ?
Is there anything you can help her join ....

Id would have something in my back pocket depending on your £££ like theatre / afternoon tea Halloween theme ...London day out ...
Harry potter world...
Local theatre slightly cheaper than London ...really cosy pub.

Teachers often don't understand the nunaces at play.

I didn't think it mattered but its a boy
And the majority of friends are girls

Yes I've suggested some things like this
But all rejected because in their head they want to do something with their friends. It's hard for me to not get cross and say ffs just forget them but obviously I don't... so bloody frustrating

Well thats the issue. Most dads don't want boys in there houses around their girls. Does he have friends on the same road. Does he have any friends that are boys. Its easier when its 2 or 3 boys in a group with girls when its one 13 year old boy wiĺl he want to do face masks and talk about boys.

He does have friends that are boys too but they all game and tend not to go out and about

Aw this is awful OP 😞 I totally sympathise. Does he have any cousins or do any of your friends have kids of similar ages who could invite him to do something on Halloween (I mean - can you ask your friends or siblings to get him an invite but without him knowing that you're arranging it)?

The boy and mostly friends are girls is the problem i think. Sometimes girls just don't want a boy tagging along, especially with puberty and female hormones swirling around. I've seen this at play, they just want some space.

If you know any parents of kids of similar age could you afford to take them somewhere like Thorpe Park Frightnight? That's usually something teens won't decline.

Yep. Issue is it will require more supervision at that age if mixed sex. I wouldn't want a boy around house if I am not around and I am done with babysitting other kids.

Plus some girls want to do girl things so will change dynamics.

Not sure what to suggest but it is a difficult age

My nephew was like this. He did get a group of pals but found hanging out with girls on a 1:1 better. He found his feet in a drama club... Best thing he joined and helped him socially

I don’t think that’s “the” issue. I’ve got a 13 year old girl and her dad and I don’t mind her being in mixed-sex groups. She’s got a “boyfriend” and they hang out at his house and ours and it’s fine, we just keep an eye on things.

It’s so hard, OP. My girl really struggled before this year too; she had one good friend for years who suddenly dropped her and “didn’t want anything to do” with her. It was excruciating to watch.

I hope your boy finds his people soon. ❤️

My son was like this all through primary and secondary school. No friends to speak of, which I know got to him. He was also diagnosed with ASD as a child, but the way it affected him was that he didn’t feel that he had to conform socially with his peers (in terms of hobbies, what they liked watching on TV, latest trends etc) so didn’t have any shared interests with anyone. He did make a few friends in year 11 and 6th form and met up with them occasionally, but the group still hung out without him as well.

He’s at uni now and is very involved in a couple of sports and has made some friends through these. He still is very much his own person (never drunk alcohol because he doesn’t want to, never had social media - his choice), but people seem to respect him for it. He has also been in a relationship since he met someone last year and seems very happy for the first time ever,

No advice really, just solidarity.

Thank you 😊
I wish he didn't care and was happy by himself doing his thing. He's not though and desperately wants to be part of thing. Which is probably part of the issue and also breaks my heart
Solidarity helps though ❤️

So when it come to the night then mention it

Appreciate all the supportive messages. Sometimes there isn't an answer or a fix and being able to talk is all that's needed