Turned 40 and life gone downhill

[Wherehaveallthesatsumasgone]

I thought it was just career-related feeling down, but now I’ve realised it’s just life.

My 20s were rubbish. While everyone else (school and uni friends) seemed to be travelling, going out, making new friends, building their career, I lost my dad, got burgled twice (including assaulted the second time), moved to a new city for work and had no friends, moved again when I got married - still no friends and ended up off work with stress due to bullying manager, was in a career I hated, then got managed out when I had DC1.

My 30s were so much better (Covid aside). I cared less about what people thought, understood myself better, found a lovely group of friends, career changed to a job I loved, had DC2, DH got a new job he loves, generally started to feel like I was going somewhere. We’re not wealthy by any means but we can pay the bills and have the odd meal out and a budget holiday once a year.

I’m now 43. My career has stalled and there is literally no opportunity for progression, at the place I’m at or anywhere else, and I see people ten years younger than me and/or without kids getting promoted past me (in the sector in general). I’m stressed all the time. The house needs half its contents chucking but we never have time to do it. I feel ill half the time. Since DC1 went to secondary all my mum friends have dropped off the radar, never reply to anything. I found a new hobby but friends I made through that have moved away or stopped replying. Cost of living has gone up so much we’re now scraping by. I can’t seem to relax, my face looks increasingly saggy, I have excess weight I can’t shift (which I never had before 36), my mum is now ill, and I just can’t see how life can improve (bar a lottery win that would mean work didn’t matter so much). I love the DCs to bits but it all feels so never-ending, and I’m scared of what will be left of my life when they leave home.

If other people are getting promoted, it can’t be true that it’s impossible for you to progress in your career. Is career progression something you want? If so, you will need to work out what they are doing/have that you don’t, and make a plan to take you there.

You’ve already shown that you’re capable of making new friends. If your old ones are no longer interested (or - more likely - just busy and overwhelmed with life like you are) then you need to get yourself out there and make new ones, if that is important to you.

If your house is full of crap and having a nice house is important to you then you need to make time to sort stuff out. If your kids are secondary age you have the ability to make this time.

If your health and appearance are not where you want them to be then again, you need to make time and devote energy to sorting it.

I know life is hard, but you do sound very passive. If things are important to you then take steps to make them happen. Reflecting on how hard you have it is not going to change anything. Only you can decide whether change is important enough to you that you want to do something about it.

(edited for typos)

I know everyone will shoot me down in flames but..
Have you considered the feeling ill all the time and general despair might be peri menopause? I started around your age so thought I would suggest asking GP about it.

I also strongly recommend taking D3 vits at 4000 strength for a month if you are reluctant to try HRT, and see if that lifts you any. It helped me even on HRT. Most ppl in UK are deficient and it causes low mood and immunity issues.

My 20s were rubbish. While everyone else (school and uni friends) seemed to be travelling, going out, making new friends, building their career, I lost my dad, got burgled twice (including assaulted the second time), moved to a new city for work and had no friends, moved again when I got married - still no friends and ended up off work with stress due to bullying manager, was in a career I hated, then got managed out when I had DC1.

you don’t mention falling in love and having children during this period?

Practically to do alongside that, I would pay for a few hours with one of those house sorting women, someone like this https://www.youneedavicky.com/

She will go through with the kids how to declutter as well which will help longer term from the mess coming back. Sometimes it is easier to outsource so someone who does this all the time, to take the mental load off.

That was in her 30s.

Excercise a little every day (even a walk) and Botox and teeth whitening. This will be a great start to feeling better.
ask one of your children to take charge of a declutter and sell stuff and they can keep
jhalf the profits if you do a car boot sale or Facebook market place etc

No. Read the thread

clearly dc1 In 20s

You sound very much like a glass half empty sort of person. As pp said, you could have described your 20's as a time when you got married and had your first child. Instead you focus on what you didn't achieve. You mention the death of your Dad so I assume thst is part of the reason you didn't go travelling or chase something more exciting. Do you think that has had a bigger impact on your ability to be happy than you might currently recognise? Are you depressed or prone to feeling depressed and defeated?

Life doesn't change for you, you have to make the change and that takes effort. How can you make small changes now to make your life better? Exercise? Massive house declutter and decorate. Retrain?

How are you trying to help OP?

In answer to some comments:
Yes, getting married was a highlight. Probably wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for DH!
Losing my dad had a massive impact - partly because I kind of lost my mum at the same time. The roles have been mostly reversed between us ever since.
Peers being promoted is because they all devote more time to self-promotion than I can, and say yes to things I can’t (because of the DC). I can’t think of anyone doing similar to me with two DC (it’s a very small industry!) - there might be some, but ones who got established before DC.
I get out for a decent walk every day. Eat pretty healthily. Would love to join a gym (I used to go before DC2 but don’t have the spare money or time now)