Please give me some advice-13 year old son!

[TeenMeen]

Hi, I am desperate for some advice as parenting a teenage boy is really difficult.

I have one DS who is 13. He has a smart phone, an iPad (gift from his dad but is kept at our house), a PlayStation and a laptop that he needs for school (this is provided by the school). I have all of parental settings on his devices and check through everything at LEAST once a week

Last week I picked up his tablet as it was the closest device to hand and when I went online I was shocked to find several searches in the search bar for porn. They had all been blocked thankfully due to the parental controls and the searches were fairly standard but I was very shocked. I spoke to DS and explained what I’d found (he instantly denied it was him and said it was a friend even though he hadn’t had a friend round on the day of the searches 🧐). We had a bit chat and I explained how it’s fine to be curious etc but that porn isn’t a realistic depiction of sex and how it can really mess with your mind and also used it as an opportunity to discuss consent. Since then I’ve checked every day (but the iPad is in the living room now so he hasn’t really had chance) qnd no more searches. There’s nothing in his iPhone.

SO tonight he’s playing on Fortnite with headphones on and as I come up the stairs I hear him say ‘yeah yeah dickhead I am going to rape your mum’. I am DISGUSTED. I immediately switched off his game and unplugged it and it’s now gone under my bed where it will stay till at least Christmas. I can’t believe that then words came out of my kids mouth. He said it was a joke and all the ‘lads’ (I’ve checked his friend list and he’s got 5 people on his list, all hours I know) talk like that.

I have tried to speak to him but he kept laughing so he’s now gone to bed and I’ll speak to him tomorrow. I can’t emphasise enough how much for a quiet, polite boy he is and to hear such foul words come out of his mouth has made me feel so ashamed. He won’t be having his PlayStation back, his iPad is totally locked down and I have full parental control and the school laptop limits what he can go on to. He needs a smart phone as we use it to unlock our front door (we have a smart lock) but I’ve been through all his chats etc tonight and there’s nothing alarming

truly how do I navigate this? Please don’t be harsh, I feel devastated as it is. I don’t want him to think for a second that this time or language is normal. And i just miss the easy days of toddlerhood!

Ps I am not with his dad but he has a good relationship with him so I’ll speak to him tomorrow

Sorry for all the typos!

It's a tough age to parent, but in my experience the things you mention are pretty normal. I'm not saying its acceptable and you are right to have a conversation about it, but when teen boys are together there's a lot of peer pressure to be loud, rude and push boundaries.

Discussing porn and consent is a good thing. I imagine every teen in the country has seen some kind of porn on someone's phone/iPad etc. I think that's pretty standard these days.

I'm not convinced taking all of your sons devices away from him is a good thing, but how you parent your child is your decision. My kids language on their Xboxes sometimes made your eyes water, but in real life they were polite, decent kids. Like you I was shocked at first!

I really feel for you as its a bloody awful time and like you, I wished constantly for those easy to deal with toddler tantrums!!

Good luck

I think you've already done everything I would suggest OP, or planning to at least (when it comes to informing his dad).
There's no point going nuclear. He's at a vulnerable age and the last thing you want to do is push him away and further towards the influences he has picked this attitude up from!

I do think his comment was disgusting, but I also believe it's something they throw around without really thinking properly about it. What's his attitude like towards the women and girls in his family/friendship group?

Ahh the joys of 13.. he’s still very young so don’t feel too disheartened, they say lots of stuff at that age without knowing what it means, there’s a lot of stupid acting out in front of the mates etc. Worth talking to him though, so he understands why it’s not acceptable to talk like that, even as a ‘joke’.

I was going to post but the first three have basically said what I was going to. Stay strong, these early teen years can be brutal

Thank you all so much for the level headed responses! I agree the porn thing is typical for a 13 year old boy and when I found it I wasn’t angry at all, I didn’t want him to think being curious was dirty or wrong. But hearing him
say I’ll rape your mum really shocked and disgusted me even though I know it was a throwaway comment and teenage boys can say some weird things. But what annoyed be was his total smug reaction, smirking at me as I was trying to have a conversation with him about that kind of language being totally unacceptable. I’m later 30’s so growing up ‘your mum’ was probably used about a thousand times a day but there’s been such a shift to violent language especially against women hasn’t there.

He has loads of female cousins and he treats them exactly the same as his male cousins and he has a good relationship with them and is really gentle with the smaller ones. I’m going to keep his PlayStation for now but I have calmed down a bit. ill speak to him again tonight and see what his reaction is.

thank you!

You sound like an amazing mum ❤️

The porn, not ideal but common and kinda expected.

The comment he shouted? PlayStation would be away for the foreseeable. You can Google about gaming culture, lots of racist and sexist terms are thrown about when boys mostly are playing online games. He's shown he's too immature and a natural consequence here would be for him to spend his next "gaming time" sat with you having a conversation about what exactly rape is and why we don't joke about it. I'd be coming down on this like a ton of bricks. He's an impressionable boy at this age. You don't want a dangerous man at a later age.

I know it was a throwaway comment and that's exactly why it is so dangerous.

You sound like a good mom- addressing this and not ignoring so well done.

Let dad also deal with some of this from a male perspective as he would have school age memories from his own upbringing.