I am struggling deeply with grief and I don't know how to move forward with it.
I am 38, with an almost 12 year old with additional needs and a 16 year old. I have been on my own with them for 10 years, I have dated, but no-one I have introduced to the boys. In this time I got a degree, then a masters and now work full time. I am largely estranged from my family as they have been unsafe, I try to have a relationship with my mother but I find it difficult, she has never really helped me with the boys bar a few occasions. I have a granny who is in her nineties and I adore, although she is incapacitated now. The boys are really my only family, my eldest is doing what teens generally do and separating from me, seeing friends more and being grumpy, my youngest is an absolute joy, he really is the best. I have a few friends I have known for years and we see each other when we can but life is busy. Their Dad has been a classic EOW, but is spending less time now.
I am deeply, deeply sad. After having my youngest I was admitted to a mother and baby unit for post natal, and even then, I dont remember feeling so deeply sad. My LL told me she was selling our home of 9 years 3 years ago and I have never really recovered. It has triggered an immense amount of grief. I have told a few people but not really the extent of it, I feel a fraud. I cannot move on from the boys growing up. I can't get through a day without crying, more often I cry multiple times a day. I miss them being small so intensely. I miss picking them up, holding them, hearing them call me Mummy, our little routines and all the adventures we had. I miss the children they were and the life we had together. I know they are still here, and I love watching them grow, but I find myself grieving the fact that those years are gone and can never be repeated
It is having a significant impact on me, I thought it would go away, and it does go through stages of being easier, but the waves of it are getting worse I think. Obviously I still take my youngest on days out, but when were out I'm acutely aware that this too will be gone very soon, and i will go to the loo and cry.
Additionally, because we left our old house, we were homeless, and i ended up buying a house we all dislike, in an area we don't know, which means almost 2 hours out of my day are spent doing school runs. I have done a lot to the house and I really want to sell, but i don't know if the house will sell. I have no real life, I'm working or driving, there is no time. I feel so unattractive now, I have lost hope, and just feel I will continue to feel worse. I am exhausted and ready to close this chapter, but I just don't know where to start. Any help would be massively appreciated.