My friend needs help

[Oldmumahelp]

I have a lovely 30 something friend, who has a 5 year old who is a struggle. He screams shouts hits and causes upset at home and school. She also has a beautiful 2 month baby girl, she is struggling to cope on a disrupted 3 hours sleep, the baby does not sleep so is not in a routine, and her son plays up at home, and when that happens he frightens the baby. Her husband who works from home does very little, promises her the earth but nothing happens. She is at the end of her tether. He pays the mortgage but when working she pays for everything else, utilities, food etc. He wants her to go back to work, he earns significantly more than she does. They do not have a combined bank account, and she is having to borrow money from him as her maternity pay does not cover the outcomings she has to pay. I am so worried about her, please advise ASAP.

Are you asking if she can get childcare help, or if she should be at work, or change her finances, or her relationship?
I'm not sure on what part you want advice for her ?

Is the son's behaviour new? What has the school said regarding his behaviour. Tackling that is important.

She has a two month old baby. Is he suggesting she puts baby into nursery? Is she a very high earner?

Is she getting support for her five year old?

Let me guess, the house is in his name alone right?

No she isn't, his is on at least 50K she doesn't earn half that. Most of her wage goes on household bills, food etc. He is quite a selfish man, she doesn't cook or help around the house, he doesn't get up with the baby who doesn't sleep well, and argues with his 5 year old - seriously can you believe that. Every Sunday he is up and out with his sports and is gone for 3-4 hours, leaving her to cope with the children. She didn't have a great pregnancy toward the end, and had a Csection, home the next day and expected to just carry on, though she knew she had to take it easy. She used to be such a strong personality, but now just gets on with everything for a quiet life. He does not abuse her physically, but his treatment towards her I think is mental abuse. I have said that she can't continue like this, if she left and I don't know if she would get help, or even if she had to leave the home.

I think or wonder how she would fare with help if she left him, or she to leave the home because of the children. She did leave him 2 years ago and went to w women's refuge, but he talked her around and promised he would change his ways, but nothing. They had a massive row shortly after having the baby by Csection and told him he had to buck up and be a father and a partner, again he was full of apologies, said some really cruel things to her, but then of course backstepped saying he didn't mean it. This was when he said for her to go back to work after 6 weeks, as she wasn't able to pay her way on her maternity pay.

Bingo !!!

I am not sure what kind of advice anyone can give. She has obviously struggled for a long time with her twat of a husband but chose to get pregnant with another child just a year ago. Her son sounds challenging, perhaps takes after his dad or is affected by his dad's disinterest, but there isn't much she can do about that with a newborn and no help.

I think from a practical point of view, maybe offer to take her son out for half a day every weekend whilst her H is out. That will at least give her a few hours with just her newborn. The only option other than that is really to leave her H, but that's a lot to take on 2 months post partum.

Asking for all of the above, I wouldn't say help with the relationship, that isn't going to change. She is such a proud lady, feels like she can't ask for help, or if she would get it anyway.

No it isn't, there is a name for his behaviour but I can't remember what iyt is, I will have to ask her. He does have some supervision at school, but no other help.

Doesn't matter if they are married whose name its in

He also monitors her mobile,emails msgs and social media, I was there a while ago, and he went into the kitchen to take a work call, but it went very quiet we were sure he was listening into our conversation. So it is difficult to get her on her own or even chat via the above, he watches her. I have told her to put a security on her phone, but she said he would wonder what she is hiding. I have only met him once, took an immediate dislike to him, though I was very friendly and cordial. I got the distinct impression I intimidated him. I also gave her some money as I knew she was struggling, he even went into her bag and found it.

He also monitors her mobile,emails msgs and social media, I was there a while ago, and he went into the kitchen to take a work call, but it went very quiet we were sure he was listening into our conversation. So it is difficult to get her on her own or even chat via the above, he watches her. I have told her to put a security on her phone, but she said he would wonder what she is hiding. I have only met him once, took an immediate dislike to him, though I was very friendly and cordial. I got the distinct impression I intimidated him. I also gave her some money as I knew she was struggling, he even went into her bag and found it.

He also monitors her mobile,emails msgs and social media, I was there a while ago, and he went into the kitchen to take a work call, but it went very quiet we were sure he was listening into our conversation. So it is difficult to get her on her own or even chat via the above, he watches her. I have told her to put a security on her phone, but she said he would wonder what she is hiding. I have only met him once, took an immediate dislike to him, though I was very friendly and cordial. I got the distinct impression I intimidated him. I also gave her some money as I knew she was struggling, he even went into her bag and found it.

He also monitors her mobile,emails msgs and social media, I was there a while ago, and he went into the kitchen to take a work call, but it went very quiet we were sure he was listening into our conversation. So it is difficult to get her on her own or even chat via the above, he watches her. I have told her to put a security on her phone, but she said he would wonder what she is hiding. I have only met him once, took an immediate dislike to him, though I was very friendly and cordial. I got the distinct impression I intimidated him. I also gave her some money as I knew she was struggling, he even went into her bag and found it.

He also monitors her mobile,emails msgs and social media, I was there a while ago, and he went into the kitchen to take a work call, but it went very quiet we were sure he was listening into our conversation. So it is difficult to get her on her own or even chat via the above, he watches her. I have told her to put a security on her phone, but she said he would wonder what she is hiding. I have only met him once, took an immediate dislike to him, though I was very friendly and cordial. I got the distinct impression I intimidated him. I also gave her some money as I knew she was struggling, he even went into her bag and found it.

She has lost 5 babies since her son was born, she never thought she would get pregnant again, then hey presto!.

She has lost 5 babies since her son was born, she never thought she would get pregnant again, then hey presto!.