TW* abortion

[holidayhelp123]

TRIGGER WARNING TALKS OF ABORTION

posting here for traffic as never got much response in pregnancy choices.

Has anybody ever went through an abortion that they weren’t 100% sure on and been OK? I dont normally suffer from any mental health issues but I am terrified whatever decision I make whether it be termination or continue.

Very early on with baby number 4. Its definitely a head vs heart. I felt happy when I so those lines and I feel I could do this. My husband however is not, he will absolutely support whatever decision I make but has been clear on his feelings and is not sure how he’d feel or if he’ll come round… it feels like such a gamble.

He is a very hands on hard working husband and dad. He just dosent want our lifes to change - current kids are all in school more independent sleeping well and we definitely have more freedom now.

I know he is right and I am worried the impact it would have on our family. 1 DS has mild disabilities to and the worry of how we’ll manage and if this baby could be the same… but my argument is we managed with 3 much smaller age gaps and then DH worked a lot more, his works much more flexible now.

I’m not worried financially, we would need a bigger car probably so that would maybe leave us with less disposable income but we do have a nice life and enjoy it and I think we still could… dh not so sure with holidays etc. I also work but only part time and DH is main earner.

I just want honest opinions of people who have been in similar situations…
Will dh come round?
Is it MUCH harder going 3 - 4?
Can you come back from a termination and life just goes back to normal?

I’ve never felt so confused

Congrats on your pregnancy. I cant help but didnt want to read and run. You are not sure, you can do it financially (which would be the main factor for me personally), i think you would regret the abortion..Sorry..

I stopped at two because I was older and the risk of disabilities rises with age. I didn't want to roll the dice again and adversely affect my current children's quality of life if I had significantly less time for them.
Given your husband isn't on board, you aren't totally set on having a fourth, and already have a lot on your plate I personally wouldn't carry on with this pregnancy.

Thankyou both, really appreciate any and all honest comments

I aborted our 4th two years ago, we could have afforded financially but I knew my husband wouldn’t manage with another , from the moment I took the initial tablet I knew it was a mistake.
I honestly struggle daily with the decision I made and carry a new wave of grief and trauma that I can’t put into words. I have never told anybody about it and whilst I support that everybody should have the choice, it will forever be the biggest regret and heartache of my life.
Our marriage has never really recovered and my feelings towards my husband have changed forever.
I wish someone in the entire process encouraged me to truly think about the decision I was making instead of repeatedly referring to my baby as “matter’, that still haunts me to this day.

I have also suffered a miscarriage but the physical trauma was much more brutal than the miscarriage, I was naive in what I thought would physically happen as I was only 7 weeks.

Please don’t rush into any decision and be really honest with the consequences to your physical and mental health in both scenarios, be gentle to yourself. Majority of women who have an abortion it is the right decision for them so please don’t think I am sharing my story to discourage you, I just would never want anyone to live with the regret and pain that I now do on a daily basis as I was guided completely by fear and rushed into the process.

Please do reach out if you’d like a chat and seek the support that you deserve ♥️

@GladBear thankyou so much for this. I just know if DH said we can do this, we will manage it will be OK then i’d feel much better. He has said he will stand by us regardless of the choice I make and he knows its my decision - but that does not make it any easier. Do I continue and hope that when baby comes, he falls in love? and risk if he dosent what will happen. On the flip side if i go down the termanation route - will I ever get over it ? I just dont know. I am only 5 weeks but I know I need to make this decision and i’ve never felt so sad. Probably partly because nobody in real life knows so its all kept to myself.

That is exactly how I felt, a part of me was holding out for husband to say it will all be okay we will make it work. When that never came I knew what that meant, he never suggested the abortion but never discouraged me either.
For me a lot of the trauma has come from his behaviour after, but I don’t think a man will ever be able to truly understand just quite how much it impact us. It affects them but differently, I completely understand how you are feeling.

I wish I knew what to say to make it any easier for you, looking back I wish I had looked at the bigger picture and not just the short term of pregnancy and newborn days.

