My brother has had no education since year 2…

[Kellyj211]

and i’m worried for him

My little brother is 13 and hasnt been to school since he was in year 2. My mum calls it unschooling but im getting more and more worried about him. I was brought up by my dad and stepmum and I dont live with them and only see him now and then, but every time I do things seem a bit worse. Ive tried talking to mum about it but we just end up arguing.

He spends pretty much all day in his room online, gaming, youtube, tiktok and discord. I know discord can be a dodgy place for children that age, people can pretend to be anyone and get them talking about all sorts. He stays up late and gets up whenever he wants and theres no routine or anything that I can see. Mum says hes happy and theres nothing wrong with letting him have freedom but I dont think she realises how much time he actually spends on there.

He also reads these really graphic comics online. He says its not porn because its yaoi which apparently is japanese for boyxboy stories. Some of what Ive seen is very explicit and I dont think its appropriate for a 13yo. When I asked him about it he just said “do you have a problem with that” and carried on looking at it. I wasnt trying to make an issue of the fact its about boys, its the actual content and his age. Mum doesnt seem interested in what hes looking at.

Mum says hes dyslexic, autistic, has dyscalculia and PDA and all sorts of other things but as far as I know hes not diagnosed with any of it. She doesnt seem to be fighting to get him assessed either. I know how hard the SEN system is and how many parents have to fight for years to get their children help so Im not expecting everything to happen overnight, but she seems to use these labels as an explanation for why he cant be expected to do things without actually trying to get him any support. I honestly think he just didnt want to go to school, like plenty of children dont, and mum ran with it because she didnt want to deal with the parenting side of things. I know that sounds harsh but she was similar with me and luckily my dad stepped in.

I do want to be clear this isnt a thread bashing children with SEN or home education. I know children can have genuine difficulties with school and home education can be brilliant when its done properly. Im not an expert and I dont know everything that goes on in their house. Im just struggling to see how this is meant to be working for him when hes had no school for years and I dont know what education hes had in all that time.

Hes started vaping as well and drinks red bull and other energy drinks. Mum doesnt seem to put many limits on anything. He can be quite rude to her and swears at her, but she swears at him too and has said some horrible things about him being mixed race that I think could be seen as racist. His dad isnt involved at all so theres nobody else there to keep an eye on things. I dont want much to do with mum anymore because of how she behaves but I cant just stop caring about my brother.

Ive tried speaking to her properly, not just having a go at her. Ive asked what the plan is for his education and what she thinks hes going to do when hes older. She says he learns from life and the internet and that not everyone needs qualifications. When I asked him what he wanted to do he said make money online and that he doesnt need school. Mum agreed with him. I tried explaining that he might change his mind and that he needs options but she said I was being negative and trying to make him fit into a system that wasnt right for him.

Ive reported concerns to social services a few times and contacted his primary school when he was still on roll but nothing seems to have changed. I dont know what they did with the information or whether anything was followed up. I dont want to keep making reports just for the sake of it because its obvious its me, not other family are involved and if nothing is done mum could cut contact with me. but whenever I see him hes more into this stuff and seems to have less going on outside his bedroom. Im worried about his education, who hes talking to online and the way mum speaks to him.

I was lucky enough to have my dad and stepmum give me some stability and I feel awful that my brother hasnt had the same. I dont want to look back in a few years and wish Id done more but Is there anything else I can realistically do? Im genuinely worried about where hes heading and I dont know how to help him when mum wont listen.

Can you take him out and do stuff with him? Take up a sport together?

I am sorry to hear this. You are a good sibling for thinking of your brother.

It sounds like he’s not getting a proper education at home and there may be some other issues of welfare concern as well.

You at least have your dad and stepmum,
but it sounds he has nobody else in his life looking out for him. I get that you are worried about the consequences for yourself (you don’t say how old you are?) but I think you are going to have to be brave and take a risk here for your brother’s sake.

If you are over 16 yourself, which I assume you are, I think you should contact something called the Education Welfare team which will be part of the Children’s Services department of your local council. In some councils this might instead be called the Children Missing Education team. If you ring up your council switchboard phone number and ask which one they have, they will put you through to the right people.

You must tell the team about your worries about your brother. Try to be as factual as possible - that he has not been to school for years and appears to have no learning programme apart from roaming unsupervised on the internet. They will be able to look into his education situation and will also get in touch with other people within Children’s social services who can check up on his welfare in other areas.

If you are under 16, then you need to tell all this to an independent adult that you trust - ideally a teacher at your own school.

He is being badly let down by his parent/s here. Sounds like there is zero actual education going on and a raft of online addictions and probably dodgy context being seen. Contact the people suggested above.

I had to temporarily off-roll and electively home school my DD for 3 months earlier this year (long story as to why this was needed but I got a private tutor to make sure her education was up to standard) and anyway, as the law apparently has recently changed, I had to have two meetings with the EHE department of the council so that they could check what work was being provided for her. Is this not happening with your brother?

This is emotional neglect in its entirety, that poor boy. He’s going to struggle for the rest of his life because of your mum’s choices and will almost certainly never have a career. It’s breathtaking that this can be allowed to happen…..

This is awful and I don't understand how Children's Services are not involved. Has your mum told the local authority that she is home schooling ?
You could try to reporting this to the NSPCC -

NSPCC Helpline : Call 0808 800 5000 (Monday–Friday, 10:00 am – 4:00 pm) or email [email protected].

Report to NSPCC. It’s educational neglect if nothing else but sounds like more.

They’ll do fuck all.

What upsets me is that the laws around home education are so lax in the UK. We are almost unique in Europe on this. There are very vocal and aggressive parents among the home ed crowd who resist all attempts by the local authority to check up on what they are doing, citing their legal right to home educate without having to provide a reason, and with very little oversight.

Having said that, if the council EW (Education Welfare) or EHE (Elective Home Education) teams have reason to believe that a child is not receiving adequate education, they do have a legal responsibility to intervene and act.

That isn’t the law in England. You must give an annual report, this can be in person or on paper. You don’t need to meet with anyone.

She’s grooming him to be a stay at home companion for her as she ages . Is your dad his dad too ? If not can whoever his father is support your reports to social services ?

you sound lovely. He is lucky to have you even if he doesn’t know it yet

You are right to be concerned. A good sister looking out for her brother. I dread to think what his future will be with no education, qualifications and hardly any interaction with others to be picking up social skills and making friends. Plus it sounds like an awful environment to be in if he’s subjective to racism and swearing. No wonder he’s swearing at your mum and vaping etc. It sounds as if your mum is doing an awful job of parenting him and it’s awful for him that his dad is not involved in his life at all.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do other than report him to the local authority home schooling and children’s services for select as I assume there is no one else to look after him etc. Is there any relatives on your mum’s sides that you can talk to about this? Your grandparent or aunt/uncle? Is there another trusted adult you could talk to? A friend’s parent or teacher (depending on his old you are)?

I would carry on reporting. How do you report it? Would it be a good idea sending an email rather than phoning, or vice versa?

Good luck but remember you can only do so much. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to solve this.

I would be very worried about him reading yaoi at this age as it does tend to be explicit even if they censor the most explicit bits.

So what is your mum planning on doing when he is a useless layabout who will not be able to get any form of employment in the future? She is very much setting him up to fail in life and either be on the streets or a grotty 1 bed flat when she dies.

Sorry but if hes not been assessed in all this time, then its sheer laziness. Right to choose can diagnose quickly within matter of months. Your mum isn't advocating for him and just making labels up.

It's hardly the biggest problem. He hasn't been educated for years. Op should report her mother.