How do you like yourself enough to do what's good for you?

[CrawlingFromShitshowToAfterglow]

Sorry - a bit of a weird title, but I don't know how to word it. I've had a stressful few years: kids with ND/disability, DH just getting the all clear this year from cancer, parents dying. My mental health took a serious nose-dive - to the extent at one point I was considering going to a bridge and throwing myself off. Thankfully, I'm not at that place anymore mentally.

Since childhood, I've always been a people pleaser, trying to please my parents for approval or other children for friendships or boyfriends for affection. I've always cared what others think of me. I'm disorganised, brain foggy, permanently stressed and anxious. I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD.

I don't drink as my father was a raging alcoholic and it's put me off. However, I eat a copious amount of sugar - biscuits, chocolates, ice cream, cakes, buns... all to the extent that I get sugar crashes where I fall asleep or get jittery or get headaches. I do this knowing full well how I'm going to feel afterwards and how much harm it'll do me. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing it deliberately to hurt myself. I know if I drank, I'd be pissed everyday.

I'm late-40s and don't want to go on like this. I want to start eating healthy (I cook healthy from scratch for my family every day, but my own dinner ends up being biscuits and crisps). I've signed up to the gym again and I want to make a difference from this week. But I don't think I care about myself enough to succeed.

How did you start to like yourself, care for yourself or even find out what you wanted? I feel like I don't have my own identity and probably never have had. I'm feeling really desperate now, so would be grateful for some advice.

I didn't want to read and run, and don't have the best advice, I just wanted to show solidarity and empathy. I'm in a very similar place. The one thing I will say - on my everyone quest for self discipline - when you actually have some self will and discipline and 'do the thing' - however small, it feels great.

Get diagnosed and medicated. I hated myself my whole life, with similar struggles to those you described. Was diagnosed last December. Gamechanger. Don't hate self anymore. Realise I'm actually completely fine. And my mind has stopped screaming at me all the time (at least when I'm on the medication.) I'd had all the therapy, done all the mindfulness, meditation, yoga, everything, but nothing hits like actually having a brain that functions properly. It will change you, and you will feel better.

Walk lots
joined a very swish gym
Get my hair done and Botox
eat well
see friends
book and enjoy holidays

have you ever tried enjoying a holiday with ND kids?
Even if you can afford it, it’s bloody hard work and certainly not relaxing!

I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD.

I thought you’d been diagnosed privately?

Multiple times.

I nearly died thanks to very poor NHS care at A&E. That was the ultimate trigger.
When it was mostly resolved I realised how much better I felt after some medical treatment and stopped drinking completely, which I had been using to self medicate a lot of symptoms. It meant I could see clearer what was physical and what was mental. I was quite lucky though as my friends at the time were doing the same thing for different reasons (bingeing) and one died just before I got very ill, so it was easier to distance from the other one, who began turning nasty to me just as I was getting better and no longer needed the crutch. I think it would have been a lot harder if I had to break out of that pattern with them both.

I now enjoy much more banal things, but actually that is, I think, what life is about. Appreciating nature by doing a walk is a kindness and appreciation we all need.

Would you consider looking into a diagnosis? I am AuDHD and a lot of things became clearer and easier to manage for me once I understood this a little more.

I find that living healthily is a virtuous circle- taking a step towards better health makes you feel better about yourself generally which in turn motivates you to take the next step. Also remember that you can do things without having the motivation to do them- ADHD brain feels like you can only operate with a dopamine spike but in fact you can just do things even without feeling any motivation. You can go to the gym and hate every minute and never feel motivated- the exercise still counts. I say this not to minimise how hard ADHD can make things but because I found it quite an empowering thing to realise. You feel stuck but you aren't. You can just do things, the dopamine comes later.

Most of that is only available to you if you have plenty of disposable income and you have the luxury of leisure time.

And given the Op makes zero reference to being short on either, not unreasonable to make the suggestions I have. They don’t work for you, cool. But I’m not suggesting things for you!

OP have you tried therapy at all? NHS only does 6 sessions which can be hit and miss, some very poor "counsellors" out there but might be worth a shot. I also just read about CFT which is all about compassion and feeling you are worthy. Might be worth looking at.

Hi, I’m a bit of a sugar addict as well and I have found the only way is to not have any sweet stuff at all.
I have got it under control by joining Slimpod online weight loss programme, you get 10 days free to try it, then you can sign up for life for about £100.
I try to think about what I’m going to eat either the night before or that morning, I don’t eat till about 11ish then hsve something on toast:- scrambled eggs, avocado withpoached, or if I’m in a rush crunchy peanut butter.. I always have protein as it keeps me going and stops hunger pangs and also sugar cravings.
But listen, I could go on here but definitely try Slimpod, there’s also a great community on Facebook.
As far as advice on caring for yourself, my philosophy is if you can’t care for yourself you can’t care for anyone else.
I look after myself, i shower and moisturise, I put on a bit of makeup, I go to the hairdressers regularly, I quite often buy myself flowers from the supermarket.
I get outside for a walk every day, which is pretty easy as I have a dog but I would do anyway.
Do one small thing for yourself every day, cut out sugar completely and you’ll be a new you… also the words of the advert
”You’re worth it” are very true.
Best of luck 🥰