I know a lady who fell unexpectedly with her third. Her partner is a total pig and did not do anything with their boys as younger kids - in fairness to him he is much better now they are older. He told her he would leave if she kept the baby and wanted nothing to do with any of them - she proceeded anyway and the baby has recently turned 1, the dad absolutely adores him, and he is much better with this baby than either of the other boys when they were younger. Please be gentle with yourself, you have plenty of time to decide you don’t need to make a decision today or this week. Have some serious chats with your husband. I think him saying he will support you in whatever decision you make suggests he is not absolutely hard no-ing the fourth baby. Xx

I had an abortion and have never really got over it. Many women are either OK or find a way to cope with the grief. I have learned to live with it but I suspect I've paid a heavy mental and emotional price. Sorry you're going through this 💐

I couldn't do it personally, sorry I can't answer from experience - just based on what I read from your post, I'm not reading anything remotely like a "need" to terminate. But it is your choice and I don't think you should dwell on it if you do go through with it (or feel guilt). But.. please don't decide based on what anyone else needs or wants.

Thankyou so much. Im so torn and really appreciate any and all views

I did terminate my third pregnancy. This was my choice but my husband did want me to as well. I don’t regret it. There are brief times, very brief, where I think ‘what if’ but I know I did the right thing at the time for my family and for me.

why put that in chat?

@jetlag92for traffic, like I wrote in my post. Pregnancy choices did not gauge much responses this is a busier forum so tried here

I had an abortion years ago and a miscarriage and now no children.

I was very young (17) but I still regret the abortion. I’m now 55.

@holidayhelp123 how are you doing? Whats on your mind today?

Yes , although it would have been my first so not very close to your.position. We are now married and have three healthy children. It was definitely the right thing for me / us and it sounds as though it could be for you. You've got your freedom back, as in they don't need so much support from you although I see you say one has some mild disability.

Can genuinely say the would -have-been baby doesn't enter my mind at all. Perhaps for a few minutes when answering questions such as this, but day-to-day, nope. You have three lovely children and I can completely understand why you are considering a termination.

Whenever I have a dilemma like this I write down all the pros and cons. Even when you have a list and clearly a lot more of one than the other, sometimes you will have put a point in the pro or the con side and as soon as you write it, you know that it has swung the decision. Regardless of the numbers, one factor often stands out as making the whole decision for you..

Yes , although it would have been my first so not very close to your.position. We are now married and have three healthy children. It was definitely the right thing for me / us and it sounds as though it could be for you. You've got your freedom back, as in they don't need so much support from you although I see you say one has some mild disability.

Can genuinely say the would -have-been baby doesn't enter my mind at all. Perhaps for a few minutes when answering questions such as this, but day-to-day, nope. You have three lovely children and I can completely understand why you are considering a termination.

Whenever I have a dilemma like this I write down all the pros and cons. Even when you have a list and clearly a lot more of one than the other, sometimes you will have put a point in the pro or the con side and as soon as you write it, you know that it has swung the decision. Regardless of the numbers, one factor often stands out as making the whole decision for you..

I have had 3 abortion at various times. Two I knew were 100% the right thing but the third was an accidental pregnancy when my 3rd dd was just 15 weeks old. My DH say me down and told me it was my choice but listed all of the reasons why it was a bad idea. I knew I couldn’t bring a baby into the world that he didn’t want AND he was totally right about the reasons but I did want that baby. The day I went they had made a mistake and I wasn’t even booked in. They squeezed me in and then the fire alarm went off and it was suspended until the following day. I went back and was stuck behind a car accident and was late. I told myself it was a a sign and I should keep the pregnancy but ultimately I went ahead with it. I cried for a few weeks after and became depressed for a few months BUT with hindsight I knew it was the correct thing and my DH was right. Our circumstances changed and I went on to have a 4th but I’d always wanted 5 kids. He said he wanted a vasectomy. I said ok. The night before he got cold feet and said he’d coated his mind. I made him get the vasectomy and it 100% was the correct thing. We are still together now after 26 years and our youngest is a 18 and the only one left at home. Our life is great and I still love him deeply.

Thankyou. I think i know I cant go down this route, I know I could manage and I feel I have no valid reason for ending this prenancy. I’m still early on so dont need to make any rush decisions but most of the comments say what I thought and I dont think I want to take the chance of living with regret and guilt.

appreciate everyone who has took the time to comment