Grandchild fairness

[hedgerow8]

If you have lots of Grandchildren, especially split across several of your children, how do you manage spending time with them all? are you proactive or tend to let each family lead/come to you? How do you keep things feeling fair, especially if some live close and others far away…
interested to hear some perspectives from grandparents (and parents too)

It sounds as though you’re writing an article and want some quotes @hedgerow8. If you’re after advice would you like to share a bit of information about what’s going on with this in your life?

Sorry I guess that’s just my style of communication 😂 let’s just say I’m someone’s daughter in law and trying to work out what’s normal without giving myself away

I live in the same village as one of my DDs and 45 minutes drive from the other. Inevitably, I see more of my very local DGC. However, I make a conscious effort to spend regular and ad hoc time with the other family, both because I love them and want to see them but also with the intention of trying to be fair about the amount of support I can give each of them.

Surely there are so many variables to consider you can’t really compare?

Geographical proximity, age of children, how available they are, whether the parents would like childcare or not, how busy each family is overall, relationships with ILS.

Ok will try to narrow it down a bit more!

all good relationships with ILs, everyone gets on really well.

grand children similar ages, some local and some 2+ hours away.

As PP said there are loads of variables.

But from my own experience, one thing that always bugged me is my DC not getting any alone time with their GPs, and I don’t mean childcare, I was happy to be there too, but they always had the other GC around.

We lived further away (for work) and I completely understood that meant that MIL & PIL would be on hand to help SIL with school runs etc and we wouldn’t get that support, not a problem.

What I didn’t think was fair is that they would NEVER drive to ours, they would happily drive around Europe, but not to our house 🙄 So we had to pack up the car with baby paraphernalia/kids stuff and make the trip, and then SILs DC would ALWAYS be invited at the same time.

PIL now wonder why they’re not close to my adult DC and it’s because they didn’t build a relationship with them. I’m not sure my DC have ever had a meal with my ILs that their cousins weren’t present at. Cousins have now fallen out with ILs (for various reasons) ILs are looking to other GC to fill that gap and the other GC (not just our DC) don’t know them 🤷‍♀️

@TurtleMcTurtlemy mum and dad are dead now. I lived close to them and they saw my kids a lot. My sister lived a few hours away. When she came to visit I’d always turn up with my kids. All kids and adults got on and had a good time. It was only recently, now we are in our 60s, my sis said she wished she’d had some time with her kids and my parents without me n mine always being there. I took no offence and just did not realise this at the time! I wasn’t invited I’d just turn up!

Honestly this has really made me stop and think.

I do the exact same thing. I assumed it was nice to have everyone together and for the cousins to see each other.

Me also, family on both sides live away. I always thought it was lovely to get altogether, and cousins love seeing each other. Maybe I’ll need to check in the future

What do you mean by fair?

All should be welcome, but of someone lives close by, someone further away, some likes to plan day trips together while others prefer sport clubs over the weekend, some children are easy to mind and some impossible to mind in the same age...

It will never be 100% fair.

Sorry, I can't answer without giving myself away.

This is happening in my family too. Unfortunately my children are now realising who the favourite is (not them) and seeing how they are treated differently, despite us never mentioning it. It's resulted in DP not wanting to visit, and as they hardly come here we don't see them much any more.

I understand it's lovely to have everyone together, but it doesn't give grandparents/children time to get to know each other without the ones who are always there around.

There’s definitely times for joint family occasions and all the cousins playing together etc is lovely. I would often organise these myself.

BUT, if the (now adult) child and the grandkids are NEVER getting any alone time with the grandparents, because the other adult-child and grandkids always come round (sometimes uninvited @CrowsInMyGarden😱) then it just doesn’t leave room for the relationships to deepen. Grandkids are always in another room/the garden playing and the grandparents simply don’t spend any quality time with them; it’s such a shame.

These fishing 🎣 posts are a pain. Just tell us what is bothering you and you’ll get better responses. Something obviously is or you wouldn’t have posted.

🤣

It depends, I wouldn't expect GPs to spend equal time with all grandchildren in that situation as it isn't really possible due to geography. It's easy to babysit for an evening if you live 5 min away a 2+ hour journey blocks any last minute arrangements.

But I would expect all grandchildren be treated equally in terms of.gifts etc... and I would hope that GPs would make time for the distant grandchildren if they were visiting the GPs not just lump them all together with the local grandchildren.

I guess love/ treating equally when together is more important than just logging equal hours.

We live further away and my parents help my DB with childcare so they see more of his DC, they lived with our parents for a little while too, after his marriage broke down.

He was the one that brought up the fact my DC needed time with their GP without his DC being there, it never crossed my mind tbh. I’m grateful he did recognise it.