Anyone on here who loses possessions all the time?

[BerryTwister]

Please can you give me an insight into how it happens, so I can work on not feeling so angry with DS?!

DS is 17, and all his life he’s lost stuff. PE kit, coats, uniform, school bag, football kit, water bottles, shoes, phone, keys - if he’s not actually wearing something, it’s in danger of getting left behind. He loses the things he cares about as frequently as the things he doesn’t care about. Sometimes I make him pay for replacements, especially now he’s older and has a part time job.

It drives me insane. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told him that if you’ve been somewhere, and you’re leaving, you look back at where you were to see if you’ve left anything behind. But week after week he loses more stuff.

He’s had an ADHD assessment, and he has some traits but not enough to give him a definite diagnosis.

Can anyone who loses things tell me how it happens, so I can try and understand DS, rather than just getting annoyed? And is there anything that might help? He’s hoping to go away to uni next year and I honestly think he’ll have lost most of his possessions by Christmas!

I'm 45 and I am diagnosed but I can't give you the insights you're asking for. I can't tell you what I don't do that others, who don't lose things, do. Or vice versa.

Drilling it into him to check an area before going might help but it won't be foolproof.

I am the world’s biggest loser. Everything. It’s so bloody frustrating. However, as I’ve got older I’m now also the world’s greatest finder! Not usually of my own things, granted, but I find stuff everywhere! Trained myself to look for things to a really high standard, even if I can’t prevent the losses.

@Willweeverfindout what actually causes you to lose things? For example, DS will sit at a tablet in a free period at school, have a file and pencil case in front of him, study for an hour, then get up, put the file in his bag, and leave the pencil case behind. How? How can he not see the pencil case right there in front of him, still on the table?

I lose things on a regular basis. I'm quite good at doggedly searching for them and often finding them. But if I'm particularly stressed or upset I lose things in really stupid ways when I'm out of the house and these things are lost for good.

I'm autistic and I am pretty sure I am AuDhd. This is a late life diagnosis. So it's relatively recently that I learnt that my life long problem with losing things was actually rooted in my neurodiversity. In one respect this has made me feel better. But it doesn't take away from me worrying over the things I've lost.

This week for instance I had to go into the city, which in itself was stressful for me, for an appointment I was hyped up about. And of course left my favourite umbrella in the toilet cubicle at the station. And since then I've been obsessing about the stupidity of doing that and the knock on effect has been to loose my phone in the house multiple times and loose an earring , which luckily I've managed to find. Now the central heating boiler has packed in and the stress I'm feeling over that means i will be losing goodness knows what and doing really stupid things because I'm not in control ofmyself atm

So Ican totally understand your DS leaving things behind. It's as though the brain is just too busy with other things, too much going on in it.

Just because that's how some brains are, especially when young.

You know the likely reason for him: He’s had an ADHD assessment, and he has some traits but not enough to give him a definite diagnosis.

I think you might need to work on your levels of judgement and criticism if you want to support him to put strategies in place for himself. The more frustrated you get, the worse you'll make him feel, then the harder it is for him to reflect on it himself.

He probably has ADHD you have answered your own question op. It’s not his fault. He’s not trying to annoy you. He needs coping mechanisms not anger.

So no one can tell me how it happens? How you can literally look at the cafe table you’re just vacating, see your coat on the chair you were sitting on, and walk away, leaving your coat behind? If feel that if I could understand how it happens I could get less frustrated.

No, but if anyone can tell me where i have put my suitcase padlock before i go on my travels tomorrow id be grateful.

I would say he is overwhelmed with school or that all his mental energy is focused on that so it affects his executive function and working memory. Perhaps he could train himself into a habit to take a beat and try and look around when he leaves the classroom. Or perhaps he could he set an alarm on a phone, have it buzzing in his pocket if it doesn't break the rules. Mindfulness may also help.

