Handhold and help please

[Veryoverwhelmedmummy]

I've posted about my DS, we've just had a horrible afternoon. He's just turned 8. He's been evaluated for ADHD and ASD, they say he just has a very high IQ and a tendency towards being contrary (sub-clinical) but otherwise nothing else on the assessment. I know I'm his "safe space" and he seems to take everything out on me, though he can also get cross with DH.

He's struggled with incontinence since experiencing a severe trauma. I know it brings him great shame. He's had therapy, seen paediatricians, physio, etc and it is still a struggle. This afternoon I went upstairs to help DD with something and when I came back I could smell he'd had a small accident. I asked him to go upstairs and get changed, he refused and it turned into an argument. I asked im to show me that he dind't need to change and he just lost it. Screaming, crying, raging, hitting and kicking me. With his fist over and over, grabbing at my neck. I tried to stay calm and block him and make sure DD was safe. It was really frightenign and I don't knwo what to do. DH is away at the mo and I am alone with the DC. He is upstairs crying and still won't change his clothes or use the toilet. I told him he's lost his lego (his favourite toy) and he kept hitting me with his fist and screaming.

I don't know what to do right now, or what sort of help to get. I know somewhere in my heart I love him but I don't want to be his parent and don't know how.

I try to be calm and not raise my voice. He comes down and asks for clean pants and screams and cries. I feel like this is not normal behaviour for an 8 yo. Professionals keep saying he's spirited and sensitive and to respect his autonomy and his sense of fairness. But what about fairness to his little sister who is ignored when all this is happening? Who sees her mummy be hit and punched and kicked by her brother? I read online that I should continue to be kind and approach this with humour. But I can't. I am physically hurt, I am sure I will be covered in bruises tomorrow. How can I give him a hug right now? I hate to hear him cry but this is just awful.

Bump?

Is this the DS who never has an accident at school; went entire summer hols without an accident and only had an accident when focused on something?

Op with every thread the behaviour gets more and more extreme whenever you are told that a lot of it sounded very normal for a 7 year old initially.

Is your DH still of the view that no assesssme t.

Thank you, yes that’s the same DS. I haven’t talked to DH. about todays incident, he is away today.

I should add he doesn’t have screen time (occasionally a Disney or Pixar movie) but no other media exposure so I don’t believe it’s coming from that

Offering a hand hold x

DS11 reacts in a similar way (diagnosed autistic, ADHD awaited)

Who diagnosed him as subclinical?

FWIW I’d be going for a second opinion

Has he had any therapy for the trauma?
Sounds like he was embarrassed about the accident and you asking to check. Doesn’t excuse the extreme behaviour though. Sounds scary.

Could you have a plan in place for when he has an accident. If he’s able to clean himself up I’d have large body wipes, clean clothes and sanitary bin for waste/ bag for his clothes. You could then just remind “ Your kit is in the bathroom” I take it he can shower?

When he’s calm you need to have the chat about no hitting etc. He needs to know that this is not acceptable. Could he have a punchbag or something in his room instead of hitting you?
Look at incredible 5 point scale resources to help him to recognise when he is getting angry.

You need to keep yourself and DC safe. If necessary lock yourselves in a room away from him once he escalates. Don’t say or do anything to provoke him once he’s raging such as issuing consequences.
Do school staff know that he’s like this at home? They may be able to help or offer strategies for emotional regulation.

Thank you Both
@itwasyourshowallalong I’m sorry you’ve experienced this but it does help to know I’m not alone. He was assessed by a well-regarded neuropsychologist who also specialises in 2E children, gifted children, etc. He’s also had extensive trauma therapy with an experienced therapist who did notice how quickly his mind moves and how intelligent he is but was not herself qualified to make a diagnosis.

@24Dogcuddler he doesn’t have the accidents often, I suppose I could make a change kit for him though he knows what to do. We have all been a bit run-down, I expect that played a part in his behaviour today (but obviously doesn’t excuse it.) I did put myself and DD in the lounge and carried DS out, the door doesn’t lock but I leaned against it so he couldn’t come in. I thought we might have the police called round there was so much yelling and banging 😭 This anger is new, we haven’t talked to school about it yet as it’s only just started. I reckon I might reach out to his trauma therapist to have her opinion as she knows him and us quite well.