Unsure if this is drifting from being a friendship

[LuLu345678]

Hi I’m looking for some objective views please.
I broke up with an ex a few months ago. I became friends with one of her friends towards the end of the relationship as we ran into each other at an event by chance and built our own connection. I’ve hung out with her once since the break up for an afternoon. We are all queer women btw.
Before we met up she made it clear to me that her loyalty lies with my ex which was strange as I knew they didn’t speak anymore and they share some mutual friends but that’s it. She has since admitted that they don’t really speak anymore only if they run into each other through friends. My ex also confirmed they have massively drifted and has accused me of turning her friend against her as apparently this friend changed towards her after running into me at the event but I think it’s just a coincidence as I have never spoken badly about my ex to this friend.
She also said that my ex told her I liked her as just a friend.
anyway, since I spend time with this friend last week (first time since the break up, second time overall). She has been messaging me most days. Very long voice notes and very open. Almost like we are best friends but I don’t speak to my closest friends this often or on this much detail.
Also when we met one on one since the break up we were laughing and joking sat next to each other and she patted me on my upper thigh.
im starting to worry that there may be romantic feelings involved for her? But I’m not sure. The messages are very platonic and no flirting or anything like that. She asks me about her dating life and she tells me about people she is speaking to on hinge. Im also worried that even if there isn’t romantic feelings involved of whether this is really respectful to my ex and how the mutual friend group might react to our sudden bond.
I know queer woman are known to build fast emotionally intimate friendships but I am quite newly out so don’t have much experience of this to go on. Does anyone have any view or advice please?

@LuLu345678 You don't say whether you reciprocate the romantic feelings, or whether you want this to continue as a friendship. If the latter, you need to be clear about your boundaries now before it drifts even further.

If she's talking about her dating life, this could be a way of signalling that she is open to a new relationship, which would make me cautious if I didn't want one with her.

My ex also confirmed they have massively drifted and has accused me of turning her friend against her as apparently this friend changed towards her after running into me at the event but I think it’s just a coincidence as I have never spoken badly about my ex to this friend. She also said that my ex told her I liked her as just a friend.

This all sounds a bit toxic, which isn't surprising where an ex is involved. I think this is a friendship you should draw back from. I don't think you can trust what she is saying.

Im also worried that even if there isn’t romantic feelings involved of whether this is really respectful to my ex and how the mutual friend group might react to our sudden bond.

You shouldn't let a relationship that is over dictate how you continue to live your life - everyone needs to move on. The mutual friend group may feel torn or in a position where they need to take sides - don't involve them in any discussions about your ex and don't be drawn into talking about her with them. Ultimately if you have found happiness with your ex's friend, either as a close friend or as a romantic partner, the other friends, if they're real friends, should be happy for you and your ex will have to accept the situation, understandable though any resentment on her part might be.

I think you need to work out how you feel, rather than trying to decode how she feels. I understand that this extended group is quite close but I don’t think anyone can be dictating to anyone else who dates who when everybody is free and single. If you see what I mean.

But before any of that, work out whether you want to be this person‘s friend at all (sounds intense!) And whether you would be romantically interested in them. You’ve got some power here, you can push things back into being friends or acquaintances if you want.