Massive hand hold needed

[Lunalara]

I don’t know what I will achieve in writing this, but to say I am lost is an understatement. I am approaching 30, and it feels like nothing is going well for me apart from my friends. That can change at any point though, especially at my age:

1. My partner and I have been dating for coming up to 6 years, yet no mention of marriage. He is otherwise a very good person to have in my life, and to be honest with everything else, it is probably better to have him than not.
2. Lots of trauma due to various incidents in my life. Nearly died at 19 due to a nasty bout of glandular fever that put me in anorexia not by choice. Then I was near a terrorist incident on my year abroad. Cant make this stuff up…
3. Rejected a lot in social groups, most likely due to undiagnosed autism as they seemed to make their minds up about me without me saying anything a lot of the times. Less of an issue now that I have good friends, but still affected me a lot. Meanwhile those who bullied me seemingly went on to have perfect lives (that I know aren’t really perfect, but certainly more than mine is).
4. I am trying to improve my career by putting myself out there. Not working out even though I am really trying here and stressing over the fact I am not good enough.

I have tried to seek mental health help, but the NHS has deemed me a non-priority case, and I can’t afford therapy while I am paying a good £200+ in driving lessons a month.

I have felt extremely low about the circumstances of my life. I know I can’t just keep wallowing about things, but equally there is a limit to what I can take. I am also proactively trying to change things, but nothing gets better. Nobody in my life cares about me enough. I feel like if I disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn’t be noticed.

On paper, it sounds like you are doing well for yourself at 30, even if it doesn't feel like it. You have a job, you have friends, you have a boyfriend and are learning to drive. This is so much more than many others have. Don't be fooled by social media or what others tell you.....so many people look like they have everything figured out but are utterly miserable on the inside.

We all get rejected by people at some point in life and you learn how to deal with it and not take it personally as you get older. Mariage is also overrated! Be nice to yourself and proud of how far you've come.

I don’t have a job at the moment. Probably should have clarified that. I haven’t been unemployed for ages though. Less than a year.

That’s what I think. Better that he is right for me than rush to marriage. It still hurts though, and 6 years is hardly rushing.

Often, men don't feel the same urgency for marriage as women sometimes do. You're not even 30, it's probably not really on his radar. If you want it, you need to lay it on the line and and have the conversation about it.

You have good friends! Most people face social rejection of some sort in their lives and it is hurtful - we are social animals who want to be liked and feel that we belong. You're certainly not alone in having experienced this, but you've found your people now, and that's great. Don't believe everything you see on SM about people's lives! Also, if it's making you feel bad about yourself, unfollow them! The best revenge is a life well lived.

The job market is really difficult right now, try not to take it personally and keep plugging away.

Have you tried journalling your thoughts and feelings or put it all into an AI platform to talk it through on the meantime? I've heard a lot of people are turning to ChatGPT or whatever for therapy, although I have no experience with this and am in no way qualified to advise this.

Oops, sorry - should have read that better. If you've been out of employment for less than a year, you'll hopefully find a job in no time. Have you talked to your GP yet or thought about going on medicine to help, if you can't get therapy?

Marriage isn’t everything. Not sure I’d have bothered if I had my time again. You have a good relationship, you have friends. You have things to be grateful for.

Also I didn’t really start on my career until I was your age.

I am just starting a career change / retraining and older than you, also will have to start from the bottom.

I was married but it was abusive, so whilst a lot of people envied me as I looked I had it all, behind closed doors it was hell.

I have no friends, not a single one.

Yet I am actually really happy because of my mindset I focus on everything else that is going right in my life, no matter how small they are.

You are on the right track, keep it up and focus on everything that keeps you happy.

For your mental health, write a diary and make a list of everything that went well each day, anything that made you laugh or smile etc.

As for anything that didn't go well, write down how you can try to do things differently next time. This has helped me a lot, I hope it also helps you feel better x

You say no mention of marriage- have you not brought it up with him, if it’s something you want?

What does “near a terrorist incident on my year abroad” mean?

Im sorry about your illness but apart from that nothing you have written here makes your life look that bad.

The shooter was an ex police force and decided to get revenge on the police force by shooting at the public (doesn’t make much sense, but there we are). Thankfully not much happened, but it was because he was in a heavy police force area. He did injure people with the gun. Maybe if I was living in a different country like The US, this stuff wouldn’t be traumatising to me. But I am not used to hearing random gunshots when I am going about my day.

He doesn’t want to talk about it, which I think concerns me more than timelines. But ultimately if we are a good match otherwise, maybe it’s just best to go with the flow, even if I end up missing out on things.

I’m still not sure what you mean by being ‘near’ the terror attack?

Re; marriage, if it’s something you want don’t be so passive! If you’re on different pages it’s better to find out for sure so you can go and find someone who wants what you want. Going with the flow is just a fancy way of saying settling.

He has said that he wants marriage, just not yet. I read on other posts that it means he may not ever want to marry me, but I can’t read his mind. He may mean what he says.

But there are two people in the relationship. He may not want to talk about it, but you do. So talk about it. Tell him you’re moving on if he’s not interested in marriage. Why hang about?

I have tried to, but everytime I do he judges my character for it. Calling me impatient.

Sorry but if after six years he’s saying “not yet” I don’t think he wants to marry you. What’s he waiting for?

He is younger than me and only got his first grad job recently, so there is a world where he is being honest, but it’s hard to tell sometimes.

He doesn’t sound very nice, or at the least not very mature. You can’t be in a serious relationship with someone and repeatedly shut them down when they raise things that are important to them.