Excluding family members from your will

[Strawberrryfields]

I understand that your money is your money and after death you can choose to leave it to whoever you choose. However should people be more transparent about their wills in life so the family don’t aren’t left guessing in death? Have you shared your wishes with anyone verbally, shared a copy of your will, or is it under lock and key? If your will is private is there anything you think will come as a surprise to those left behind? (A good or bad surprise).

When wills are seen as last wishes or a parting gift from the deceased it can feel like a big FU to someone who is left out or left much less with no clear explanation. I’m thinking siblings or grandchildren being left out or given unequal shares. Or read a different thread where a childless uncle left money to two nephews but not a niece. Is it an oversight? Did they know it would cause hassle and they didn’t want to deal with it? Is it unreasonable, cowardly even, to stir up dramas you can predict but won’t live to see, leaving everyone else to deal with it?

Whenever I go the last thing I’d want to do is leave family with arguments of resentment. If I was doing something I felt might be interpreted as unusual or unfair I’d bite the bullet and tell the people while I was alive so my actions were not misinterpreted.

Are people secretive because they feel people will treat them differently in life?

Or is it just no one else’s business and that’s that. Interested what people think!

I think some excellent advice around writing an "unfair" will is to write a letter of wishes to go alongside it. This would state something like "I chose not to include niece/son/grandchild number 3 in my will as a beneficiary because (insert reason)"

That way the will is harder to legally contest and no one can argue that the un-named relatives were accidentally forgotten about.

@WaffleMacGubbins thats the advice I was given because, in my case, one sibling is a beneficiary and two are not. So the will just names the beneficiaries but the letter explains the exclusions.

Oh I’ve not heard of this before but at least then there’s an explanation and family aren’t left to fill in the gaps.

My mums will is not shared equally between her children. One has been left the minimal amount as they are an addict and will just get off their face and waste the money.

my aunts will wasn’t split evenly, she left x amount to her dhl children, siblings then left a hugely expensive piece of jewellery to one of her great nieces and none of the others.

surely the persons wishes should be respected. An inheritance isn’t a given right,

In your case was everyone clear that the letter existed before the person died? Had they shared their intentions verbally at all?

Did they know it would cause hassle and they didn’t want to deal with it? Is it unreasonable, cowardly even, to stir up dramas you can predict but won’t live to see, leaving everyone else to deal with it?

That's rather assuming that the person leaving the money even mean to stir up drama or could predict that that would happen - perhaps she might have assumed that the family would act like adults and honour her wishes. Anyway, it's the family 'stirring up drama,' in that situation, not the person leaving the money.

I agree it’s not a right but I think it can leave a whole heap of headache for those left behind if something seems wrong or unfair. I know many people don’t like to discuss death but I wonder if having these conversations is better for the recipients/ non-recipients and while it may leave bad feeling it doesn’t leave unanswered questions?

I think that often, being told about an "unfair" will in advance is the best thing possible for the relationship between surviving family members. MIL and FIL have written DH and I out of their will. They sat us down and explained it's because DH's brothers both struggle financially and we don't. They feel like the money will help them buy houses, pay off mortgages, set their kids up as adults etc which isn't something we need help with. We understand their decision but I think, had we found out completely out of the blue after they die, we'd have been really upset and offended.

Likewise my grandmother left her house to my aunt, who had lived with her and cared for her for 15 years before she died. Her other three children got some sentimental items but nothing of monetary value. She told everyone what she was going to do, everyone thought it was perfectly reasonable. I don't really see the reason for secrecy tbh.

If an elderly relative left £1 million to their nephew and nothing to his sister, their niece, I think there’d be very few people who would shrug and say ‘oh well’ without a second thought. Surely anyone could predict this might cause some ill feeling even if they accepted it and everyone honoured the will.

Maybe the elderly relative didn’t set out to cause trouble but it would be very naive of them to think they might do so inadvertently.

I totally agree this would be the best approach. I don’t think fair is always equal so can understand why some people might make certain choices (like the ones you shared) but I think it’s best to be upfront, even if you feel a little awkward about it, especially if you feel awkward about it. Rather they passing that discomfort on to your surviving relatives.

I don’t have any children or a partner so I’ve told almost everyone what is to happen. It’s almost certain I’ll remain single, and the money will be used for my care.

Anything left over will go to my niece, and to my godchildren. The only person I haven’t told is my niece and her mum because her mum (my late brother’s partner) would say “your mum and dad’s money should go to family and not to godchildren” aka her daughter.
It hasn’t been my mum and dad’s money since they died thirty years ago. It’s mine, and I’ll leave it to who I like thanks.