I've lost dozens of things, mostly umbrellas and sunglasses. Quite bad with jewellery and earrings too. If I have an extra bag on the train I have to set an alarm to remind me not to walk off without it. Once though, my bag didn't even make it onto the train and was left in my car boot at the station.

Glasses
Sunglasses
Pens

"I had it a minute ago" is my middle name.

Do some reading around ADHD @BerryTwister .
He's losing things because of his ADHD traits.
I'm guessing he doesn't have object permanence.
If he wears glasses do you think he could see without them if he just tried harder to see better?

I feel for your son... Its so upsetting and stressful to be like this....
I am .....on my 4th purse this year already..never mind the sets of keys at 5 neighbours...
I am a good finder though most of the time...dc less so but assume thats years of practice
.drove my mum mad when I was a teen..which made things worse and also damaged our relationship as well ...
One of my dc is the same ... dyspraxic rather than adhd but it's very similar in some respects..
Even knowing this internally I sigh...and had to do a lot of coaching with DH as he just isn't like it all and just got frustrated..

Things that have helped are tiles/air tags.. keys and wallet all have and actually have a chain that connects to trousers. Same for any vags. Black Friday coming soon often offers...and are Christmas presents too..
Maturity........ significantly improved uni age although 1st year awful think got bulk discount on access cards lost so many..

Chanting a mantra before walking out of any building....and training in retracing steps once calm ... And contingency planning...and being comfortable with asking for help..... that is a real skill for teens...dc ended up knowing the lost property team really well at school... So much that they could recognise their stuff when found .

Equally the recognition that its generally just stuff ...we all do it and make it less stressful situation.....

For me I think it’s a mixture of crowded thoughts, so where your maybe thinking “Time to go, I’ll get my coat bag and glasses and then go to the bakery for bread”

I’m thinking “Time to go, I’ll get my coat, aww look at that dog, did I turn my straighteners off? what are we having for tea again, mustn’t forget my coat, I must’ve turned my straighteners off, oh look we need bread and there’s a bakery over there” and I’ll wander off without my coat.
Couple that with if I can’t see things I forget about them. If I’m putting something in my bag and the bag blocks my book from sight chances are I’ll walk off without the book.
I found a £200 scooter the other day that I’d bought for one of the kids for Christmas and put away and forgotten about, my kids are adults and teenagers and haven’t scooted for years. I wish it was an isolated incident.
I have to work really hard to focus and stay on task and put loads of things in place to help me remember what I’m doing.
Annoyingly I can also find other people’s things really easily, can remember what people said in conversations decades ago and remember song lyrics and advert jingles easily. Can’t recall what time I need to be at the dentist if I’ve just got off the phone to the dentist and cannot for the life of me learn times tables.

I rarely lose things these days because everything has a place and I am rigid about putting things away exactly where I got them from.
It’s been hard yards to train it in to myself but it’s the only thing that’s worked.

The way I think of it, there is a difference between what your eyes see and what the brain makes it mean. The brain filters out lots of extraneous information and only focuses on the things it thinks is important in that moment.

for example, some of my friends know that I scatter things so when I get up to go , they look around for what I’ve forgotten. I see them do it but still don’t actually see my umbrella still hooked in the back of my chair.

my coping strategies include a number of different checklists by the door. My phone on a lanyard round my neck. My keys clipped to my best. My work id on an extending lanyard.

tiles like AirTags on everything. Enable messages when I move away from something g that is tagged.

the struggle is real and I’m 66 now.

We decided to get a EF Coach for my husband. We tried other routes and reminders but we need something more structured. The coach is wonderful and it’s been a huge help. If you find the right fit, coaching can be very effective.

Sounds like my DS with ADHD - you have to try to understand he’s not doing it on purpose.

I get how annoying it is and he does need to develop strategies to help. I have stopped buying new PE kit - he just gets stuff out of lost property!

I have ADHD. I don’t have a wallet for example as I always lose it.

I have learnt to check around every place I leave but that took years of losing expensive items!

Now I won’t buy expensive sunglasses or jewellery as I will just lose it.