My Mum's will leaves things between her 4 kids and some towards my nephew who grew up in her care. My brothers are the executors and I know from them the money is disturbed unevenly based on her perception of what we need. The boys are also hard favourites due to lots of funny rules has in her mind based on her life experiences. I prefer not to know any more than that. It's her money. I don't like to think of her dying and it all feels a bit money grabbing. We're also not close. Id ideally prefer not to find out what everyone else gets at all. I think it would probably be hurtful. I'll be leaving mine to our children equally, unless I'm first to go then it will go to my wife who will share in the same way. I honestly don't know if it would be better or worse if she told me about the shares in advance. Probably worse

I suppose it depends. Mil told us she wants to leave her home to one of the children. The others have secure homes and this one doesn't. DP was fine with it but one sibling kicked off and caused a fuss. So now mil might not do what she thinks is best for fear of one kicking off after she passes and causing drama for the others. I can't stand people who are grabby about money in death. It really does bring out the worst in people. No one is owed any inheritance (generally speaking).

It’s my will and the sibling with whom I have a relationship knows. The ones I don’t will have a fair idea if they’ve any ability to self-reflect 😉

But if she has 1 piece of expensive jewellery she can only leave it to one person unless it's sold. I'm leaving my engagement ring which is expensive to my favourite niece as no granddaughters. Other nieces will all be given jewellery but not worth as much. Only 1 can have engagement ring.

I think a letter of wishes explaining the decisions I have made in my will is the best option. I don’t want arguments or people trying to influence me whilst I am alive.

If someone had a million to leave and divided it like that, I'd expect any competent solicitor to point out the ructions this would almost certainly cause and suggest action to pre-empt it; such as writing an accompanying letter of explanation.

Telling people the contents of a will before death can still cause ructions in the family, and perhaps lead to pressure being put on a vulnerable old person to act differently. Also the will might be altered for as long as the will maker is alive and of sound mind. Better to leave it as a secret and not encourage anyone to hope for a legacy.

Money, inheritance and wills make people so grabby, I often think it’s worst to be upfront before you die. My bil has caused a huge amount of nastiness and family argument over money as soon as he found out my mil was actually going to use some of her own money to fund a nice life for herself and he wasn’t getting what he hoped he would.
it brings out the worst in people. I don’t think I’d be saying anything in life, as you could be old and frail and dealing with nasty relatives like my mil is. It has seriously hurt her in her later years when she should be feeling less stress, not more.

It's all very well including some beneficiaries and excluding others based on the testator's understanding of their financial circumstances at the time of the will. But things change..And many years may pass between the writing of the will and the time when it comes to be put into action.

A life changing accident or illness, a disabled child, divorce, marriage, bankruptcy, a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from elsewhere. All these things can change a beneficiary's financial security, for better or worse, overnight. Wills should be reviewed regularly, say every 5 years.

My dad has always been scrupulous about treating my brother & me equally, to the point where he gave me money for passing my GCSEs/A levels, and gave my younger brother the same amount adjusted for inflation so he wouldn't lose out in real terms.

His will, however, is skewed slightly in favour of my brother because he has twice as many DC as I do. He told us beforehand and it wasn't an issue, though all of us were close so it probably wouldn't have caused any major ructions. I wouldn't have wanted to find out after his death though and knowing beforehand means we both understood exactly why he was doing it.

He did put an expression of wishes in with his will about how he wanted me to use my inheritance, but that was because he wanted me to decide how to use it and for it to go to helping the DC in adulthood rather than getting used up in general household funds.

I was told 40 years ago as a child that I would get nothing and that it would all go to "D"SB ( parent and step-parents child)
Never told why really except step-mother once said it was because I wasn't theirs... I would have appreciated a letter of explanation.
Our children know exactly what is in our wills.

But is that possibly better that she knows now how that would’ve gone down? She can still do as she wishes but is aware of the impact it might have on her children? Sibling relationships can be so different but I find comfort in thinking my children would still be there for each other once I’m gone, I wouldn’t want my passing to lead to a bust up.

It’s a tricky one, as a parent I can understand wanting to even things up for your children so they can all have a good quality of life and a secure home. However as a child there are so many ways this could feel unfair.

The house is an asset at the end of the day and the child might sell it and walk away with say 100s of 1000s that their siblings haven’t had? Maybe the other siblings had worked really hard to get on the property ladder and their sibling had always been feckless but were rewarded with a house? Maybe the extra money could’ve helped the sibling who didn’t benefit leave a crappy job or marriage? Lots of variables,

That’s cruel. Do you feel you’d rather not have known in advance and had the letter of explanation. Or would you have anticipated their actions anyway do you think?

Good points. In the case of a change in circumstances, do you think a letter of explanation (dated within 5years) could be used as evidence to redress the balance? (Say if a divorce or lottery win happened 2 years prior). Or a will should still be stuck to regardless?